Please don't flame me, my DSs christmas list has made me see I've fucked up badly

[naicehamandpombears]

I asked my ds for his christmas list last week, this morning he has given it to me.

For a bit of background his Dad is abusive, we lived in a refuge for a while, we are in our house now and life has settled nicely and has been for a while (I namechange regularly due to abusive ex)

Until about 20 minutes ago I didn't realise how much I have been relying on my ds and I feel like shit.

All he has asked for is various tools, I know it is all for jobs he wants to do around the house.

This isn't normal is it.

When I think back to how much I relied on him when we moved to help with decorating and various odd jobs I quite honestly feel like the worst mother in the world. He goes out a lot, has made friends etc, but he phones me to check on me a fair bit when he is out.

I've made him grow up well before his time, and I don't know how to fix it, please help.

[RollingRollingRolling]

Your DS sounds lovely, if money is tight, try the poundshop for some cheap basic tools. They are also online now too

[Kbear]

My son is 14 and came home from his grandad's with a tool box and a couple of socket sets and other tools that grandad had spares of. At the moment DS only tinkers with his bike and his skateboard but loves taking stuff apart and rebuilding.

I think it's quite natural for your DS to want to make stuff. I would encourage it.

You both sound like you're doing great.

[PrincessHairyMclary]

I know you say your relationship isn't really parent /child at the moment but actually I think that when you are a single parent you are more of a team (ofcourse you are boss) anyway it's not them (kids) and us (you). I have been on my own with DD since she was born she's now 6 but it's just the 2 of us and I'd say we are a team so I think that is quite normal although just try not to rely on him for the emotional stuff.

He may like DIY because it's practical and you get an end product from it lots of people do. Perhaps you could find an evening class you could both go to to learn a trade and turn what started a little as a negative into a positive experience. You never know, you may just be providing him with the life skills for working in a trade.

[wallywobbles]

You know what this is fine. My DP is the youngest of 5 all in there 40s and three of the brothers do DIY round their mums all the time in a nice way. She never imposed they just want to because she has been a great mum. And as a family they have been really poor and working together is a way to help. Sounds like you've done something right not wrong.

[Jftbo74]

Well done OP. You both sound very nice

[katiekatie44]

You have absolutely no need to worry he sounds lovely you should be very proud of both of you .
If he is sociable no need to worry at all he's probably loving the freedom.

[naicehamandpombears]

sorry Lonny

Yes Katie he has a great social life, he seems to make friends easily so I usually have a house full of teenaged boys to contend with now we can finally have people over, fortunatly he seems to have fallen in with a nice crowd of kids. Sometimes I need to push him to go out a bit, I think he feels bad leaving me on my own, but I am going to look at getting some work or studying and making a bit more life for myself now I'm able to.

[katiekatie44]

He sounds lovely he is probably a very happy young man, having experienced a tricky time he probably really appreciates the peace and new home and genuinely wants to help as it's an exciting new chapter. Does he go out with friends and stuff to?

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

Crikey woman that's the third time I've got something in my eye from this thread! Enough already!! [santa]

[naicehamandpombears]

I have just re read this whole thread and I appreciate every single message of support.

This morning I realise I was maybe being a bit daft, ds and I had a chat and he genuinely loves diy and is glad to help me out, but knows I don't expect it.

He told me that he is really happy that he and I have both made our house into a home together (and threatened to stay until he is 35)

When I read his list yesterday it was a bit like looking at a grown ups list and it made me so aware how crap his childhood has been and made me feel awful that he has missed out, but he still has a few years yet, and I have a whole lifetime of making things up to him to get on with.

Thank you all, you lovely vipers, for talking sense into me.

[ArcheryAnnie]

Late to this thread but both you and your DS sound absolutely lovely, OP - you for worrying about him, and him for stepping up to the plate.

I don't think it will hurt if you gently suggest that you'd be very happy for him to add some frivolous things onto his list, BUT don't assume that he doesn't genuinely want all the tools, etc, either. If he's always fixing and tinkering with things, then having the right tools for the job makes it so much more pleasurable. One of my friends got a drill for her birthday and was SO PLEASED, and regards it entirely as a frivolous item, as she loves doing woodwork. My favourite xmas present last year was a glue gun.

It may have arisen by necessity, but honestly, it's entirely possible that by encouraging him to help fix things you've actually given him a huge step-up by encouraging him to develop such a useful skill and given him a chance to awaken and discover something that will be a genuine lifelong interest for him. It's really good that you are mindful of expecting too much of him at his age, but honestly I don't think you need to worry at all. If anything, you should be proud of both yourself and of him for the way he's turned out. (I adore my DS and he's a good kid and a hard worker, but he sounds like he could do with a bit of your DS's resourcefulness.)

[Floppityflop]

Haven't read the whole thread, but even if he has had to do some jobs it sounds as though he has a genuine interest too and maybe wants to create more advanced items if he wants a jigsaw and soldering iron. I agree that a balance is required, so some purely frivolous items too won't do any harm if within budget too!

[sarah00001]

He will meet a lovely partner and will be very happy. I firmly believe that those who are selfish and inconsiderate often end up unhappy and alone whereas those who are kind, generous and unselfish end up with loving and happy relationships.

[wickedlazy]

Haven't rtft but op are you sure that's not what he genuinely wants because he likes tinkering with things and diy?

My dad loves tools, we get him b+q vouchers for christmas and birthdays, because that's actually what he wants and will get use out off. He has a whole room devoted to tools and 20 million boxes of screws and drillbits etc. Do you have a local handyman or such you could pay to give him a few lessons in how to use tools safely? Don't be too hard on yourself. Sounds like he has a natural interest/knack for this sort of thing, which is brilliant!

[naicehamandpombears]

I really hope he does meet a lovely partner in years to come, he is already determined to be nothing like his own Dad, so whoever she may be is a lucky, lucky girl, and I think I've read enough MIL threads on here to know the do's and don'ts

[naicehamandpombears]

Great idea about setting up a little money maker by putting up flat pack furniture, I'll put that to him after christmas, he is such a sweetheart he probably wouldn't take money from the people who would hire him though

Upcycling furniture is something he could do, he has done it on a few bits in our house, not upholstering yet but he could probably do it.

I imagine in future years he will have his own business doing something practical, he isn't very academic at all so struggles with writing etc at school, but he is very clever.

I'll keep an eye out on freecycle too, its a bit quiet around here but I might manage to get a few bits on there.

Thank you all

[sarah00001]

naicehamandpombears, I hope that the responses you have received have helped you and made you realise what a truly great mother you are!. For what its worth and at the risk of sounding old fashioned, I think that it is wonderful if a man has good DIY skills (as it is for a woman too). They will come in so useful for the rest of his life. Also, the fact your son is so caring and considerate, I am sure that he will make someone a wonderful husband or partner. He will be kind, caring, giving and personally, being absolutely rubbish at DIY myself, a man who is good at DIY is an absolute godsend. As he is so kind and considerate, well, like attracts like, and I am sure he will meet a lovely partner in the future and will end up having a very happy and fulfilling family life. I have a 4 month old daughter, my first and probably only child. All I want for her is to be healthy, happy and also for her to be kind, considerate and thoughtful. It sound like your son to me!

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

He sounds amazing. You will definitely be able to pick things up on freecycle. And DH says Aldi/Lidl stuff is usually reasonable quality for what you get.

I think getting him to teach you how to do things is an amazing idea too. It will bolster both your confidence.

Well done for getting out.

[Katymac]

Ask on freecycle for tools, people often upgrade at Christmas

[nagsandovalballs]

I thought this was going to be a child being money grabbing and venal over Christmas.

Turns out he is just a mature, level headed and sensible young man!

[ImperialBlether]

Could he put an advert in the local shop saying he'll put together IKEA furniture for a tenner? (More for wardrobes, obviously!) There are loads of people who really struggle with that sort of thing.

Another thing he might like to do if he enjoys working with his hands is upholstery. He could buy some wrecked chairs and upholster them - there are loads of videos on YouTube about it. It could be a nice way of making a bit of money.

[naicehamandpombears]

Thank you.

He would love a workbench, we have a small shed (think it used to be a coal bunker) attached to the house. I might try and do it up in there over the next few months and make it into a 'workshop' for his birthday.

Thats exactly how I feel Imjust that he is looking after me in a lot of ways and I need to flip that, but I have realised that buying him tools isn't part of that as it is something he enjoys. If only I get could get him to enjoy tidying his room I would be onto a winner

[imjustahead]

op. i just want to say that i get why you said what you did in your title.

It's very hard being the only parent, and not blaming yourself for any thing that goes wrong, or feeling guilty when you think 'they' are looking after 'you'.

My dd is the same age, and has had a shitty life in many ways too, absent dad, etc... What I am starting to catch up with is that at this age they are just that bit more grown up, and i don't know about you but it's come around very quickly!

Your son sounds extremely caring and so bloody helpful, naturally, so embrace these traits, and don't worry too much about his choices. x

[rembrandtsrockchick]

My husband and both my sons are toolaholics and very capable and practical.

A workmate work bench is incredibly useful and older models appear on ebay and in the small ads in local papers regularly.

I think you are an excellent mother and he is a bloody good son!

[naicehamandpombears]

Thank you coffee

I don't mind leaving all toilet related disasters to ds though