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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

rules for tech access? What is fair/normal?

43 replies

Movingonmymind · 22/11/2015 09:42

For 14 yr old dd. Claims everyone at school has phone/laptop etc in bedroom with unfettered access. We are being unfair to insist on leaving them overnight in another room, apparently. Grades not good, reguses to do sny after school activity. Rarely helps around house. Wont pick k up own dirty clothes etc etc. Otoh, says is depressed, recently moved schools so lots of change.

OP posts:

janinlondon · 02/12/2015 16:52

The next step then is "No, that one's yours. You wanted it, you can have it now. I don't care if I dont have one. If you want me to have a phone, you'll have to buy a new one."

Sgtmajormummy · 02/12/2015 16:58

In that case jan we have a special "phone of shame" which is an OAP's model with just calls/SMS and the SIM card goes in there!

wellies · 02/12/2015 17:04

Wifi switches off to kids (12 and 14) phones at 9.30pm and we collect handsets at 9.30 on school nights.

It's often an unpopular rule but one we stick to; apparently NO other parents turn off the wifi at night or remove phones etc.

Dd (14) has had fairly major problems with low school attendance and low moods. We've had to negotiate a rule that she can have her phone overnight for one weekend night as long as she's been to school on time very day in the week. Once her phone is handed in at 9.30pm she only gets it back if she's up and ready for school the next morning. Miss a school day lose all rights to a phone/laptop for the rest of the week. Although she's not happy with this her attendance has improved no end and life is more settled overall.

Sparklingbrook · 02/12/2015 17:10

We have a phone of shame called 'the brick' Tesco PAYG.

Mine (13 and 16) have pretty much free access to the WiFi, and they have bedrooms full of gadgets, but they are both on top of school work, football P/T job etc so they seem to be good at managing their time appropriately.

I have been known to go out and take the router with me at the first sign of any shenanigans though.

janinlondon · 03/12/2015 15:20

Do the kids TAKE this phone of shame? I mean, if we've put out the normal phone by the door for taking after the punishment is over, and the kid is refusing to take that, what on earth would make them take a phone of shame? I must be negotiating with an entirely different species in my house...

Sparklingbrook · 03/12/2015 17:21

If they want a lift home from school or the school bus I will need a phone call so they take it.

Sgtmajormummy · 04/12/2015 07:58

Never underestimate a teenager's sense of entitlement! If it's in their interest they'll take the phone of shame.

rules for tech access? What is fair/normal?

balletgirlmum · 04/12/2015 08:12

Jan, I think your kids know how to press your buttons. They've got you sussed.

Dd aged 14 & Ds almost 12. Ds has to have IPad for school. Both have phones, dd has a laptop, Ds a PC in the family room.

All technology has to be handed in 20 mins before bedtime. Norton family issued to restrict/monitor their usage.

I have the right (& do approx once a week) to check all texts, facebook & instagram messages etc)

It's more inconvenience to them than to me to be without their phone as not having it means they can't do/go where they like. Ds is currently proving to me that in his first term of year 7 he can be responsible enough for me to upgrade his Galaxy Y to an old iPhone 4.

ProfGrammaticus · 04/12/2015 08:12

That is indeed a phone of shame. Your kids must have a good sense of humour!

balletgirlmum · 04/12/2015 08:15

If Ds steps out of line I wipe his iPad of all games/apps except the school portal so/planner. He has to take his iPad to school every day or he would be in trouble.

janinlondon · 04/12/2015 10:06

OMG that phone!!!! Brilliant! Ah.........but London kids don't need parents to drive them anywhere. Gives them the edge. Though at 16 I think asking to see all her messages (she's not stupid - they wouldn't be there - she'd switch to another app...) would be not only pointless, but intrusive. She did once trump us completely when we tried to turn the router off at 11pm - came downstairs with the half finished latin homework (she had been at hockey till 6, music lesson till 7, didnt start homework till 9), handed it to us and told us we could explain to the latin mistress why it wasn't done. And went to bed. And of course, I did have to email the latin mistress to apologize....we leave the router on now.

balletgirlmum · 04/12/2015 10:19

Jan: dd's messages are automatically stored to a parent log in on Norton family Safety.

And doesn't she have a latin textbook/dictionary for the homework. Dd wouldn't have the option to begin homework at 9pm. She starts to get ready for bed at 9pm and is in bed by 9.30pm But it probably helps that she is a day girl at a boarding school and there is no wifi at the boarding house so she is no different to the others.

balletgirlmum · 04/12/2015 10:24

She gets in at 7.30pm every night, homework started straight away and has to be finished by 9pm.

janinlondon · 04/12/2015 10:59

Good Lord balletgirlmum - When does she eat??? No the homework is online. Most of it is now. But there's at least two hours (usually more) of it every night as we are in GCSE run up. I am really interested in parental log though - it picks up snapchat messages or facebook group msging from an ipod or iphone, yes? Not going through the home computer system. Going via 3G....? And it would know if another app was activated from a different email address (like her school one)? I'm not thinking of it for DD16, but would like to know how and if it would work.....

balletgirlmum · 04/12/2015 11:16

She chooses to eat at school with the boarders for the social time.

Dd doesn't like iPhones so has an android. I don't think Norton currently works with iPhones. But yes it does everything you say on android. She's not allowed snapchat but I have her instagram & facebook installed on my iphone too. Her phone & laptop automatically disable at 9.30pm weekdays 10pm weekends.

She was unfortunatly subjected to some horrible cyber/text bullying in her first few weeks of secondary (kids from her old junior school not get new school) so she didn't object.

I think it's a case of setting clear rules from the start at the point you give them the phone etc & then it's just normal.

balletgirlmum · 04/12/2015 11:24

Ds does need the Internet for some homework eg maths but he can download it whilst at school to complete manually at home (on the way to footy training etc) if need be.

janinlondon · 04/12/2015 12:05

Ah - that makes sense BGM. Our homework is all submitted online as well. Even assignments go in electronically. And supper is after DD gets home from after school commitments - so homework doesnt start till 8 at the earliest. Horses for courses and all that! Sorry OP - have hijacked you. I think the whole access thing hinges very much on how your child uses internet/phone/ipod, and what their timetable is like. Individual circumstances will dictate.

notquiteruralbliss · 05/12/2015 13:38

No rules in our house. Works fine.

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