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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Blocking access to social media

90 replies

Bunbaker · 21/11/2015 13:33

DD is in year 11 and has a lot of exams coming up. She seems to be totally incapable of revising without having access social media sites, Putlocker and YouTube.

The problem is that a lot of her revision resources are online. Ideally I would like her to use a laptop, but be able to block access to Facebook, Messenger and YouTube.

I can confiscate her phone and iPad so she can't text, use Snapchat or Instagram, but I can't not let her use the laptop.

Any ideas?

OP posts:

Original poster

Bunbaker · 21/11/2015 16:43

SoWhite I don't care where she does A levels. She has social anxiety and wants to stay at school for 6th form because it is much smaller and a much better fit for her than college. I gave her the option of visiting the 2 6th form colleges that she could go to and she didn't see any point because she doesn't want to go to either.

OP posts:

lljkk · 21/11/2015 16:44

Seriously, how bad would the collage in town be? Do they teach them to deal drugs & carjack? What's the worst that could happen?

Would someone write
"She's quite motivated she just needs to be a bit more academically able" and then actually believe they can make that happen? Make your child more able?

We can only support, Bunbaker. You have as much power to make her more motivated as you have to make her more brainy.

With my lazy toerag I am asking him directly what his Plans B & C are (occasionally asking), and telling him which paths are not acceptable to me (e.g. playing on computer games for 2 yrs solid).

thedevilinmyshoes · 21/11/2015 16:48

what does she want to do by way of career? That's the why that creates the how that = motivation, eg if she's interested in one of the professions

SoWhite · 21/11/2015 16:50

Bunbaker, unfortunately, at that age, you don't get to choose the place with the best fit if you don't have the grades. You go where will accept you. Same with uni. Better grades = more choice though.

Remind her of this, and leave her to it. I really feel for you - mine are 23 and 19 and I know how hard it is.

23 year old DD sailed through was the most motivated ever. Went to Oxford in the end.

19 year old required much more pushing. I did push - she got 4A*s, rest As at GCSE. She got As in her AS levels too, and had a place at York lined up. But she was bloody miserable.

When I took the same step back, and let her get on with her education in her own way, she was much happier. She got BBC in her A levels and lost the place at York, that she was never really excited by anyway.

I gave her complete free reign on her choices. She got a job, worked for 6 months, and then finished up her gap year by travelling around South America. She reapplied to uni, in a different city, on a course she is much more excited about. She's phenomenally happier than she ever was before. And in turn, I'm much prouder of this self-motivated go getter than the survey procrastinator lining herself up to do a Physics degree she had no interest in.

Leave her be, it will all fall into place.

Original poster

Bunbaker · 21/11/2015 16:50

She wants to do something with biology at university.

"Seriously, how bad would the collage in town be"

It is an ofsted outstanding college, but DD doesn't want to go there because it is huge, they have a bit of a reputation for bullying and they have quite a high dropout rate for A levels. It is brilliant for vocational courses though, but she wants to do A levels and go to university.

OP posts:

SoWhite · 21/11/2015 16:52

*surly procrastinator! She wasn't wasting time doing online surveys, I promise! It was boys, fashion and electronic dance music.

lljkk · 21/11/2015 16:55

The college would be much smaller than a university will be.

wannabestressfree · 21/11/2015 17:00

I teach and trust me she will 'get it' in the end and it requires you stepping back. At the moment my year 11's are horribly immature and unmotivated but they are being pushed to make their college choices and we are running Saturday School.... The penny drops in the next couple of months.....
Let her sit the maths exam and see what happens. Then you can say and give advice about what she needs to do. If she is capable and bright with the work at School she will be ok. It's the next step she needs to self motivate for and you can't make her do things your way forever. She needs to do this for herself.....

Original poster

Bunbaker · 21/11/2015 17:01

I know, but she will be two years older and, hopefully more confident at 18. She is one if the youngest in her year BTW.

OP posts:

discoboogaloo · 21/11/2015 17:04

If your daughter is anything like my son, she might be secretly relieved about an option that restricts her social media use, which is under her control.

My son really likes the Freedom app, which syncs across apple devices, because he could set it for an hour (or whatever time limit he chose), and have zero access to the net as a whole, or to specific sites he chose to block.

When I was his age, all I had as distraction from revision was listening to dial-a-disc over the phone, or reading old copies of Just Seventeen that I nicked from my sister. The distractions teens face today are endless, but given the right tools, they can manage them themselves (and feel better for it, I think).

Good luck to her for her exams!

wannabestressfree · 21/11/2015 17:18

Well its a year not two as they have as's and continous assessment. She is perfectly normal trust me and micromanaging her is not helping her....talk to the school as well.

nooka · 21/11/2015 17:20

I was (and to some extent still am) a terrible procrastinator. No social media in my day so I'd mostly read. Or day dream. Or do anything other than revise really. I think that social media isn't the problem, your dd's lack of sufficient motivation is. Or rather the connection in her mind between what she wants to do in the longer term and what she wants to do right now. I don't believe that there is anything very much you can do about that that you haven't already done.

For me the thing that helped the most when I was younger was studying with someone else, making it a bit more of a social experience. So I'd try errorofjudgement's approach and tell your dd to study at the kitchen table. Being in a more visible spot will probably reduce the likelihood of her being diverted by online distractions, and might make her feel less isolated in any case.

My two (15 and 16) usually choose our dining room table for their homework/revision. It's a bit disruptive for the rest of us but it seems to make them happier and more productive (except when they feel the need to tell us how tricky something is and then reject all help, such as we can offer it!)

Northernsoul58 · 21/11/2015 17:28

Bunbaker I feel your pain. I walk in your shoes. My Yr 11 DS is an arch procrastinator. He is also the horse who, led to life saving water, simply stares and will not drink. Like you, we have tried every which way from screaming to cajoling, to deprivation, to rewards and praise to well, you know. And for years.
We've had the discussions and fights over screen time, it didn't make a h'apence of difference to his attitude. He is what he is. All we can do is the broken record routine and constantly remind him which makes me feel like a shit, ineffectual parent.
Those posts which glibly suggest you should have been doing something years ago simply don't get it. Those which suggest you should 'leave her to fail' also don't get it. And that's why I have never posted on Mumsnet. Flaming posts...

SoWhite · 21/11/2015 17:37

Those which suggest you should 'leave her to fail' also don't get it.

Hardly. My posts in that vein were from the perspective of a parent with children older than yours, who has been through it, and found a solution.

Shortandsweet20 · 21/11/2015 17:39

OP if she is willing, change her password to something she doesn't know and then she can have the password back the day of her last exam. It is what my younger brother did and it worked for him, with no distractions he did fantastically and learnt that actually he didn't need social media as much as he thought.

She should be motivating herself if she only wants to go to sixth form she should be pushing for that. If she wants to let herself fail because of SM that isn't your fault, but like i say you can try changing the passwords to all her accounts if she agrees

FreezePeach · 21/11/2015 17:51

I agree that GCSEs are too important to "just let them fail". I'm just not sure that such a brute force method would work.
As I said above mine are older now. I have one DC who has always been ambitious and driven to succeed and one who - isn't. The second one is just as able but was content to do just enough and not to let school work interfere too much with gaming or twitter.
For me negotiation combined with rewards worked.

Original poster

Bunbaker · 21/11/2015 18:18

Finally some posters who understand. DD usually does her homework downstairs and I will continue to encourage her to do so. You are right that she needs to change her mindset and that I need to take a step back. I shall continue to support and encourage though because I doubt that failing GCSEs and going elsewhere for 6th form will be the making of her.

OP posts:

gingerdad · 21/11/2015 18:29

But are GCSEs really too important to fail. I don't agree. They are fairly important but only a small step along life's way.

And no I didn't do too well in my GCSEs. but that hasn't affected my life.

My line with my DDs id do your best as long as you tried your best it doesn't really matter if you fail.

For me micromanaging is a fast way to destruction and failure.

So I won't be getting stressed and I'll ensure there's no exsssive pressure put on my DDs. They both know roughly where they want to go and what they need to get there.

Original poster

Bunbaker · 21/11/2015 19:07

Things gave changed a lot since most of us took GCSEs, and in my case, O levels. I understand that GCSE grades are taken into account when applying for university these days, but I am hapoy to be corrected.

In any case, DD needs to get at least a B grade in anything she wants to take at A level.

OP posts:

FreezePeach · 21/11/2015 19:11

gingerdad do your best as long as you tried your best it doesn't really matter if you fail

I think the OP's point is precisely that her DD is not doing her best.

The teacher who said that Y11's tend to step up tp the mark is right. The school will be upping the pressure and offering lots of extra support /revision classes. It's not until you have a DC in Y11 that you realise quite how much effort the school put in to the GCSE year group compared with earlier years.

Original poster

Bunbaker · 21/11/2015 19:24

Thank you FreezerPeach.

OP posts:

gingerdad · 21/11/2015 19:37

My DD is looking at either apprenticeship or a levels. Wants to do engineering neither are looking st uni at present but it's up to them. Their mums got a degree I haven't.

Looking at staff I've employed most graduates seem clueless.

TaliZorah · 21/11/2015 19:40

I did GCSEs about 7 years ago, they were the most overrated exams, they've never affected my life much

SoWhite · 21/11/2015 19:42

Looking at staff I've employed most graduates seem clueless.

Tell me about it! The ability to self-manage workloads is non existent.

thedevilinmyshoes · 21/11/2015 19:49

Those which suggest you should 'leave her to fail' also don't get it

of course I 'get it', my youngest child did her GCSEs this year and I've been through it twice before with her sisters

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