Young offenders

[jacksmumkelly]

Hi all,
My 18 year old son is currently serving 8 months in a young offenders institute. I blame myself and feel guilty. I also worry about him. I know he did wrong but i feel that he should not be in custody as it will make him worse. Any other mums going through the same?

So sorry to hear about your son. It must be very hard for you both

My DS 14 has been charged with vandalism and possession of cannabis in the last couple of weeks, so we are just entering the youth justice system. I'm still in shock and don't think I've quite taken it in yet. Have no idea what we are in for...

I worry things with escalate further with him, and am scared of him ending up in a young offenders institute in the future.

I also feel that it would make everything worse. When he is acting out, I feel more like phoning an ambulance than the police. I'd rather he'd be hospitalised.

On a brighter note. Young offenders institutions can be a constructive place for some youngsters. Sending you lots of supportive vibes, chances are your son will cope fine. Take good care of yourself though.

Hi Alvah,
Thank you so much for replying. I have only just seen your message as not been on here and have been very busy.
Hope things have improved for you and your son. When my son first got in to trouble with the police he was under 18 so he got quite a lot of help from the YOT. Im hoping that your son has had some positive intervention and has not been in any further trouble.
Like you I went through a hard time with my DS and did not know who to turn to and at one point during a heated argument (think it was over not giving him money he wanted) he ended up calling the police on himself.
He sarted hanging round with a group and they smoke weed. He was staying out all night. At that time It was so worried he would end up in prison and when he got sentenced I was in despair. Worrying about him in that place. Not being able to chat to him at any time and no one that I could talk to about him was the worst.
I hope that this will all make him learn and it is a blessing in disguise. I feel that he is just trying to fit in and survive in there so he is becoming part of the prison culture.
I am worried about his future now and what he will have to deal with when he comes out but trying to stay positive and hopeful.
Anyway, write and let me know how things are.
Take mate.

Dear Jacksmumkelly,
How is your son doing? And how are you?!

We are not so great right now...there's not been anymore involvement with the police as such, but I just found out that my son has been taking MDMA and acid over the last few months, as well as weed. I knew he was drinking and smoking weed when out with friends, but I really believed him when he promised he wouldn't touch other stuff.

On Saturday night I phoned him at half 11 to make sure he was on his way home. He could hardly speak. I picked him up and he was completely off his face on something. I have never seen him like this and it was the worst thing I have ever experienced.

He admitted he had taken MDMA and that it wasn't the first time.

I'm utterly heart broken and i fear for the next few years, for both of us.

I don't know what to do to stop him doing drugs.

Sending you and your son lots of love. I really hope he gets on alright in the YOI and that you manage to deal with the stress and worry

Hi Alvah,

My son was supposed to come out on 'home detention curfew' last week but got into a fight in there so will be coming out in June now. I was very upset at first but am now over the shock. He seems to be ok.

Sorry to hear about your son taking drugs. That must have been so scary for you to see him in that state. You must be worried sick.

My son went through a stage of doing class A drugs and started stealing from me and his grandparents. After he got in to debt and no one would give him any more money he had to stop hanging around with those friends.He did stop the harder drugs as far as i know but was still smoking weed.

I know a that a lot of kids go through this phase and grow out of it. It is worrying because your son is so young. Who is he getting the drugs from? Have you tried the tough approach, not giving him money or grounding him? Has he got dad about?

I know its hard but try not to worry too much. You clearly are a good mum and that is the most important thing. You are not going to let him down. You just have to be there for him and make sure he knows the risks and dangers.

Take care,
Kelly

Dear Kelly

So sorry to hear about your son's delayed curfew. You sound like you are managing very well.

I've tried the grounding and withdrawal of money earlier this year, calling in children's services etc. However he looked like he had pulled himself together, so they released us. Now I know he was just hiding what he was doing...I want to call someone again, but I'm scared at his reaction. When he I angry he just walks out, grounded or not, so I try and only put in place boundaries I can enforce. He has to be home half 11 on weekend and only ever one sleepover a weekend, with a friend I can check with his mum he was there. Sundays he stays in. He is sticking to these.

However last night he lied about where he was and stayed at a party all night. He knows he is in trouble and will therefore try and avoid me. He just gets angry and walks off when I try and speak to him. I get so upset.

I feel sick to my stomach. When I tighten the rules he goes berserk (I have just done his room up after he had smashed it all up). I'm scared to set him off again, as I don't know if I can take it again if he loses it. He's left his dad, and refuses to see him again. I'm on my own with him and his younger siblings. I can't tell my family as they would shun him, which wouldn't help. I am at breaking point.

Drug and alcohol team said the best thing I can do for him is to be there for him to talk to and to encourage safe use!! That feels so wrong in itself, as it is like I'm endorsing it.

I could live with the weed (even though that seemed like the end of the world a year ago). I don't feel like I can live with harder drugs. He's my little boy and it kills me to know he's out getting out of it. I'm not sure where the drugs are coming from, but it seems like a whole group of them have started using them, some as young as 12!!! And they are taking them a lot.

I'm so scared he will turn into a junkie.

Lots of love to you and your son.

Hello Alvah,
What a nightmare!!
Kids are such a worry. You are obviously trying your best. You shouldnt have to deal with this on your own. Maybe you should tell someone and expose what he is doing. It is not your fault. Drugs are out there and a lot of kids try them. A lot of kids drink alcohol too, which i think is worse.
I doubt he will turn in to a junkie. He is going through a phase. Experimenting. He will grow out of it. Drugs are not that great and he will eventually realize this. They make you feel awful when you come down from them apparently. Is he doing ok at school?
You sound like a really good mum and I'm sure he knows this. Just dont give up and try not to worry too much. You need to think about your own health too. He sounds angry. But he needs to realise you are the boss!
Stay strong and keep up the good work.
Take care and God bless.
Kelly.