Please don't flame me, my DSs christmas list has made me see I've fucked up badly

[naicehamandpombears]

I asked my ds for his christmas list last week, this morning he has given it to me.

For a bit of background his Dad is abusive, we lived in a refuge for a while, we are in our house now and life has settled nicely and has been for a while (I namechange regularly due to abusive ex)

Until about 20 minutes ago I didn't realise how much I have been relying on my ds and I feel like shit.

All he has asked for is various tools, I know it is all for jobs he wants to do around the house.

This isn't normal is it.

When I think back to how much I relied on him when we moved to help with decorating and various odd jobs I quite honestly feel like the worst mother in the world. He goes out a lot, has made friends etc, but he phones me to check on me a fair bit when he is out.

I've made him grow up well before his time, and I don't know how to fix it, please help.

[Mulligrubs]

Aw, he sounds lovely OP. You say he enjoys his DIY - for many people it is a hobby and they'd be delighted to get tools too! In that respect your DS reminds me of my DH. He is 25 and he's always been into DIY and cars. He always asks for tools or car parts and has done since he was your son's age So maybe he really does want the tools, not just to look after you (which is a lovely thing) but because it's a bit of a hobby of his?

[FinallyHere]

Go for it. It sounds as if he has earned the right to have his requests taken seriously.

I love practical presents and DH want frivolity. We try and accommodate both. Which do you prefer, do you have some idea deep down that presents are support to be frivolous?

[MrsMolesworth]

For parkour you could look at some new trainers, baggy sweat pants and some wrist bands. Apparently its cool to wear cheap or unbranded stuff according to DC whose cousin is into it.

[DinosaursRoar]

Another one who says you've not fucked up if what you've done is produce a lovely, caring, unselfish young man. I opened this expecting you to say he'd asked for a gold plated x-box or a £7k "Tour de France" standard bike... He's ask for stuff like that because he's thinking about you too.

I think you should get a couple of things on the list he's given you and then some 'fun' things.

[PirateSmile]

He sounds like he's an incredible boy and you both have a great future ahead of you.

[JeanSeberg]

How about you get them on the understanding that he teaches you jobs as you go? And writes down the steps in a book. That could be his Christmas present to you.

[naicehamandpombears]

He does have a phone, he uses it to check up on me mainly, and we live in the absolute back of beyond in a very quiet corner of the country so no parkour clubs, there is a training course miles away but it costs hundreds and hundreds of pound for a few hours and I don't think he would enjoy going alone anyway.

He is getting some counselling through womens aid and the school which is good, I think it's good for him to have another adult to talk to, and he is very open with me too, but I think his main concern is protecting my feelings, it should be the other way round.

He is a great son, really great, I do think its in spite of my parenting rather than because of it.

[Want2bSupermum]

Reading your posts I hear you and think you need to speak to your son about this.

I think you could start the conversation with 'I went through your list. So do you enjoy doing the DIY? I was thinking you might want a bike or a computer game or if there were any activities you wanted to do. Christmas is about giving and I want to give you something for you.'

There is a carpenter here in town who has just started a DIY class for teenagers. It's a genius idea and something that I'm sure lots of teens would love.

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

Aw OP do be kind to yourself. You've had a really rough time and it sounds like you are doing a great job bringing up a lovely young man

Why not ask on your local Freecycle/Freegle group if anyone has any spare tools? Or local facebook selling groups. Then use the money you've saved for a treat for him.

[Lozza1990]

He sounds like a lovely lad and it's probably the best way he could have responded to a bad situation! I wouldn't be too hard on yourself, maybe just try to treat him more now your guys are settled. I would have a chat with him and tell him you love how helpful he is but is there anything he wants JUST for himself.

[Fannyupcrutch]

You say that you feel like you have caused him to take on this role, but turn it around and look at it positively. This young man of yours has earned some very useful skills that will stand him in good stead throughout his life. My dad bought me a soldering iron for my 7th birthday. People thought it was really odd but it started me off with a serious interest in electronics. I learned to rewire a plug the same day. Then when I was a single mum age 20 it gave me the confidence to try all my own DIY, now I can fit shelves, coving, lay carpet, wallpaper and plumb in a washing machine while your average man is still climbing into his boiler suit and tool belt. He has learned independent skills and in this technological day and age that is a great gift! Please don't be harsh on yourself. You are a star for getting through it with him and you both deserve happiness and to be kinder to yourselves.

You should join a club or group and make some friends, though. I think it would do you both the world of good to have some extra interests apart. You sound totally lovely and if you lived near me I would totally be glad to be your friend :D

[Want2bSupermum]

Oh and you have not messed up at all. Your DS sounds lovely and you are open to changing this. As a parent I feel like I get it wrong more than I get it right. It's more important to me that I recognize when I'm getting it wrong so I can change and give my children a better parent.

[naicehamandpombears]

Cheap unbranded stuff to parkour in? Excellent, that sounds like a plan.

I think, at his age that presents should be frivolous really, maybe if he had asked for phones and game consoles and other stuff I couldn't afford to get him I would still feel bad.

I will ask him to show me how to do various things, that's a good idea.

[NewLife4Me]

Oh my love, please don't be hard on yourself.
My ds was like this with many things, not tools though.
Mine hasn't been through anything if this is any consolation, he was just very mature for his age.

There are so many men now who can't do basic DIY around the house and it costs the family money. Your ds will be a great catch when older and your future dil will love you

As for the present, ask him for a list of things he wants, give him a big hug and tell him how proud of him you are.
You certainly have nothing to approach yourself for.

Best wishes to you and your ds, and so sorry you have been through so much

[RainbowDashed]

You should be kinder to yourself. What better parent could you have been than to remove him and yourself from an abusive situation?

My brother had a soldering iron when I was a teenager. I nicked it we used it to repair electrical bits like headphones etc. and to make arty (or at least we thought they were arty) mini sculptures out of nuts and bolts.

I'm afraid I'm a bit of a technological old git these days, but would he enjoy something like a raspberry pi (those computers you can build yourself?)

[29redshoes]

He sounds lovely! My DH also loves getting things like that for Christmas/birthdays, and has done since he was young. He genuinely likes DIY So don't panic, to me it doesn't seem like such an odd wish list.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Could you buy him something for himself and the tools for the house? So the tools are there if he wants to use them but they aren't his main present.

You can tell him that you value what he does but you don't expect him to step up. Maybe he can teach you some DIY?

He sounds great.

[Kewcumber]

He does sound lovely but it would be good to have a talk about this he said he feels awful for not protecting me, and that he wished he could have done something

You (as an adult) are capable of protecting yourself and him - and indeed you did. If will not serve him well to beleive that adult women are incapable of protecting themselves.

You should reiterate that what he gave/gives you was support and thats an unmeasureable gift to give someone. But that you are a capable adult.

Still nothing wrong with him having practical stuff if its what he enjoys - like the idea of some kind of workshop or carpentry course though.

I have to say that you both sound lovely and I strongly suspect that you'll sort it out quite nicely between you.

[ouryve]

He wouldn't do this stuff if he didn't get something out of it. It's worth having a conversation with him to check that he does, though. It sounds like he's not just doing things to be practical, but also as a creative outlet, and that's good at any age.

And there's nothing to stop you from adding things like a hat, gloves, silly socks etc to his present pile.

[Garlick]

You both sound fabulous :) Parcour stuff sounds like a good idea - or a skateboard, perhaps, as kids who do one seem to do the other (you'd have to ask him.)

Btw, I want a router! Obsession with power tools has no age or sex limit

[MrsMolesworth]

My DC would love all the tools you've just mentioned. Does he enjoy D&T at school? They are tools he could use to build all sorts of cool things, not just mend the house. Maybe there are some D&T books with project ideas in them. With a jigsaw you could build a guitar, a skateboard, some really cool furniture.

[naicehamandpombears]

Thanks all.

I've had a bit of a cry now, it's so nice to be told that I might not be fucking up as badly as I thought.

I've just been on and had a look at the Raspberry Pi, I really don't understand it at all, but it looks like the sort of thing he would enjoy so I'll do a bit more research.

I do think another talk is in order, and I might let his counsellor know too, he might be more inclined to speak to her than me about this.

You (as an adult) are capable of protecting yourself and him - and indeed you did. If will not serve him well to beleive that adult women are incapable of protecting themselves

This is where I am failing, I need to be the adult and let him be the child.

He absolutely doesn't think all women are incapable though, he is a real feminist actually

[BertieBotts]

If he's 14 I don't think there's anything wrong with you being more equals than parent/child, with the exception that you're correct you must be careful not to lean on him as you would another adult, and to take on the responsibility for things so that he doesn't have to worry.

If he was into computers, you'd think nothing of asking him to have a look at yours if it went wrong, so I don't think it's bad to let him have a look at the washing machine etc - provided he knows enough not to injure himself - as long as you make it clear there's no pressure and you'll try and work it out together (could be fun, and you can find lots of info on youtube etc) but if you can't then you'll hire somebody and he's not to worry about it.

[BertieBotts]

I'd see if you can do some digging re the Pi - I get the impression that there is now software you can get for Windows which will do much the same thing.

[Katymac]

for Parkour- I'd be thinking about a gymnastics class, possibly a street dance class (there is a certain amount of cross over at higher levels) plus if you can find it stage fighting or Capoeira classes