18 year old son struggling

[Kittiecatt21]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a long story so I'll try and shorten it.

Five years ago I got divorced after my ex-husband left me for another woman. I tried to keep things amicable but my ex didn't want to know. My daughter and son took it badly and I was left to pick up the pieces. My son, who was 15 at the time, began verbally abusing me, and my ex refused to support me with him. Eventually my son left to go and live with his father and the woman. That was three and a half years ago. During that time, neither my son or my ex contacted me, and my ex even moved my son to a different school without telling me.I messaged my son regularly, sending birthday and Christmas cards and gifts, even though I got nothing back. I refused to give up on him.

Two weeks ago, completely out of the blue, my son messaged me to say 'emotionally', he could not live in that house any longer. He was redoing his final year at school and he hated it. Every day was a battle for him and he didn't know what to do with his life.

He apologized for being a bad son to me but wanted to know if I would help him. I didn't hesitate and he is now back home. His father has not contacted me to ask how he is, which I'm not surprised about. However, I am very concerned about my son. For the past few days, he has stayed in bed all day, just getting up for dinner in the evening. He hasn't showered for a few days either. I have tried to get him to come out with me or his friends but he doesn't want to do anything. He just says he feels under the weather.

I don't want to nag him as he had only been back two weeks, but I just don't know what to do. Should I let him settle in for another few weeks?

My daughter is at uni so doesn't come back every week. She hasn't seen her father for two years, her choice. I have never stopped either of my children from seeing their father. It is their choice.

Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

I think you should give him space - with a deadline.

If I was you I would sit him down (or write to him, that is sometimes easier for a teenager) and tell him how pleased you are that he felt that he could come to you, but that you are concerned he is drifting. It's now November - suggest you and he come up with a plan for January, so he gets a couple of months to come to terms with what's happening, but doesn't leave it all too late.

If he sorts something for himself to do (short term) from January, with a more definite arrangement for starting a course next September, then he has only lost a year - possibly not even that, from a "future" point of view. And if he is unwilling to look at courses could you encourage him to look for a Christmas job - lots of places are looking for teenagers to work just for December.

What are his friends doing? If they are still at some sort of school can he go there in January?

I would also set him very small goals - just around things like proper meals, fresh air, exercise - would he join a gym, do any of his friends do any sort of sport?

While you don't want to pressurise him, if he is depressed sitting in his room playing video games all night won't help long term.

I agree with everything you've said, and my plan was to give him until Christmas to get settled and then talk. I have mentioned college/jobs/going out, but he doesn't want to talk about it, and just says 'no', if I suggest going out. It's so hard.

Good advice on this thread

AF, I could a tale unfold. Only I won't.

I'm sure.

It seems to me that it's always left to the mum to pick up the pieces.

Yes, AF, excellent advice on this thread. We all have a story to tell... Xx

Ain't that the truth.

It's a good thing that we keep going and never give up on our children. I dread to think what would have happened if I'd admitted defeat x

OP, don't read anything sinister into my last post. Worse things happen at sea, as my grandpa used to say. No, I'm not certain what he meant by that either, but it's supposed to reassure.

True Kittiecatt x