Porn / peer pressure

[Dotty342kids]

I've become aware over the last month or two that 12yr old DS (yr8) has been accessing porn on his tablet or phone. He doesn't generally have them in his bedroom but occasionally they end up in there so I discovered this when checking his Internet history.
I'm very open about sex, relationships etc so have had no issues discussing it all with him, focusing on how porn doesn't reflect real people, real bodies or real relationships and is damaging and exploitative to those involved etc.
He says he understands all of that but doesn't seem to be able to help himself! A couple of evenings ago his phone had been in his pocket when he went upstairs. As soon as I realised that I went up to get it and, sure enough, he'd found a way past the filters on our home network and was on a porn site. I was pretty calm and asked him why he was looking again and he said a friend from school said he should look at this particular site. He's always struggled with impulse control and so I'm not surprised that he couldn't make the decision not to look at it but his inability to resist this mild peer pressure really worries me (probably more than the accessing porn itself!)
All I could really say was that he's in control of his own choices and if it's easier he can just say something to his mates like "yeah, I looked at that site" and then just move the conversation on, when his mates ask him about it.
DH is of the view that we need to take control of this situation and actively protect him from this stuff. DS is still quite emotionally immature and I think although he understands what we're saying, he hasn't developed the ability to control his impulses or resist pressure from his peers yet. Because of that DH is saying that as his parents, we should help him by restricting, or remove, his access to tablet and mobile until he seems more able to cope with the maturity needed. But I struggle to see how he can prove himself if we take away all the devices!
Really looking for some advice on helping him resist the temptations of porn and other pressures that will come along in future years!

I'm with your DH.

This is the second thread on here today about pre-teens accessing porm on mobile devices. FFS, they are children - stop being so wishy washy. He's proven he can bypass your parental controls and is accessing porn. Remove his devices and tell him why. Or are you going to wait until he shows it to another child and it becomes a safeguarding issue?

Funny you should say that. I was thinking of talking to the school about it in those terms (safeguarding). I've already been up there to flag that it's an issue but I don't think they really see it as their responsibility or intend to do much about it.
I feel that for my son to be encouraged and pressured, by another pupil at the school, during school time, to look at these sites (not at school as they can't get past the firewall there thankfully!) is an issue for them to address. But I really don't want my poor DS to be put in the position of being asked to explain what's been going on in detail to his teachers or being exposed as someone who's "snitched" on his peers

Hi op

Porn and teens especially pre teens is very corrosive and corrupting, please please don't allow him to access it. It's not Play Boy it's some of the worst of the worst which is now considered the norm.

I've had boys crying because they think that some of the things they have seen will be expected of them, it's insidious and highly addictive, and as an addiction is very hard to treat.

isn't this the second thread by op ?

here is the other one

Yes, was second thread as the other one wasn't getting much response

take the gadgets away. Set up router passwords, no internet access for him after 8pm or whenever. He's a child.

teach him not to be a sheep, peer pressure is for fools.

I have spent years and years having the "don't be a follower, make your own choices and decisions" conversation. What do you do when it just doesn't sink in though?

Then you accept that he isn't able to make sensible choices and remove his internet access

Be a parent. Your DS needs you to protect him from the shit out there on the internet. Stop expecting a 12 year old to have impulse control re the internet when many adults can't manage this. This stuff is harmful.

Up your parental controls. Log which websites he accesses. Only allow access in a room with an adult, never his bedroom. If he still goes on stuff he shouldn't, then confiscate his tablet.

You need to up your game here. I have a DS in year 7 and am well aware he has a couple of friends who have accessed porn. My DC have phones with payg so have no access to internet when out and about. It is great to be open about sex and relationships but there is some deeply damaging stuff out there.

I agree, I think porn is hugely damaging at this age. When they're older and more mature they can think through the implications of it, but at this age, they really can't!
I'm going to ensure that I can easily turn the WiFi on and off when I'm out of the house (he occasionally gets left for half an hr or so when picking up sibling from clubs etc). No devices anywhere other than kitchen / living room and only when DH or I are around at the same time. Parental controls are already set up but he found a way around them which DH needs to sit down and look at asap.

You're all really helping to focus in on the important stuff here, so thank you

Good luck Dotty, have a look at the ceop website. There is a section for parents that I found really useful.

Yes, looked at that the first time this situation occurred. Some really good resources on there

Hi op

I'm with sky so opted out of being able to get porn sites automaticity, is this something you could or already do?

We have filters set up on our home TalkTalk network, but somehow he managed to get around them. We're going to spend a few hours later this week going through every filter / device / browser to double check the settings!

He's deliberately gone to quite some effort to bypass your controls despite having been caught/told not to already? That's not 'poor impulse control', that's deviousness.

I would be raging if I was you. Remove all devices, replace smartphone with a basic model, no internet phone. It's absolutely unacceptable, plus so damaging. He's only 12. I would even go so far as to say it is negligent of you to continue to provide him with the means to expose himself to this. If I was teaching a 12 year-old and became aware that he was regularly accessing porn at home, I would be raising it as a child protection issue.

When you do start allowing him (limited/supervised) access to the Internet, you can install things like key loggers, or ones that list sites which have been accessed. I would have all devices on toddler settings, he's old enough to grasp that he shouldn't be trying to get round your systems, and the consequences of it.

So, checked the filters and found what the issue was. Have now locked them down and had a stern chat with him along the lines of "we've locked the security down so if you go near another porn site, not only will you be breaking our trust in doing so as we've explained very clearly that it's inappropriate for you at 12yrs old, but you'll have had to sneak around our safety mechanisms too and you'll be in a world of trouble and will lose your tablet and phone for as long as we decide!"
He seems to have taken that seriously so we'll see.........