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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Moving teenager overseas

17 replies

Candice16 · 13/11/2015 08:02

I really need some advice because I am tearing my hair out. Long story short, DD is 15 and her father and I have been split up 10 years. Last year we both remarried and I made plans to move to Australia with my new hubby and DD. When we went through mediation to discuss DD coming with me, both her and her dad insisted she stay behind. She was attached to friends and had got a lead in the school play and had just got a new baby brother. After so much stress, tears and sleepless nights I eventually agreed (reluctantly) to leave her there and moved to Aus with hubby.

It has now been a year since that decision was made and things are a total disaster. She has been miserable for most of the year, fighting with her dad and step mom, her grades have gone down and she has even run away from home!! HOWEVER, dad is barely speaking to me and when I told her it was time to move here in a recent chat she said she doesn't want to because she has a boyfriend now, of 5 months, and is madly in love. So despite her being unhappy at home she is insisting on staying for the bf. I know that deep down she is actually just terrified of not making new friends and being the outsider, but is now also turning this into a loyalty thing towards the bf and how she can't leave him in his final year.

I am trying to negotiate with her dad to get her over here regardless, but I just feel like I f*^ked up so badly leaving her there, (i must be the worst mother in the world) and now things have just gotten worse and harder to resolve. I also know that if I force her to move I will probably be hated for a long time! Any advice? Anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

TheSecondOfHerName · 13/11/2015 08:09

I would move back to where she is and start trying to repair the relationship. It may not be possible to help her get her life back on track, but if she knows that you are putting her needs first then I think it will be a step in the right direction.

Gracell4545 · 13/11/2015 08:12

Sorry but I would also move back. Not many teenagers would want to move 24 hours away from everything they know and all their friends.

madwomanacrosstheroad · 13/11/2015 08:19

You can't make her move and at her age she is not likely to want to move. Apart from that even if she was younger you would not be likely to be able to take her without her father's consent. If your new partner is committed to staying in Australia you need to make a choice between him and your daughter.

Branleuse · 13/11/2015 08:21

You need to move back. You should have waited till she was an adult to move away.

Ive been talking about moving overseas too, but my teenage son is what stops me. He could go and live with his dad and I could still do it, but im his parent and im not about to abandon him for my own dreams. Its tough. You need to go home to her before its too late. Do it again in 3 or 4 years

specialsubject · 13/11/2015 10:16

it was going wrong well before the boyfriend turned up. Is something else happening? Bullying? Mental illness?

Branleuse · 13/11/2015 13:03

yeah but that sort of thing is why teenagers still need their mum if at all possible. To navigate through things. To move to the other side of the world and leave your 15 year old behind who has lived with you up till that point, is abandonment. She didnt want to come with you, but did she want you to go?

Yorkshirebornandbread · 14/11/2015 22:06

In the OP's defence, her move to Australia was not a decision she took lightly. There may be perfectly good reasons why she took the action she did. Would the same criticism have been levelled at her ex husband if he had moved away. Could she come out over a holiday to see what it's like?

Branleuse · 15/11/2015 08:58

If the ex husband had been the primary carer for 15 years and then upped and left for australia, then yes, Id think that was really a bad move too.

wickedwaterwitch · 15/11/2015 09:00

I wouldn't have moved and left my child

Can you go back?

wickedwaterwitch · 15/11/2015 09:02

(I'd say the same of any man who did so too)

juneau · 15/11/2015 09:08

Firstly, I find it absolutely unbelievable that you would move to the far side of the world from your DD. I had a friend at school who's DM did this and left her and her DB behind and it was absolutely devastating for her. How any parent can just abandon their DC to pursue a relationship is beyond me.

As for you now insisting that just because she's unhappy living with her dad, stepmother and new baby she up sticks and move to Australia, because your love life is more important than her, again you leave me speechless.

But I doubt anything I or anyone else says on here will give you pause for thought, since you appear to be so self-absorbed that other people's lives and concerns just wash over you.

juneau · 15/11/2015 09:10

Would the same criticism have been levelled at her ex husband if he had moved away?

Yes, I would be equally critical of a father who did this.

RitaConnors · 15/11/2015 09:12

We've just done the reverse but my dd is only twelve. It is hard though. If her dad stopped her going with you then she must have felt terrible when you still went.

When you move to Australia people think you can Skype/FaceTime and visit ever year but it's not the case in reality. 'Real life' always gets in the way of visits I find. Taking time off work and school. Missing things that are going on where you live. And of course the time difference. The best times for talking to each other are the times of day when you are busiest.

I found my relationships have been severely eroded over time, despite my and my family trying to not let this happen.

ottothedog · 15/11/2015 09:24

I doubt you can force her and i would say your relationship has almost certainly been permanently altered by your decision a year ago. I do know people in similar situations. They still love each other and miss each other, but the choice was made and it has permanently altered the dynamics. I would suggest you moving back for a few more years is the only other possibility

pilates · 15/11/2015 09:29

Sorry, I think you need to either go back and live in England or put your foot down and demand she comes and lives in Australia with you. She is only 15 and still a child. You cannot allow this to continue. Staying in another country without you for a boyfriend at her age is just ludicrous.

Orangeanddemons · 15/11/2015 09:35

Why would anyone leave their own daughter and go and live on the other side of the world? And what's more, why did your dh/dp facilitate this by wanting you to go?

Move back.

sylviassecrets · 15/11/2015 18:09

Sorry agree with everyone else. You were massively selfish and out yourself first. Move back and try to repair your relationship before it is too late.

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