Please don't flame me, my DSs christmas list has made me see I've fucked up badly

[naicehamandpombears]

I asked my ds for his christmas list last week, this morning he has given it to me.

For a bit of background his Dad is abusive, we lived in a refuge for a while, we are in our house now and life has settled nicely and has been for a while (I namechange regularly due to abusive ex)

Until about 20 minutes ago I didn't realise how much I have been relying on my ds and I feel like shit.

All he has asked for is various tools, I know it is all for jobs he wants to do around the house.

This isn't normal is it.

When I think back to how much I relied on him when we moved to help with decorating and various odd jobs I quite honestly feel like the worst mother in the world. He goes out a lot, has made friends etc, but he phones me to check on me a fair bit when he is out.

I've made him grow up well before his time, and I don't know how to fix it, please help.

[Katymac]

Are there any local tradespeople who might offer him some Saturday work to gain actual experience?

[theconstantvacuumer]

I thought you were going to say that he'd asked for a crossbow and hatchet!

It sounds as if he enjoys practical work/working with his hands. I very much doubt you've mucked up, he sounds like a great lad.

[motherinferior]

I think you'll sort it out.

[Travelledtheworld]

He sounds like a great lad.

He wants tools, why not buy him some ?

But don't get him lots of cheap tools, get him a couple of best you can afford. He will be proud of them and they are an investment for the future. What about a hand drill which can also be used as a screwdriver ? Lots of different bits and driver heads. I have a Bosch rechargeable one and it's really good.

I think clothes are OK as " stocking fillers" for boys but not main presents. My 15 yo DS would say the same. If they are not interested in clothes they think they are "lame"

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Could you perhaps include a book on carpentry, or find him a short carpentry course? If he says he's interested, then he might as well learn how to do these things properly.

He sounds like a lovely boy

[MrsFlorrick]

Is it possible that your DS just really has a strong interest in diy??

It might not have anything to do with your situation at all. It could just be his hobby and interest.

Fwiw at the DCs school there is a boy who is obsessed with metal work and at the age of 10 makes all sorts of things and brings them in.

My DH loves tools and tinkering. We have all sorts of stuff which he gets out at weekends. My DH isn't particularly good with said tools but the tinkering makes him happy.

I would get your DS the tools and if you can manage it some other bits too.

My aunt apparently asked for a sack of cement, two large pieces of ply and a saw for her 14th birthday.

[AcrossthePond55]

I think the tools are a wonderful idea. DH and I bought both sons basic toolsets when they were in their teens. Being able to do basic DIY is not only a wonderful life skill but can lead to good jobs and wonderful hobbies.

We've also had some wonderful talks with the boys during 'little jobs'. They seemed to let down those 'teenage walls' during handing over tools, screwing screws, or pounding nails. If you feel you've been 'over-relying' on him, then pitch in and help during those little jobs. It's a great shared experience.

[Jenijena]

I really don't understand it, but there are all sorts of raspberry pi projects you can do which involve soldering irons.

Could you get him some nice wood up make something 'fun' with, not just practicals? Ask him if there's something he'd like to make in particular and get a design etc.? If he's good, it's possible a hobby he could make pocket money or a living from.

My great uncle was a carpenter in the shipyard, the first thing they made their, apparently, was their own toolbox. I wonder if something like that might work?

[Garlick]

My aunt apparently asked for a sack of cement, two large pieces of ply and a saw for her 14th birthday.

Who was she planning to murder?

[naicehamandpombears]

It might well be that he is just interested in DIY, somewhere along the way everything has got confused and I'm not sure of the reasons behind anything anymore.

Classes or work experience would be great for him but there really isn't anything around here at all, we picked a really quiet location, which is what we needed but it doesn't give a lot of chance for clubs and things. A book would be a good idea though, I'll go and have a look to see what there is.

I have about £100 to spend I could maybe stretch to a tiny bit more, I also have £30 aside to buy him Pjs and a dressing gown and slippers.

Thank you for all your ideas and advice and support.

[Booyaka]

Oh my goodness OP, you're being silly. Your son has found an interest, something he's good at, something he likes doing, something which is constructive, something which could be the basis for a career or at the very least a very productive and enjoyable hobby.

This is a good thing! It's a positive thing! Nothing to worry about, be proud of it. Honestly, a lot of kids in his position might have turned to drugs or drink. He's found a really positive outlet. I think you should be proud of yourself and him.

[Bearsinmotion]

You might want to look at an Arduino too

I really wouldn't worry - DP was like this at 14, now he is an engineer with a job he loves and looks forward to doing DIY on the weekend!

[naicehamandpombears]

My aunt apparently asked for a sack of cement, two large pieces of ply and a saw for her 14th birthday

What on earth was she planning on doing with it

[deepdarkwood]

He sounds like a bloody star, and you have done an amazing job - but I do understand where you are coming from! I agree with others that there is nothing 'wrong' with this being what he wants - if he enjoys tinkering and DIY, then these will make his tinkering easier and more fun - think of it as a grown up version of lego and mechano!

My little bro was into freerunning/parkours - I think this is a cool shop if he's the type for whom clothing is a present... www.3runstore.com/

[whoreandpeace]

My DS is 15 and he loves building things and making things. I always go to him to fix anything on my computer. He just loves it. I don't rely on him (as also have DH), but he really enjoys feeling that he has helped. I know that he would love his own set of tools. My DH has always loved and cared for his own tools so can see that DS would see that as something to aim for.

My DS has only asked for packs of cards for Xmas. He enjoys doing magic tricks and doesn't seem to want much else. As they get older it does get harder to know what to buy them, so if he has asked for tools then get them for him. He will be over the moon. What a lovely DP he is going to make for someone one day. He sounds a wonderful young man. In between these gifts see if you can give him some chocolate or other treat that he likes so that there are some surprises when he unwraps things.

And give yourself a pat on the back. You sound like a wonderful mum who has given her son lots of love and security in difficult circumstances. You are amazing

[OurBlanche]

There are Parkour/FreeRunning Experiences too, including coasteering and slacklining.

You could give him an voucher / IOU for one of those, perhaps.

But if he likes tools, have a wander round B+Q and see what odd things there are to drool over. Toolbelts and boxes, zingy things all over the place. Focus on one of those things and buy him a job lot. They come in a variety of prices, starting at cheap as chips, and they all look good to me

[IrritableBitchSyndrome]

Maybe he enjoys feeling grown up, practical, useful, like a valuable person in the household and not just a dependent child. Letting him do the DIY sounds really good for his self esteem, to me. It feels good to be capable. Maybe you could think of it as cheap therapy?

[sarah00001]

You sound like a wonderful mother to have brought up a son who is so caring and considerate, despite the terrible difficulties you have faced!

You have done nothing wrong and he sounds like a happy, well balanced young man to me, as you say he goes out a lot and has friends. If he phones you a lot, it just shows how much he loves and cares for you!

Please be proud of what you have achieved as a mother.

[dangalf]

You've certainly not messed up, he sounds an enviably good lad. As a rather pathetic 34yo incapable of any DIY I am very jealous of his skills! That could be a great present and one that will last him years. If you want to, and can afford it, maybe get something else as a special gift but there is nothing wrong with a 14yo wanting tools for Xmas.

[MackerelOfFact]

This sounds like exactly what my brother would've asked for at 14. He is now an engineer and has his dream job working with Formula One cars. We had a perfectly stable childhood, it's just what he liked doing.

You're lucky to have such a lovely DS. From the sounds of things, he will go far.

[NKFell]

Oh don't be so hard on yourself! He sounds a real credit to you!

Feeling not just wanted and needed are lovely feelings to have and the fact he's encouraging you to trust him with DIY shows he must enjoy it.

My 6yr old often refers to himself as 'the man of the house' and he's taken to putting the bin out (I have to sneakily make sure it's light enough!).

[PurpleHairAndPearls]

Everybody has pretty much said everything that needs to be said...I just came on to say I have one into parkour - what about a skateboard or a stunt type scooter? If you have a garden or outside space you can pick up ramps/rails etc second hand too.

[coffeeisnectar]

You sound wonderful and so does your son. I have damp eyes reading this thread.

You've been through hell but quite clearly have managed to build a strong relationship with your son and bring him up to be considerate, kind, caring and compassionate.

He's a credit to you.

Please check out freecycle and put out a request for tools. I know you can't say where you are but we have some things here which we could pass on if you are anywhere near Dorset?

[shutupanddance]

He sounds like a very thoughtful, considerate young man. You have obviously done a cracking job despite of ex.