Please don't flame me, my DSs christmas list has made me see I've fucked up badly

[naicehamandpombears]

I asked my ds for his christmas list last week, this morning he has given it to me.

For a bit of background his Dad is abusive, we lived in a refuge for a while, we are in our house now and life has settled nicely and has been for a while (I namechange regularly due to abusive ex)

Until about 20 minutes ago I didn't realise how much I have been relying on my ds and I feel like shit.

All he has asked for is various tools, I know it is all for jobs he wants to do around the house.

This isn't normal is it.

When I think back to how much I relied on him when we moved to help with decorating and various odd jobs I quite honestly feel like the worst mother in the world. He goes out a lot, has made friends etc, but he phones me to check on me a fair bit when he is out.

I've made him grow up well before his time, and I don't know how to fix it, please help.

[Jftbo74]

OP get the tools he wants. They will give him lots of pleasure

[NorthernLurker]

I agree with everybody else. Your ds sounds marvellous and you are a great mum. Well done. Enjoy your Christmas together.

I wonder what he's going to get you.....

[naicehamandpombears]

I know what he has got me already.

I saw it when I was throwing something of his into his pit bedroom (I don't usually go in there, I like him to have his private space)

Last year we didn't have much in the way of decorations or anything, I bought a tree a few weeks ago and one of those cheap decoration sets with baubles and tinsel and a star in it and I was talking about how I've always wanted an angel at the top of the tree dickhead ex didn't like them he has obviously been saving up and has bought the most beautiful angel for the top of the tree.

He is a real sweetheart, I'm very lucky to have him.

[villainousbroodmare]

Local library for carpentry and DIY books; don't waste your money buying them.
I hate the title, but you know those "For Dummies" books? With the yellow covers? The DIY one is quite good.

[NorthernLurker]

How lovely!

Definately 100% good mothering from you

[IDismyname]

My DP got given a power drill for his Confirmation present from his Godmother!!


He was about 14 and came from a very stable family background. He was just happy building things. He still has the drill and its till works.

Don't beat yourself up - you sound like you're doing a brilliant job

[TheOriginalWinkly]

I just asked DH about his love for tools. He's loved them since he can remember, loves tinkering and fixing stuff, and comes from a very stable background. I told him what your DS asked for, he whistled and said "good effort" :) don't buy tools he'll inflict a fucking spanners collection on a future wife

Your son sounds practical and lovely.

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

Just read your update about your pressie and now I seem to have got something in my eye. What a lovely boy.

[Alastrante]

He sounds like a great kid. I wish you all the best and a lovely Christmas (whatever you get him!).

[villainousbroodmare]

Just asked DH. He said this would be an ideal set for him:
www.makita.co.za/8281DWPETC.html
Makita 14.4V Cordless Percussion Driver Drill 8281DWPETC with 3 Drawer Kit
He reckons he doesn't need a jigsaw yet, a handsaw with fine teeth will do what he needs, if it's just the bathroom unit and similar stuff, and a cheapo soldering iron will do fine. He will also need solder, maybe 1.5mm.

[BathshebaDarkstone]

He sounds lovely. You've done a fantastic job bringing him up.

[naicehamandpombears]

Thank you all for the advice about tools and books etc.

I know less than nothing about any of these things, although this thread has inspired me to start learning, I was never really 'allowed' to do anything practical and was there for cleaning, cooking etc, so I think I do need to learn to be more self sufficient.

It's good to hear that lots of teenagers like this stuff. I saw his list and it was like I was looking at a list of things that need doing around our house instead of a teenage boys list of random crap that he wants and I instantly felt so guilty.

Thank you all

[coffeeisnectar]

My 10 year old dd likes taking things apart and then getting upset because they don't work and then hands all the bits to dp saying "can you fix it please" through tears and snot.

Your son is quite clearly learning to be the dad of a child who likes dismantling stuff!

I'm glad you feel better after starting this thread. You know this is the start of a whole new chapter in your lives and things will just keep getting better.

[coffeeisnectar]

YouTube is how I learned how to change the inside of the toilet cistern. All the mechanical bits. YouTube knows everything.

[naicehamandpombears]

Thank you coffee

I don't mind leaving all toilet related disasters to ds though

[rembrandtsrockchick]

My husband and both my sons are toolaholics and very capable and practical.

A workmate work bench is incredibly useful and older models appear on ebay and in the small ads in local papers regularly.

I think you are an excellent mother and he is a bloody good son!

[imjustahead]

op. i just want to say that i get why you said what you did in your title.

It's very hard being the only parent, and not blaming yourself for any thing that goes wrong, or feeling guilty when you think 'they' are looking after 'you'.

My dd is the same age, and has had a shitty life in many ways too, absent dad, etc... What I am starting to catch up with is that at this age they are just that bit more grown up, and i don't know about you but it's come around very quickly!

Your son sounds extremely caring and so bloody helpful, naturally, so embrace these traits, and don't worry too much about his choices. x

[naicehamandpombears]

Thank you.

He would love a workbench, we have a small shed (think it used to be a coal bunker) attached to the house. I might try and do it up in there over the next few months and make it into a 'workshop' for his birthday.

Thats exactly how I feel Imjust that he is looking after me in a lot of ways and I need to flip that, but I have realised that buying him tools isn't part of that as it is something he enjoys. If only I get could get him to enjoy tidying his room I would be onto a winner

[ImperialBlether]

Could he put an advert in the local shop saying he'll put together IKEA furniture for a tenner? (More for wardrobes, obviously!) There are loads of people who really struggle with that sort of thing.

Another thing he might like to do if he enjoys working with his hands is upholstery. He could buy some wrecked chairs and upholster them - there are loads of videos on YouTube about it. It could be a nice way of making a bit of money.

[nagsandovalballs]

I thought this was going to be a child being money grabbing and venal over Christmas.

Turns out he is just a mature, level headed and sensible young man!

[Katymac]

Ask on freecycle for tools, people often upgrade at Christmas

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

He sounds amazing. You will definitely be able to pick things up on freecycle. And DH says Aldi/Lidl stuff is usually reasonable quality for what you get.

I think getting him to teach you how to do things is an amazing idea too. It will bolster both your confidence.

Well done for getting out.

[sarah00001]

naicehamandpombears, I hope that the responses you have received have helped you and made you realise what a truly great mother you are!. For what its worth and at the risk of sounding old fashioned, I think that it is wonderful if a man has good DIY skills (as it is for a woman too). They will come in so useful for the rest of his life. Also, the fact your son is so caring and considerate, I am sure that he will make someone a wonderful husband or partner. He will be kind, caring, giving and personally, being absolutely rubbish at DIY myself, a man who is good at DIY is an absolute godsend. As he is so kind and considerate, well, like attracts like, and I am sure he will meet a lovely partner in the future and will end up having a very happy and fulfilling family life. I have a 4 month old daughter, my first and probably only child. All I want for her is to be healthy, happy and also for her to be kind, considerate and thoughtful. It sound like your son to me!

[naicehamandpombears]

Great idea about setting up a little money maker by putting up flat pack furniture, I'll put that to him after christmas, he is such a sweetheart he probably wouldn't take money from the people who would hire him though

Upcycling furniture is something he could do, he has done it on a few bits in our house, not upholstering yet but he could probably do it.

I imagine in future years he will have his own business doing something practical, he isn't very academic at all so struggles with writing etc at school, but he is very clever.

I'll keep an eye out on freecycle too, its a bit quiet around here but I might manage to get a few bits on there.

Thank you all