Worried 12 yr old ds having probs. making new friends

[sleeplessinSE]

Ok, here's the problem that's keeping me awake at night.

Until ds started Yr 7 this Sept, he's always had a small circle of really good friends. When he started secondary, he found it hard to break thru' the cliques of kids who'd all gone to the same primary (he's the only one from his primary to go to this secondary).

However, I phoned the mums of 3 of the people he mentioned as being fairly friendly over the first half term to invite the boys to tea, they all accepted (different weeks), and the visits all seemed to go well. Child A's mum said she'd invite my ds for the day in half term but she never did. Eventually she phoned, apologised (Pressure of work, etc, fair enough) and had my son for a whole Sat a few weeks ago and it seemed to go very well.
I phoned and left a mess for her last Wed to invite child A back, haven't heard anything.
Child B has been to us twice, and my ds has been invited back after the 1st visit. I'm not too worried about that one, the relat. seems pretty good and if she doesn't phone to invite my ds back after a cple of weeks, I'll phone her & see if Child B wants to come in Xmas hols.
The main prob is Child C, who invited my ds to his party, all went well, he came to us for tea and they were like best friends, they've been meeting up at lunchtimes, people ask if they're brothers because they look v. alike, everything seemed fine. My ds was invited back, again everything fine. I'd invited Child C to us last Wed for tea again and his mum accepted.
On Wed am, I phoned their house to check C was still coming, as a couple of weeks since I'd seen the mum. C answered the phone and said he couldn't make it. That was it, no explanation. That day my son saw C and C told him he couldn't be bothered coming round/didn't want to.
My son was really hurt, even though he tried to hide it. On Sat night, he said he didn't understand why C has suddenly stopped liking him, they haven't had an argument or anything.
It just seems really hard work to get proper friendships going, and ds seems to be reverting now to going to the library by himself at lunchtimes. C had dragged him along to art club on Tues and now ds says he doesn't want to go, because what's the point, he doesn't want to be ignored by C. This is such a knockback for him after he'd finally made an apparently good friend.

Really sorry this is so long and detailed.
Would you
a) Tell him to forget C
b) Tell him to still go to art club and be friendly to C
c) Invite some other boys for tea in the hope that eventually some proper friendships form
d) Phone A's mum to repeat the invite, or assume from her silence that her son doesn't want to come back either?
d) Any other advice?

He's still seeing his really good old friends from primary, but there are only 3 of them, there were only 4 boys in his primary class.

Thanks for reading this epic.

Sympathy - my ds had real trouble finding friends for many years. It's helpful to think in terms of 'finding' rather than 'making' - not making friends makes you feel unlikeable, not finding friends makes you feel they are out there somewhere and ti's just going to take time.

It is very hard to break in to existing friendships and things will go very slowly to start with - children with existing friends simply don't need new friends in teh same way your ds does, so he will have to do all teh work. It took my socially confident and gregarious dd one and a half terms to really get settled into her gang at her new school. Give it time and lower your expectations short term.

My feelings:

• has C really rejected ds or was it just a one-off thing on the day (important TV programme, was in bad mood). Has it sustained at school since then? if so forget C - not a nice piece of work. Talk to ds about how C's actions felt to ds and therefore how c's actions were unnecessarily hurtful and harsh, and not something ds should consider doing himself to anyone. But it may be less drastic than that
• he can still go to art club if he enjoys it, maintain polite distance from c if necessary, but not if he doesn't want to
• invite some other boys
• re-invite A too but bear in mind he may not need a new friend as much as your ds does

It's a tough time for ds and for you. Best wishes

Thanks for that Smartie.
C does seem now to just not make the effort to meet up with ds (different forms) at lunch, and I would like ds to keep up the art club as it's the only one he goes to (there are dozens of clubs, but mostly sports).
I think you're right about lowering expectations; like your dd, my ds is very outgoing and confident normally, but is feeling decidedly rejected and doesn't know why.
Your input is really helpful.

It may help your ds if he thinks of 'being' a friend for others, as he'll spot those who are feeling as unsure as he is. yr 7 always takes time to settle and it's also great if he can keep his other contacts going too. don't try too hard on his behalf as he'll just pick up on your anxieties. he will find his feet.

Thanks, BFR, that's pretty much what my dh said last night when I burst into tears over this. I need to stand back and let ds grow up (easier said than done)

Hi sleeplesssinSE - sorry your DS is going through this, mu dd is going through a similar thing too and I know how it gets to you - I can so relate to "bursting into tears in front of DH" and I have done the same thing!!

I hope things look up for him - it is so hard whe our children hurt!