Please don't flame me, my DSs christmas list has made me see I've fucked up badly

[naicehamandpombears]

I asked my ds for his christmas list last week, this morning he has given it to me.

For a bit of background his Dad is abusive, we lived in a refuge for a while, we are in our house now and life has settled nicely and has been for a while (I namechange regularly due to abusive ex)

Until about 20 minutes ago I didn't realise how much I have been relying on my ds and I feel like shit.

All he has asked for is various tools, I know it is all for jobs he wants to do around the house.

This isn't normal is it.

When I think back to how much I relied on him when we moved to help with decorating and various odd jobs I quite honestly feel like the worst mother in the world. He goes out a lot, has made friends etc, but he phones me to check on me a fair bit when he is out.

I've made him grow up well before his time, and I don't know how to fix it, please help.

[DoctorTwo]

Shoes for Parkour is an idea. Plus an electric drill that can double as a screwdriver. He sounds amazing btw, a credit to your parenting skills.

[Jw35]

Aw what an sweetie! Can I have him? Il swap for an ungrateful demanding 12 year old girl?

How can you possibly have fucked up with a son like that? No way! I bet you're an amazing mum.

Have a chat with him as other have said and see what else he might want. Lovely kid

[coffeeisnectar]

I've sent you a pm op.

[naicehamandpombears]

Thank you coffee

He has a stunt scooter that he tinkers about with, He is forever putting new on it so I could get him some wheels or something for that. I'll try and find out what he needs.

I think ramps etc will be a bit out of my budget this year but I will look at getting one for his birthday.

Coasteering isn't something I have heard of, but there is somewhere that does it less than a couple of hours from me, so I will definitely look at that, and it is a lot cheaper than the parkour day I saw advertised.

It sounds like maybe I shouldn't be as worried as I have been and that it is quite normal for teens to want tools, I might just be projecting my feelings that he has missed out on a childhood.

Thanks everyone, I felt like a really shit mother earlier when he gave me his list, I'm feeling much less so now

[coffeeisnectar]

I told my dp about you and your son and he thinks all teenage boys want tools and next year he will want a shed to convert into a man cave and you will only see him at meal times. :o

You aren't a shit mum. You're a great mum.

[magimedi]

Nice children don't happen without good parents.

You sound like a great Mum.

At 14 my DS (now an adult) really wanted a soldering/electrical kit to be able to make various electronic stuff. He now makes computers for himself & friends.

[ssd]

he sounds bloody lovely!

[HoneysuckleAndJasmine]

I've not had chance to read the whole thread but my mum was on her own and it made me grow up a bit quick tbh. BUT crucially she doesn't see this as a problem at all.

I myself have been poorly and was worried my dc would go through the same. If they worry about me I tell them that's my job and then ask what there's is. Answer 'to have fun. Doesn't solve it all but each time I resolve to keep the parent child roles.

On the plus side I've turned out OK. Probably too concerned about the welfare of others but generally okay..

If you can see what's going on, you're doing great. He does sound like an awesome little chap. And he might have been into diy anyway.

[katiekatie44]

He sounds really lovely could you maybe get him to have a word with my DD .

He obviously wants to do this and I wouldn't discourage him but maybe get him a few surprise treats or a trip somewhere he'd love.

[katiekatie44]

Check eBay for tools might stretch your money!

[Pringlesandwine]

He sounds great, as do you. A proper team ??
I would get him some tools but also something fun that he wouldn't think to ask for.
I hope you both have a happy and peaceful Christmas x

[HoneysuckleAndJasmine]

My post was a bit negative. You both sound ace. Be proud of him. And yourself x

[villainousbroodmare]

What a cracking son you have! I hope mine turns out so well.
DH is the only child of a single mother who suffered severe physical abuse. She was also a strong woman and managed to get them out of it. They never had much in the way of financial resources but have a wonderful relationship. DH is extremely practical, can fix or build anything, and at 45 would still request tools and nothing much else for himself. He is a champion of women's rights and he owes it all to his tricky childhood and his great mother. Just like you.
I suggest you try your best to source better quality tools.
De Walt, Makita and Bosch are the best brands. They are very expensive but might be available secondhand. EBay? Or even one good quality item rather than three or four cheapies.
Anyway your boy is brilliant and you are too.

[Anastasie]

He sounds lovely, but please please don't let him repair your electrical appliances. I'd hate to see that go wrong - some of them carry a charge inside after switching off from the plug, and taking apart a washing machine or microwave for example can kill people if they aren't aware of this.
I don't want to be a downer, just a note of caution (I was a bit like your ds when I was a kid - learned a couple of things the hard way!!)

[Scoobydoo8]

As long as he gets some 'toys' as well I would think it doesn't matter about all the tools.

I think you need to appear happy, busy with your own life and friends, making your own plans for the future (studies? courses? new hobbies?) then he won't feel any need to support you and you will naturally go your own ways more.

[OnlyLovers]

This has made me cry. He sounds terrific and YOU are the one who's raised him and have obviously done a wonderful job, so please give yourself some credit!

If there's not much to do where you live, how about an activity with an overnight stay that you could do together?

[JennaRoss]

"I think ramps etc will be a bit out of my budget this year"

Can you combine the two and buy him tools and wood to make his own?

DS is 17yo and has always loved DIY since he started doing Resistant Materials at school, over the years he has acquired a drill, screwdriver set, glue gun, soldering iron and various other bits. It could be that your DS just enjoys doing it and is glad to put his skills to good use to help you.

[JennaRoss]

PS he sounds lovely and so do you

[P1nkP0ppy]

You're not failing, you're bringing up a son to be proud of. Not all teenagers are in to Xboxes etc (thank goodness!).
My DS was exactly like yours at that age, for his 15th birthday he had an electric drill
He loved mending and building things and now 20 years later is far more practical than DH will ever be.
So long as you continue to offer opportunities for doing other things he'll be fine.
pombears, you're doing fine.

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

Have you got any local FB selling groups you can put a wanted ad for second hand stuff? Older second hand stuff is often better quality than newer stuff.

When my dad died he had loads of tools we got rid of, Dh had his own so we didn't need them. You may find someone in a similar position. Then with saved money you could get him other stuff as well.

He does sound lovely.

[Garlick]

I suggest you try your best to source better quality tools.

I really agree with this! A 14-year-old might not appreciate the difference between a Makita drill and B&Q own brand straight away, but other people will tell him soon enough. He'll definitely appreciate the build & reliability.

Like Jenna I was thinking about stuff to make his own ramp - but tools are the priority for this, too. Wood's cheap enough; he might even be able to blag some from Jewson's a local yard.

[Janeyjanejane]

We've had a shit time too. (Dead dad. Drink.) My DS is 13. The best time of his summer holiday was when I let him loose with a tool box ( I had to look away) and a dog on wheels. He made a go-kart.
I have been spectacularly awful at times. It's taking us years to 'get over it'. But I don't beat myself up about it. Neither should you. Get him tools and old planks and wheels and let him loose

[MargaretCabbage]

You both sound wonderful. He's a credit to you.

How about getting him a book with designs for mechanical toys or automata? It might be good for him to build something fun with his tools.

[naicehamandpombears]

Thanks for your replies.

Yes he did actually fix the drier, something to do with the elements in it. He has some weird gloves and a mat for tinkering about with anything electrical so I try not to don't worry too much.

That is a great idea about making his own ramps, I am going to have a scout about and see what I can pick up in the way of wood for him, I'll see if I can source a book or something online to help him too.

I know nothing about buying tools, power tools especially, so thank you for all the tips, it does sound like I will be better off getting a second hand decent make rather than a cheap new one.

I'm not actually on FB (ex issues) so I can't check that out, but gumtree and freecycle might be worth a go.

An activity with an overnight stay would be brilliant. I think I am going to take him to do the coasteering in the summer holidays, maybe for 2 days with an overnight stay, that would be fantastic.

Thank you all I'm so glad I started this thread, I really feel so much better