shy, bullied 13yo dd with no school friends HELP

[mangoandbananasmoothie]

My 13yo dd is in yr9 now but has been bullied at school for the past 3 years - usually she is talkative, funny and friendly but at school she has become the most shy girl, not talking to many people.

She has one very close, genuine friend who happens to be extremely popular, but this girls other friends have been te source h of the bullying for the past few years and apparently "hate" my dd.

She is a lovely girl with a great personality and is into fashion and runs a fashion blog. She is also keen on acting and has a great group of friends from an outside-of-school drama club.

None of these friends go to her school, her only school friend is the one girl who has been SO supportive over the past few years. I need advice on what to do, this girl is often doing sport at lunchtime so is not around to hang out with, leaving my daughter who has become so so shy at school from this alone with no one to talk to. Many of the girls in her year also do not like her, fir no obvious reason which is so unfair! This leaves her feeling quite alone a lot of the timewhat do I do?

I'm notdescribing the situation very well so sorry, but hopefully you get the jist of it.

Have you spoken to school about it? Your DD may not be keen for you to but I would. Girls can be terribly bitchy and DD had a crap first 3 years but since mid year 9 things have become slightly less dramatic!

Definitely talk to the school. This kind of bullying is insidious and may not be obvious to staff but schools have a duty to protect children.

I would change schools if possible. I think once a child has been excluded and categorised as a certain type, it is hard to change.

I am overly influenced by my own experience though. My son was in this situation (excluded and subtly bullied), and we ended up HEing for the first term of year 10 and then sending him to a different school. He immediately had lots of friends and was SO much happier.

fiona and caravanista, thanks so much for replying, we spoke to the school last year and although they were lovely and tried to help, not much help though. Girls of this age can be SO bitchy, I agree ugh

Clara, yes I do think that a move would be good, I'm just not sure if it would be too late to readjust and make friends, thanks for the help :)

My son stopped going to school after the end of year 9 and started fresh after Christmas in year 10. In the time away from school, he got some perspective on the warped social world of school (just by getting away from it), did some volunteering, travelled a bit, had time for hobbies, and did some studying.

After Christmas, he had a little more confidence in himself and a fresh start at a friendly school. He made friends really quickly, I think partly because it is interesting to have a new person in a class in the middle of the year. The new classmates looked at him with fresh eyes and never saw him as a pathetic person who should be teased and ostracised; suddenly he was cool and quirky...

This is just our experience, so I don't know how useful it is to hear about it, but certainly changing schools, even at an inconvenient moment in the school year, was the right thing for our son.

Clara, thank you so much, that's so great to hear someone else's story and it really helped!

Sounds like the school is just wrong for her? Is there another option school wise?

Slightly younger than your DD, but we took DS to a school where no other children from his school went. He had been bullied all through primary. He is finding hard to make friends, but the school are very supportive and pro active.

I remember so well the pain and worry as you watch your child be damaged by something you can't control. Our son was ashamed and wouldn't/ couldn't talk about it, so it took a long time to figure out what was happening. People would do things like move when he sat with them at lunch, which is just so hurtful.

I think if it had been obvious, like people punching him, he would have told us, but he was just made to feel like no one liked him, so he thought there was something wrong with him, which is hard to talk about when you are 13-14.

The new school just broke the pattern for him.

I wish you all the best luck in the world in dealing with this.

Maybe you do need to move her. You shouldn't have to in an ideal world but you need a solution.

Is there any lunch time activity/club she could do?

I used to run a school library and had a large team of volunteers. Some of them were lonely ones that just used to lurk in the shelves during lunch and they came out of their shells when they joined the team.

Babyganoush - they are a few other options, I definitely need to check them out!

Audit Angel, thanks so much!

Clara, I have exactly the same situation except with a girl, thanks so much for the help! X

Onsera - I recommended trying to spend lunchtime in the library so that's what she does atm, unfortunately no specific library club which would have been great as she loves reading, but I recommended her getting involved in other clubs and activities! Thanks :)

I am in a very similar situation although the main bully isnt at her school anymore. Our school has a nurture room kids like mine can spend lunch in. They have also run self esteem, friendship and confidence sessions with her. I wouldnt say the sessions have made any difference but the nurture room has.

I moved school in year nine

I was your dd when I was 13. I was completely outcast and so unhappy. I'd sit down on a bench in science and everyone else would get up and sit somewhere else. It was just horrendous.

I missed 9 months off school due to it all and had a bit of a breakdown and then started another school the next year. Best thing I ever did. No one at the new school knew my background and I soon made new friends (I just told them I'd changed areas etc). Well worth considering a move.