Where have I gone wrong?

[rainbowstardrops]

I'm at my wit's end. DS is 15. He is just so utterly rude, grumpy, disrespectful and nasty!
I ask him 'nicely' so many times to do something/please don't do something and he just ignores everything.
After the zillionth request i suggested we need a family meeting to agree some ground rules .............. HE WENT BALLISTIC!!!
I'm the only mum that moans blah blah blah.
I usually try to let it wash over me but he's just so nasty towards me. everything is my doing. Naturally.
We try to support him in EVERYTHING that he wants. We even funded a school trip to New York that we really couldn't easily afford. His attitude didn't even improve then!
I've just asked him why he's so angry towards me bearing in mind his dad is rarely here (always for the good bits) so of course it's me here 24/7 but I do everything for him and the nastiness that came from him was horrible.
I try so hard not to tear up in front of him because he throws that at me too, so I took his phone and when more nastiness came out, I snatched his dinner (that I'd cooked after being on the go all day) and threw it in the bin
We don't have money but I've always tried to teach my kids that manners, respect ect cost nothing.
I don't even know why I'm posting. Just want someone to rant to I suppose

Mind you she is no model teenager but I'm not sure any of them are!

leaveme he absolutely would be on his phone the whole time if he had it later - that's my issue!!! We have tried in the past to leave him to his own devices and to self regulate but ds himself said he can't!
He puts his phone on charge at 9pm because by then he's been looking at a screen for a good few hours but he doesn't go to bed at 9pm. He'll then watch tv or spend time faffing in his room etc.
I'm a bit that you think asking to leave the table is a 'primary school rule'. It's not a rule at all it's just good manners

Teenagers brains change massively, and they are much worse at "thinking clearly" than younger children. For instance they see facial expressions as aggressive much more than they should.

It is also a time of high stress and great insecurity. Some hide their insecurity quite well, but it can burst out as rudeness. It's even worse when you realise that as well as feeling insecure, they misread your body language as disappointment or regret.

If you think about a time you have been under extreme stress you might see why they can't cope at times. And IMHO it is all much worse than when I was a teen (or even my nieces 10-15 years ago).

He actually sounds quite nice if he can apologise.
Do try to ensure he takes in enough (and ideally healthy) calories, has the odd break and down time, and gets some exercise. Good luck.

I expect dss to ask to get down. He 'finishes' first, though he generally refuses to eat most of what is on his plate. But he's always been fussy.
If you finish before others you either wait until everyone is finished or you ask to get down. Sometimes we say no if he asks, he has to wait.
He often takes the dishes up but I've always seen this as a cynical ploy to show the meal is over so he can bugger off, whilst he can't be told off because he's being 'helpful'. As it's the only helpful thing he does without being asked I don't think I'm being too mean thinking this!

Anyway, of course they should ask to get down.

We tend to err on the side of allowing more but taking it away when he shows he's not grown up enough to manage it. Rather than over managing him in the first place.

I'm glad it's not just me then that thinks it's just basic manners and politeness to ask to get down from the table
DD takes forever a bit longer to finish her dinner and we all lose the will to live a bit sitting there waiting for her, so I don't mind ds asking to leave the table but I certainly wouldn't expect him to just get up and wander off
I have realised that maybe I haven't been doing things quite right and that I need to back off a bit and cut him some slack.
Thankfully, he eats well at home normally and is very sporty and often very polite to others (just me that takes the brunt!) so all in all I think I should count my blessings wth him