DD Behaviour

[daisys]

Hi everyone, this is my first post on mumsnet. We are having major problems with my dd, she is 11 and 12 in new year, so I thought I might be better posting in the teenagers forum. For the past few months dd has been difficult to say the least. She argues over everything which I know is normal at this age. But she is getting violent. Tonight she had a major paddy because we were putting the Xmas tree up and we assembled the tree but didn't decorate it we were waiting for her to get home from school.. So she comes home from school and saw I had put the little nativity set out and other little bits and goes into one. Screaming and swearing, saying she hates us and wants to leave. She always says she wants to leave if we try to discipline her. So husband talks to her telling her to calm down, and she launches herself at him, kicking and trying to scratch him and pull his hair. Then she shouts she wants social services to take her away, then unlocks front door saying she is leaving. We bring her back into house and remove all door keys, so she opens an upsatirs window and tries to climb out
so we close windows and hide keys to windows. So she starts banging on the windows screaming 'let me out' . We don't smack, but tonight I smacked her bottom as she was kicking and scratching me. This went on for 3 hours!!! In the end son who is 17 calmed her down by talking to her, she says she won't listen to us as she hates us. Later she acts as though nothing has happened. We asked why she behaved like that and she says she doesn't think she has done anything wrong!
This is getting regular, it's like walking on eggshells, anything can throw her into this rage.
She was home educated for her last primary school year but wanted to try secondary school and only got a place at the end of October. I have asked if there are any problems at school, she says no. She has met up with some girls from her old primary school at her senior school.
We are not sure whether to go into the school to ask for help/advice or go through a doctor, as someone we know went trough the same with their daughter and were referred to family therapy or something.
aNY ADVICE PLEASE?

my 14 yr old has a lot of moments like this, she does see the school counselling service

a lot of it is her age, a lot of it is because of her feelings on her father and i splitting

it's really hard, sometimes i wish someone would come and take me away!

i cant solve your problems but i just wanted you to know you arent alone

Oh dear - I know the problem, but seem to be able to calm my dd down by discussion with her in a calm way. It is a very difficult situation, but I have always tried to maintain a dialogue with both of my dds (however, I perhaps haven't experienced the very difficult behaviour that you are experiencing at the moment).

I think that the age of 11/12 is difficult because they are getting into the hormonal stage - I think they see red and can't control themselves. Try not to shout - let her shout and rant and scream, but try to stay calm at all times. It can be hard and I can feel myself going hot, but I try to suppress it by not saying anything at all.

I don't know about family therapy because it makes the children feel that they are a problem to you. An acquaintance has had this type of therapy and her son ran away to London - they found him living in a hostel and he said that he felt it was better for him just to go because he had become such a problem and he felt they didn't want him. It is difficult when you are trying to do your best and there is no appreciation at all, but children don't appreciate things, they take them for granted.

I hope today will be a better day for you. Try to talk to her when she is calm and tell her how upset you were by it all, may be she will see then how unreasonable her behaviour is?

Sympathy! Especially the personality shift from 'i hate you and am running away and killing you' to acting as if nothing has happened.

Do you have a video camera? Do you think you could video her ranting next time she has a paddy? then show it to her when she is calm? She might not really realise how horrible she is being or how much it upsets you. Obviously she will need to be in a 'what problem?' mood to view it.

They are so difficult at this age - my dd is 13.5. She is forever telling me to 'stop shouting', when I am speaking in a firm, but calm voice. I tell you, it's very hard not to really shout!

Thankypu all for your replies. We have told dd today that her behaviour was not acceptable, and she will be punished. Her computer has been disabled, and she has lost a weeks pocket money.
With the therapy thing, we rang a parentline number we found on the net, and they wanted us to go to parenting classes, which I was not happy about as I really don't think we are doing anything wrong. Also as they are a government agency the last thing I want is social services etc getting involved, with this information sharing childrens index going on.

Hope it works - don't forget to keep us posted!

I find that removing treasures works very well for DD1(12).
She had a major paddy last night. Her telly was taken out of her room. Today she is sweetness and light, her telly went back!

Til next time!!

It's so hard. Good luck.xx

Well things have been better today, touch wood! We decided to get anew Christmas tree as the one we have is a bit battered and just doesn't look so nice anymore. So I waited until after school and me and dd and ds went to have a look, and we chose a real one (bloomin' needles are everywhere, even after someone told me to spray it with hairspray,lol)we haven't had a real one before. Anyway, we got a big one that must be at least 6ft tall, and dd was pleased because she helped choose it.
Had a little talk again this evening and I said her behaviour was out of order and she appeared to accept this. Lots of hugs and sorrys. So just for once a stress free day/evening.

Glad you all had a nice evening.

Oh that is nice. I think if you tell them how upset you are they get the idea that their behaviour also impacts on you. Glad your evening went well.