Serious Question

[HarHer]

Hello,

I am not going to go into too many details. However, my husband and I separated due to child protection issues. I live with our 16 year old son and my husband lives with our 14 year old son. Our 16 year old has autism and mental health difficulties and our youngest has anxiety issues which mean he has been out of education for seven months.

My husband does not seem to be coping. He has additional needs himself. Recently, he has left message after message on the answerphones of various agencies (CAMHS, Children's Social Care and so on) and he tells me daily that he wants my youngest 'taking away'. He often screams and swears at me and the boys for no real reason. My eldest and I are lodging with relatives at the moment but we will soon have a house. My dilemma is this:

• My eldest son and his brother have a strange relationship which has been abusive in the past (this was one of the Child Protection issues) and my eldest son's mental health is precarious at the moment (voice hearing etc). Yet I want to care for my youngest. Would you advise that I ask my youngest to live with us or do you think this is too much of a risk to both boys? I do not want my youngest to go into foster care or my eldest to end up back in hospital. However the situation is becoming unbearable.

Any advice would be welcome.

Gather your boys around you. Lots of hugs (and trouble no doubt) but breed love.

Bring younger one home, but

See if you can organise respite for the older one on a regular basis, eg every other weekend. That will give you and younger one a break. It's also cheaper than fostering. And see if younger one can be with his father the alternate weekends.

That means they have to put up with each other five days a week, wearing for you, but loving, and then they each have you to themselves every other weekend and you don't have to separate them. And younger keeps contact with his DF.

Just wanted to send - you sound like a very responsible and lovely mum. It doesn't hurt that you seem to be doing your best by your husband too.

Reading between the lines I wonder if people are underestimating the child protection issue here. I don't think we can advise on the risk. Will your younger son be safe in the same house as your older son? You sound like you're in a nightmare position. Is their any advice you can get from social services or CAMHS? If you point out that you're will to have both, can they provide enough support for you. Keep reminding them that supporting you is cheaper (and better for the boys) than having one or both of them in hospital or foster care. You can't do this on your own however much you want to.

Hello Clare,

There is indeed a child protection issue between the boys. The 'risk' is posed by my younger son and my older son's vulnerability. I know a risk assessment would have to be undertaken and that there would have to be a plan in place in case things did not work out.

We are moving into the new house later this week and I am in constant dialogue with Children's Social Care so that they know exactly what is happening.