Over-involved or just trouble letting go - 17/18 year olds

[beelights]

Hello,

Long winded. If any parents have experience of teens on the cusp of 18 would really appreciate advice.

Background on DD 17, nearly 18: She asked to go out last night and stay with a friend on a college night. She had a reasoned suggestion (only drop off coursework day at college today and then study in library). She had been out the night before to the pub and come back at 12.30 instead of 11.30 (due to designated driver going via late night Maccy D's). She is spending more time out socialising, though the rule is no overnights during the week. She appears to be managing her work load and I have heard no warnings from college. She is a mix of mature but also can be a toddler (if you know what I mean). She is bright but is not that interested in education and doesn't really try to the best of her ability. She managed 10 reasonable GCSEs with a few As and Bs, and is aiming for BCC grade A levels to go to Uni for a course after year out (not holding my breath for her actually going to Uni as I think she isn't really suited to academic life).

Anyway, I am finding it hard to get the balance between letting her go/learn to fail/plan her own work/choose how she socialises etc with keeping an eye out and 'parenting'. For example, I cook a meal for the three of us (her twin bro) and she may text to say she is not hungry and is going to see friend and back 8pm so don't cook. I ask her to come back as I have had no notice and food will waste (also some deluded idea that we should have family meals...). She gets fed up and says she should be able to choose to eat alone etc....Or today, for example, after staying out the night at friend's, I phone at 10am to check she is actually in college. I hear myself asking about whether she has done XYZ coursework, then repeating question about what her plans are. I worry because her room is a tip and I see college files all over the floor with notes disorganised. In effect, I keep kind of nagging. She tells me to let her handle it and she is in the library trying to work. She is kind of work-shy, but has always managed to do last minute cramming. Her mocks were pretty dire though. I feel like the nagging is just driving a wedge between us and it is time to let her get on with her life, but at the same time I feel I can't just let her drift off into her preferences for what appears to be prioritising socialising and Facebook...She is also still borrowing "Just a fiver" and has not got a job, which is also a topic of nagging. And I miss our evenings watching DVDs together. We have had a couple of evenings watching old Dibleys recently and it was lovely.

This is soooo long. If anyone has read this far then you deserve a medal. Thanks for letting me off-load. And if you have any advice or experience of late teenage kids, all is welcome. And don't get me started on my silent, grunty, secretive DS (also 17/18 cusp)....

xx Bee

They do seem to begin to mature when they're 17. And once they leave home they suddenly grow up a lot.

I parented the elder one with a light touch except for her education. She was close to being thrown out of school in her final year for being persistently late (Scottish system - she had accepted an unconditional offer so not quite as drastic as it sounds) With hindsight it might have been wiser to stop baling her out with last minute lifts to school and let her experience the consequences of her actions. She might have followed the rules of uni more closely and saved herself having to find out the hard way that if you don't follow their requirements to the letter you will be penalised. She won't make that mistake again and nothing except her own time has been lost.

I think I'm amazed (with admiration) that you have been still that hands on with her school work. I lose all energy by the time they reach 12-13 & thereafter feel I'm doing my job if they simply get to school every day (until end of yr11). After yr11 it's up to them what they do. I'll support anything they ask, but I've no energy at all to push them.

Missing meals for me are different: I wouldn't cook anything I thought would go to waste!! I'd ask to negotiate some kind of compromise about when to expect meals together.

Hi

lljkk - I am hands-off with my son (her twin). I haven't seen or heard anything of his work since GCSEs, and even then he just got on with it. My daughter is different though. She has papers everywhere, files stacked and untouched, books with covers hanging off. Her disorganisation and the fact she flies so close to the wind just presses all my buttons, so I nag. It doesn't work though....Makes no difference and she has consistently handed in assignments and revised the day before.

Yes to the cooking. I hate the waste of food and effort. I have told her I need at least an hour's notice of her eating elsewhere. Let's see if it works!

rogue - I think you have hit the nail on the head for part of the problem. I am protecting her from learning her own lessons for sure.

Its just so hard to stand back and say nothing and see dd wasting all that time trawling through Facebook/twitter etc for hours on end. She was complaining that she just does not have the time to fit in everything college expects of them. How can she be expected to have a family life (she has virtually nothing to do with us anyway), do her homework, get a part time job (she has no intention of doing this!) and have a social life? Really? I made the mistake of saying that if she didn't spend 5 hours lying on her bed on her phone on a Saturday she might be able to do some work. She took offence to that in a big way and after throwing her homework on the floor I was requested to get out! She has more than enough free time at college to do work as she is only taking 3 subjects. Socialising is the number one priority.

She is late all the time for everything as well. I was giving her lifts to school every day in the run up to GCSE's but I don't any more. Its so important to her that she is looking perfect that she does not care if she is late. So long as she looks good. I've left this in the hands of college to sort out! No more lifts from me.

I am piggy in the middle with dd and her dad. They hardly speak to each other after one too many arguments this past year. Such a shame as he was always the more laid back and it was me always nagging and checking up on her all the time. She has a temper and said some very hurtful things and he has just withdrawn from having to deal with her.

I find it so hard trying not to get so involved. Sometimes its all I think about and I realise its got to stop as I'm churned up all the time which isn't good!

I told her that once GCSE's were over she was on her own and would have to take responsibility herself. But I am still too involved aren't I?

I love her so much and I just want the best for her. Sorry I've gone on a bit much

I'm in a similar situation here. Dd in first year of 6th form. Absolutely no work ethic. Only cares about socialising but insisted on going to 6th form as everybody was going. No ambitions and no idea what she wants to do, except acting but she is too lazy to make a proper attempt at that.

I despair over it at times but try and keep things in perspective. She has got a good set of GCSE's, she is happy, healthy and things could be a lot worse. Its hard when you think of their future but nagging them won't make them change and only causes bad feeling.

I only wish I could take my own advice

I agree, this age is really hard, I really find it hard work and my ds is a great boy! I'm just finding the letting go bit difficult. Will read the thread when I have time, but you're not alone, op!

Bee, I love being friends with my DD and DS (also twins like yours) as they are not only the nicest people I know but also the most interesting! As they've got older I just let them get on with it. Focus on what they do not what they say, has been my mantra. If I'm lucky, there's a meal for me when I get home from work; if unlucky, I cook for whoever's in. Very little going out during the week but Fri and Sat nights are their own - they tell me where they are going, text me about when they'll be home, and are 'sensible' and good kids thank the heavens.

My DS is too lazy to grow goth nails. But sometimes takes himself off - alone- to punk concerts, which I think is the epitome of cool!

Ravingloony the same thing has happened with my DD and her dad - they both irritate each other. It's a real strain being piggy in the middle. I'm finding this phase as exhausting as the early years tbh. The mental stress is ridiculous!

Yes I agree about the mental stress! Its so hard when dd and dh don't like each other and barely speak. Hope they will both grow up soon!