Suffocated

[Bluemoon35]

It seems most people have the opposite problem...hoping to get some helpful advice!

My 18 year old stepson moved in with my husband and me almost 2 years ago (previously had him 3-4 days a week).

My husband and I both work full time, our 7 year old goes to school, our 18 year old is home all day. For the past several months, he waits at the door for my husband to get home from work - once he arrives home, my stepson does not leave his side unless one of them goes to the bathroom - not exaggerating - connected to his side every second of everyday until my husband goes to bed or falls asleep on the couch.

It's to the point now where it's suffocating. He's always right there. There's no chance of a private conversation between my husband and me, it's not possible to spend any alone time, our 7 year old doesn't get any alone time with him...our 18 year old is with him and follows him everywhere he goes-like they're conjoined. Even when I think I can preoccupy our 18 year old and sneak 2 min of my husband's time...nope here he comes rushing over.

Our 7 year old doesn't even act this way....

My husband seems oblivious or simply doesn't mind - asks me personal questions and private questions while our 18 year old is standing by. Absolutely no privacy so I choose not to talk to my husband about private things that I don't want our 18 year old involved in. My husband handles him with little tiny baby kid gloves. I can't come up with a nice way to tell our 18 year old to find something to do. He has nothing to do - nowhere to go...my husband doesn't seem to mind him sitting at home all day with no ambition to do anything even though he's extremely smart. It's starting to get irritating and I'm losing connection with my husband.

I know it's good to have your kids want to hang out with you - and I know most parents wish their teens would do it more...but this is overboard and suffocating!!

Any advice is welcome!

Fairylea - this may be true for him -IF he does have ASD, he may be unaware of that social aspect. I will have to come up with a kind way to tell him we need a bit of space for a while. This is definitely becoming habit as he waits at the door like a dog for his dad to come home and then they're connected for the rest of the night - even if DH just gets up to get water...SS will be behind him within 10 seconds or less. It's hard to imagine someone doesn't recognize this in themselves, but IF its ASD then it would make sense...if it's not ASD, I guess we have a different problem!!

One other thing...this just started happening in the last several months - prior to that, he would hang out in his room making music, watching TV, video games or attempt to hang out with friends. He would hang around us in a way more typical of teens.

Do you think this is something that could have just "kicked in" in the past few months?

Annandale - yes, unfortunately I have to write text which he doesn't like but there's not much choice. Great idea to have a day off together and meet somewhere.

I have expressed to him my frustration that I can't get 2 seconds and that I don't like him asking personal or private questions when I don't want SS involved in those kinds of private conversations. He just seems to make excuses and feel bad for him. I think he allows it simply because he feels bad for him.

He may know he's anxious...

He moved in with us full time because he struggles to get along with his mom. Because their relationship was so deteriorated, he started acting out, was choosing not to do school work even though he was capable of all A's. We had him move in to get on the right track again.

Since he graduated, he hasn't been social with any friends, he has lost ambition for his career goals. Again, he is VERY smart and would be able to have freelance project if he put in a tiny bit of effort.

Well it may be pure anxiety. Concerning, whatever it is. It sounds like the poor kid is not coping at all.

Just throwing this out there, who decided he should move in with you both? If his mum willingly let him go maybe in his eyes he sees this as a rejection and he's scared of his dad doing the same? Very much a shot in the dark but there is definitely some deep seated anxiety going on and I wonder what has triggered it off. Has your dh been ill recently and could your ss had got the wrong end of the stick? Something like that?

Because I find the behavior so strange, I don't even think he's capable of being out on his own like a lot of 18 year old men are. It's concerning...

No illness or mention of leaving, in fact DH said he could stay as long as he wanted and no rush to be out on his own.

It was ultimately SS decision to move with us full time. We offered him help knowing he was struggling in the relationship and with his schooling. His mom first said she wanted him to go, then tried to keep him. He packed his things one day and showed up at our door to stay.

You don't sound like you're in the UK. I know you said he doesn't think he needs college but has he looked at his options on really good top uni course? Oxbridge? Has he been to uni away days or considered part time courses? Perhaps he needs a gentle nudge.

Something seems wrong here. I'm not an expert at all, but it seems like your son needs a bit of help. Your relationship and also your other son are going to suffer otherwise, and your 18 yr old won't move on in life. Maybe he's a late bloomer or maybe there's a deeper problem here. It does seem like he may have Aspergers from your description of his behaviour, not all teenagers hate their parents but they definitely don't want to be with them 24/7, by natural design.
I hope you get to the bottom of it.
I'm currently forcing my 18 yr old to work to pay housekeeping to me, or she'll just lay in bed all day, everyday. I'm using tough love on her, as nothing else has worked. It may be the case for you in the end too.
Good luck x

Blimey! I would definitely say there are some issues here, both with your DS and DH. Can you not sit DS down and say, look, you are really talented, but you can't sit around all day wasting that talent, you need to get some specific training, and then look at training courses together. Then think about taking him to the GP for an assessment for asperger's or similar. It also screamed ASD at me and I'm not that knowledgeable on it, although know friends who have children with ASD.
Also speak to your DH and tell him that it's unaccaptable for DS to be with him 24/7 and that he should be encouraging him to go to college/do extra-curricular stuff, etc.
I would be mortified if at 18, my kids wanted to hang out with me all the time and would be looking to reasons why.
I have a friend whose siblings at a much older age, still live with their parents who are now quite old themselves!! The DS is def on the autistic spectrum and the DD goes everywhere with the mum, she is 30 I think. My friend and I always say we are going to chuck our kids out whether they like it or not !!

Everyone on here has been so amazing!

Haffdonga - DS had a small scholarship to go to a good college after winning a robotics competition. Ever since he figured he was smarter than his teachers at the specialized Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathmatics school, he decided he would not go to college because he thinks he's already above it and it would be a waste of money. I've even asked if he would go ahead with other schooling options and he will refuse - he thinks he already knows everything. He can do software and coding and has great experience under his belt already but he's not seeking out any new projects.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who find this to be strange as I know I definitely was not around my parents 24/7 when I was that age.

TuTru - I also think he won't move on in life and we will be doing this far too long!!! Unfortunately, my husband won't be on my side with tough love as he babies him and feels sorry for him - I think main because of the falling out in the relationship between DS and his mom.

JustDanceAddict - That is exactly what terrifies me in all of this is that I'm losing the closeness and the relationship I've had with my husband over the past 10 years. I'm can't even get 5 min of privacy with him unless it's bedtime, which I really resent.

All - I was able to shut my husband in our room and tell him my feelings about DS being RIGHT THERE every second of every day - zero chance of time together or a private conversation - and that we need to get DS to move forward with a career and involved in other interests - get him out of the house for a while each day. He told me I was being a B and didn't want to talk about it.

I have a feeling this is going to turn out horribly...

Aside from your step son's problems, it seems like your husband is using your ss as a shield so that he doesn't have to address issues he possibly has with you.

Thanks for that point jalopy - I'll think about this one. Everything has been fine between me and DH, even when SS first moved in. Things were good. Only issue is the increasing irritation I have for SS connected to him 24/7. I feel like I have to be married to my DH and SS as if they are conjoined. Even private conversations.

I've been supportive and encouraging of SS, offering help to advance himself. Have been on my best to be in a good mood despite being annoyed.

I'm not sure what issues he would have with me but I'm going to dig a bit deeper on this point. Maybe for him, it's no bother to have SS with him at all times.

Also jalopy, DH is now not spending any quality time or 1-on-1 time with our 7yr old daughter. He says good morning to her, and goodnight - sometimes snuggles her when she's already asleep and not aware of it. Any conversation started between them is quickly taken over by SS. I'm concerned about their relationship suffering. I'm not making it into anything with our daughter - just as if all is normal. Do you think that now that SS is with us full time, he's pushing us away?

Is your DH someone who needs to be needed or a rescuer?

His behaviour is really bizarre tbh (your DH btw)

He is actually former police officer RandomMess!!! But obviously doesn't care that my daughter and I need him too...

This situation is just getting to be so bizarre. I'm feeling like were being pushed out and that things may not get better.

I've mentioned seeing a therapist - either DH & SS or all of us...DH scoffs at it and SS said he tried it with him mom and it didn't work and he just played "mental games" with the Dr. Now I wonder if SS is playing "mental games" with ME in what he's doing & DH is just stupid!!??

Are you prepared to draw a line in the sand with your DH and say that unless he starts allocating you and DD individually some daily SS free time (it doesn't have to be huge amounts does it) that you will end the relationship?

You are not being unreasonable in what you are wanting/asking but for as long as you are prepared to tolerate your needs being ignored your DH has no incentive to do anything about the situation does he?

RandomMess - I am prepared!! And you're exactly right - it doesn't have to be a huge amount of time it's more about the quality of the time ANY time! I take marriage very seriously but I can't keep going like this.

My biggest concern is DD and splitting our family but in a way he's already doing that. I can't help but think if we spit that he would value his time with her more and they would have a better relationship.

My thoughts are that if DH doesn't mind SS suffocating us and he doesn't make any time for our relationship and I do nothing, I will be living this way miserably forever!! In DH's mind There's no rush for SS to jump into his career, no rush for the 19 yr old man to be out on his own...SS could live with us doing nothing forever!

Right now DH is peeved that I've brought it up and is giving the silent treatment. Our next discussion will be drawing the line. The past few days I've been spending more 1-on-1 time with DD and going home later since there's not much to look forward to other than cooking, cleaning and being suffocated and taken for granted.