Bugger, DD just caught me looking at her texts :(

[CambridgeBlue]

She's 13 and I feel at this age I ought to be keeping an eye on who she's talking to and what they're saying/sending. I don't know any of the kids she's become friendly with at her new school and you hear so much about cyber bullying, sending inappropriate pics etc that I feel happier if I check up now and again. But I'm furious with myself for letting her find out as I feel now I've given her a reason to be secretive and keep things from me .

Parenting a teen is a bloody nightmare - I genuinely trust her but find it hard to accept that she's growing away from me and worry about anyone hurting her. She thinks I'm too strict because I don't feel comfortable letting her go off to unfamiliar places with a bunch of strangers - looking at what they say to each other on the phone or social media is the only way I have of judging if they're OK although I appreciate it's not a very reliable method.

How should I move on from this? Is it appropriate to check her phone/accounts from time to time? Should I mention it again and apologise (she was a bit annoyed but also seemed surprised that I was looking, I thought she knew I did as I have all her passwords). Really don't want to mess this up any more that I already have :(.

Poppydoll thank you for understanding :)

Prettyinblue I agree it's a minefield and such a fine line between being sensible and overstepping the mark.

There's a shirty letter from my grandfather to grandmother, where he basically blames grandma (for travelling to see her relatives & therefore ) their teenage daughter got drunk & had some kind of sexual contact with local (very adult) guy in their community. Aunt plus her mates were about 12-14yo when they succumbed to these temptations. That was 1935.

Finding a happy medium is so hard.. 4 years ago she was totally under majority of my control and now I don't feel I have any!!

I really despair when parents say they wouldn't dream of checking their child's phone. If you give them a phone and internet access without making it clear you'll be checking intermittently and without warning, and following through by actually doing it, you're failing to parent and failing to protect. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I see so many parents utterly shocked when they discover their child has been sending/receiving sexually explicit images or messages, or bullying messages. What do they expect when they've handed them the means and left them to it? Preteens and teenagers' risk processing isn't developed enough to navigate it all safely. They need you to check. Just be honest from the word go that you'll be doing it. You don't need to be furtive and apologetic about it - it's nothing like reading a diary.

My dd knew the rule was 13 for me being able to freely check everything social media and phone wise.
she's so literal that in fact she allowed me to check until the day age turned 14. Bless her black and white heart

This is making me feel much better, I'm reassured that I'm not as over the top as perhaps I thought. I just need to make sure I stick to sensible keeping an eye and don't go into full snooping mode, I agree that's invasive and not necessary.

I think a situation where parents are open about having free and full access to phones in exchange for providing them is preferable to not letting the kid know you intend to look at it. One is a straight open deal, the other is underhanded. You don't say you're worried about what you saw, just that you're annoyed you were caught looking. If you're going through her phone without her knowledge, she DOES have a reason to be secretive.

Would you read her diary? That's not a rhetorical question, I am genuinely asking.

We didn't have mobiles when I was 13 but if we did I would have shared all sorts of private things that, while perfectly normal and not anything to worry a parent, I would not have wanted my parents to see. It would have felt very intrusive.

DS knows even at his age that I'm checking his texts, emails and anything else I fancy until he's old enough to take responsibility for his own actions - it won;t be at 13.

With mobile phones and emails there a whole world of sexting, photo swapping and bullying which can go on without you realising. You child could be on either end of that delight - and you wouldn't check their texts at 13 occasionally.

I think its fair game as long as the rules are clearly laid out.

Perhaps my rule is - I'm checking until you pay your own bills.

You've got to be the adult in the relationship.

My rule will be honesty. Secretly checking is just justifying your child secretly texting and deleting. You model behaviour.

As others have said you now need to damage control- out the cards on the table and offer your dd the respect she deserves. She's allowed a phone and access to internet etcetera, but, as her parent you will intermittently be checking it, without warning or pattern. If I were in your position I would apologise for invading her privacy without her knowledge or consent, but make it clear how things will continue.

Put

I honestly thought she knew I looked now and then because I insist on knowing her passwords, lock screen code etc. I think I need to have a chat and just explain what I feel is appropriate and why then it's all upfront.

No I wouldn't read her diary. It's other people I am cautious about and whose words/actions I'd like to be aware of if needed. I trust DD and always will unless she gives me reason not to.

I'm not trying to be a pain, but if you thought she knew you looked then you wouldn't be distressed that she caught you at it. Something's not adding up.

It might not be easy these days but perhaps an old fashioned non smartphone is the way to go; if there's no camera she can't send or receive nude selfies, for example. And if you can get it on pay as you go, you're more likely to be able to keep tabs on what she's using it for; if she's ripping through credit you could look to find out why.

I work with teenagers and only the other week had a scenario where a 13 year old girl had been pressured to send a naked image of herself to a boy who then threatened to put it on Facebook. The police ended up involved. Turns out that was the tip of the iceberg and she was getting adult males via social media asking her her to meet in real life. She had no idea of the risk.

We mustn't assume also that it's only girls that have these things happen, I have worked with young lads who have had similar happen.
Plus there is all the cyber bullying issues that can happen, to both genders.

I think it is the responsible thing to do to be checking phone and Internet use, just explain that that is what you are doing.

• Details changed in the scenario above to protect privacy

Op it is not the fact you checked her phone, it is because it wasn't discussed before hand and now she feels you are snooping,she would need you to explain yourself, but one thing is for sure,nothing inappropriate will ever be left on her phone

I guess I assumed because she knows I have the passwords etc that she realised I would look at her phone from time to time eg she had some issues with it a few weeks ago and I had a flick through her messages after I'd sorted it out. The reason I'm cross with myself this time is because I did it sneakily which I don't usually and shouldn't have. And yes Donge that's exactly what I'm worried about now.

She recently got dumped by a boy and reading between the lines, it was because she wasn't going along with things he wanted to do (physically). I have been concerned that there might have been pressure on her and that her innocent selfies could move on to something less so in order to keep in with him/the rest of the crowd. Hopefully that explains my wish to keep an eye even if I've gone about the wrong way.

I personally do not find anything wrong with a parent checking the phone of their child (particularly at this age - 13). They are still very young and need strict supervision. My DD is 15 and I check her phone, FB messages, instagram regularly too. I have mentioned that I would be doing it when she was 13 and got her smart phone, but have not told her recently that I do it on regular basis. It is such an eye opener, seeing what they are up to. It is then up to the parent to choose whether to act upon what they have seen and how.
I think children these days are given far too much liberty too young and many of them abuse it royally.

Of course you should still check dcs' phones at that age. Not daily - but you should have passwords and let them know you can check and will check occasionally.

Can't believe the irresponsible parents who never check! How do you know your dc isn't sexting/being groomed/being bullied/putting out personal info etc if you don't check ever? 13 is young - some dcs have common sense but lots don't realise the dangers.

My dcs know that phone use is allowed only if there is no inappropriate swearing, inappropriate sexual content etc and if I find any, I will remove phone privileges.

Your role as a parent is to keep them safe above all else. If they are too immature to realise how they put themselves at risk, then as a parent you need to step in and enforce that.

How many times have you read parents of girls who were being groomed saying 'oh, I wish I'd checked her messages/facebook but I had no idea this sort of thing was going on, she didn't tell me.'

She almost certainly won't tell you if this stuff is happening. That's why you need to check.