Now he knows what she's been saying about him on FB

[MrsJackAubrey]

Boy Girl twins of 17 with a long history of not getting on, at all. DS is far less socially confident and less popular, than DD. They go to the same school.

Her mobile phone breaks; he lends her his (amazingly). She checks her FB messages, gives phone back to him. And stupidly, does not log off from FB, leaving him access to her entire history of private messages.

He now knows the (quite nasty) things she has been saying to her friends about him, using the messaging bit of FB (not the public posts). He is not only fuming but also deeply hurt and embarassed whcih naturally makes him more angry in return.

She is deeply embarassed but also saying it is 'his fault' as he should have logged off her FB account and not read her messages and that it is his fault for looking at her messages. He says he saw his name in one so 'naturally' read it - saw how nasty she was being about him, and read more.

Who's right?

How do I get their relationship on anything like a tolerable footing? They really do not get on, but had developed a way of tolerating/rubbing along in the last few months that had made a huge improvement to family life in general. I'm destraught to be honest - he will hate her and of course now h as enormous amounts of 'ammo' against her, having read all sorts of private stuff; and she is feeling pretty terrible, is scared to death that he could use the nuclear option and 'ruin her life' by sharing what she's been saying privately over the years.

WWYD? Please help!

Oh lordy, have no help but a little understanding. My B/G twins are almost 14 and I can't bear the way they treat each other half the time. The other half they are very close which is what enables them to be so nasty I think.

Your son must be devastated. Have you seen the messages yourself, could be they aren't as nasty as he things - the shock of seeing them would of had an effect too?

You're going to have to do an intervention of some sort, family meeting of some sort? I've read up on them and they seem very very hard to keep on an even keel.

I'm wondering too at how to develop a basic respect between mine so following.

I think as their parent you need to firstly distance yourself from getting locked into 'who's to blame'.

Your OP seems to veer towards it being your daughters fault but then how do you know if they don't get on generally that she wasn't provoked? Have you seen the messages?

Plus she's allowed to vent especially on private messages to a friend/s we all need an outlet.

When did they start not getting along? What triggered it?

Could family counselling be useful? Or individual counselling for them?

I don't think I would trust anyone not to read my private messages if I forgot to log out of facebook. It's human nature. I think I could log out, and not look, because I'm actively trying to be less nosey but would be very tempted and if it was a sibling might take a quick peek in folder, if I saw my name would probably crack and look

Being nosey once isn't as bad as bad mouthing your sibling to your mates on a few occasions? though. I can see why your ds is hurt and upset. It's dd's own fault she left herself logged in, if she was that worried about her privacy she would have been careful to log out. How long it takes him to forgive her depends on how bad what she said was I guess.

Shitty timing with christmas coming up, especially when they've been co exsisting quite well lately. And must be hard for you to be stuck in the middle!

Could you make them sit down and have it out with each other? Write a pro/con list about each other, where they can acknowledge each others foibles/bad points, but also have to acknowledge the other has good points and there are things they like about each other? sorry if this is a crap idea, first thing that popped into my head. Also thinking now you should review lists first in case one writes anything too nasty

The rule, which they need to learn is; always log out because people will read. You can't blame people for private conversations. Neither is wrong, they are both human. Eavesdroppers never hear any good of themselves.

To heal this... who knows? Sometimes siblings don't get on.

Oh God, what a shitty situation.
I think she has every right to feel how ever she feels and to share that with whoever she wants in private just as he has every right to be upset about this.
I wouldn't say either one of them was unreasonable, he shouldn't have read the messages but I wouldn't blame him to be curious if he saw his name.
No real advise I'm afraid but good luck OP.

Is there an element of telling her friends how obnoxious her brother is to stop them fancying him? Just asking.

I suppose it's the same as saying "eavesdroppers hear no good of themselves". He looked, understandably,but that was tbe risk he took.

On the other hand it's sad she feels the need to send nasty messages. I feel family members should show a bit more loyalty, despite how they feel about each other. But that's probably an old fashioned view.

Well, I suppose that it all depends on what she wrote.... If it is too bad, it's quite shitty of her to try to get the moral high ground if her messages had hurt him badly.