Very shy teenage DS. Are tough love or kid gloves needed?

[MumofUltraShyDS]

My DS is 16. He is bright and does very well at school academically. He has always been shy and quiet, since he was a little boy. The shyness has become more of an issue as he’s progressed through secondary school and I am quite worried about the impact it might have on his future. He is usually the quietest person in a group and doesn’t like being the centre of attention. One of his teachers told him recently that if he doesn’t assert himself more and speak up then he won’t get anywhere in life, and that being bright and doing well in exams isn’t enough on its own. He needs to know how to make a good first impression on people and sell himself in job interviews. That is exactly the kind of thing that DS struggles with. He is ultra nervous about meeting people for the first time, introducing himself and making small talk with people he doesn’t know. A few years ago he stopped going to the barbers to get his hair cut. I’ve been doing it for him at home since. He stopped going because he hated having to talk to the hairdresser while having his hair cut. He’s also put off buying new shoes because he doesn’t want to go in and tell a member of staff what size of shoe he wants. He prefers going to shops that have self-service checkouts so he won’t have to talk to anyone when he wants to buy something. He also doesn’t like eating in public, so celebratory family meals have had to be cancelled.

Apart from that, he isn’t interested in most typical teenage boy or manly things. He doesn’t think he has much in common with the boys his age except for being a boy. He isn’t into drinking or partying, doesn’t play any sports and doesn’t go to the gym. He is short (only 5 foot 7) and has quite a small build, which he is very self conscious about. He likes being at home with me and DH, but thinks he’s too old now to go out anywhere with us. He has also been steadfast about not wanting to get a part time job because he doesn’t want to have to talk to members of the public. I recently read a thread in the higher education section from a mother who was concerned about her introverted DD not being able to cope with university and jobs. Another MNer replied saying that her DD should leave her door open in halls and talk to as many people as possible because making friends in fresher’s week is crucial. When I imagine DS at university, I can honestly see him hiding in his room with his door closed, locked and bolted, and struggling to make friends. I realise he won’t get anywhere if he does that. If he doesn’t go to uni then there isn’t much else out there that interests him. He has said he doesn’t want to take the apprenticeship or vocational route as they are mostly geared towards manly jobs like plumbers, electricians and builders. The types of men who do those jobs are usually strong, bold, macho and physically robust types. DS doesn’t tick any of those boxes. I keep hoping that he will come out of his shell. He will be 18 in a year and a bit. The clock is ticking and I'm worried that he isn't ready for the transition.

Not sure whether being tough would help or not... however although it's only a small thing you might not want to cut his hair for him because you are making it easy for him to decide to not go out. Anything that enables his avoidance is not really helping. I can see why you're worried. But what does he think? Is he worried about the future or about uni? Would he like to meet like minded people and have a social life? If he sees there is a problem and wants to change then I would go with him to your GP and ask about the possibility of a referral for some psychological help.
Interesting what you say about manly jobs... Are those his words? Do you think he has a problem about his identity as a boy/man that is holding him back?

I would seek professional help and advice for him. This sounds like social anxiety and he is unlikely to overcome it by himself. Tough love might make it worse.
As Majestic says, speak to the GP and google for local support/therapists or contact Youngminds

what is he interested in or good at outside school. Does he have any hobbies that he might share with others?

Thanks for the replies everyone. @Majestic Those were DS's words. I think he feels uncomfortable about not meeting society's expectations of manliness. I can understand what he means about plumbers and builders as the ones I've dealt with tend to be as he describes - rugged and tough. He doesn't appreciate that those are the types of jobs men are expected to do. He's a mummy's boy too and I wonder if it's my fault for wrapping him in cotton wool, metaphorically speaking. He still likes to snuggle up with me and likes watching shows like Bake Off and Gogglebox. He also loves animals.

He does have a lot of worries about the future about moving out, getting a job, getting a girlfriend and coping on his own. His hobbies are mostly things that he does on his own, so nothing group-centric. He likes reading books, listening to music and plays guitar. He's also got an Xbox but he doesn't play with other people online on it. When he was younger and in primary school, I used to arrange playdates with other kids from school, but it was usually only because I was friends with their mums. He's obviously too old for all that now. He's struggled to make friends of his own volition. I will see about going to the GP. I hope they have some suggestions that might help.

In addition to the other posts, think back to your DS's childhood and try this test
hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-child-test/
He might just need to adjust to being 'different' from the majority, but he'll still be in a large and healthy minority.
Although it's aimed at young children, you and he might benefit from reading the excellent book 'The Highly Sensitive Child' by Elaine Aron.

Whilst reading your thread this ad popped up - might be worth a look.

Also, if he loves animals; do you have an animal rescue/sanctuary he could volunteer at? The animals could act as an ice breaker or diversion when interacting with other animal lovers.

He sound really lovely btw. Not everyone is outgoing and confident and as he gets older he will grow in confidence and meet like minded people to be friends with. I am sure there are many quiet academic students at uni who get on just fine.

I hate it when teachers start on with speaking up in class and being assertive etc. They used to do it with dd at junior school all the time. Not everyone is an extrovert and if a person is shy then so be it.

Sorry haven't got much good advice. I am jealous as I want dd to snuggle up with me.

Hi. First of all, please accept my virtual hug. I have two sons, one at uni, while the other has just moved from a small school to a large community college for A levels. My first son was born with an innate ability to socialise. My youngest, on the other hand, fits the definition of introversion. It's been quite the journey to support two very different characters into (almost) adulthood!

I read your entire first post to my younger son who immediately recognised his own characteristics. He asks that I pass on some key moments of change that have had impact for him. He feels very strongly that when I gave him more responsibility, he rose to meet it. For us, that happened two years ago when I divorced and my eldest left for uni. My younger son was suddenly the man of the house, and I think that he quite liked helping solve often very practical problems for/with me. For example, I have arthritis, so my son really helped with things like moving house/organising the attic/wrangling power tools. He truly didn't 'do' very much, but on reflection he feels that solving problems was empowering.

Money was short, so he got a weekend job stacking shelves in a shop. He persevered, even though 'people' do his head in, because cash is a necessity! He lost his first job in a restaurant, and I can see why -- too much interaction with LOTS of different people was pretty tough. Stacking shelves on the other hand meant he could be helpful to the public, so stretch those social skills, without the pressure of 'serving' them, IYKWIM. Losing the first job was a real knock, but he survived. He's loved earning his own cash via the second job, and buying his own clothes etc, which has helped him fit in at college too.

My son suggests that your son be given real responsibility, where possible, for the normal everyday things that any functioning adult should manage -- no home hair cuts, or you choosing his shoes, for example. My son prefers to save up hated social chores and simply attack them one morning a month. That way he can emotionally gird his loins. LOL. He also says that school were very helpful. They recognised he was better at doing than socialising, and set him up for success by giving him responsibility behind the scenes. That's the kind of help that takes time, so perhaps talk to the teacher who expressed (somewhat thoughtless) concern. Perhaps they can work on an actual strategy with your boy rather than just voicing dire warnings!

Most of all, my son wants to pass on that he's far from typically manly, but he has a lovely girlfriend now who appreciates his quiet and gentle charm. University still worries me for my quiet boy, but not quite so much lately, and I truly hope you can get to a similar place too.

Hi OP I am so glad to see you have had some good and understanding answers on here, applause to Disco what a great post.

I'm another one with a very quiet DS (16yrs), he sounds very like your DS in some ways eg watching Bake Off with me! I don't think you want completely tough love or kid gloves, sort of somewhere in the middle. You have to keep in the back of your mind that at some stage he has to make his own way in the world. At the moment that seems like a big leap to make from where he is now, so I would suggest the best way is small steps, whatever they may be (as previous poster said some responsibility did the power of good). Could he help out in a voluntary capacity in a role that may not require him to speak a lot but may be a little? If you have any local charity shops they may be able to help you on this.

If he plays guitar would he be interested in any sort of music group eg a band at church?
Has the learning support ( or whatever it's called at his college) been able to help at all, chaplaincy, tutor, anyone for advice. I hope this tutor didn't knock his confidence with that comment, it should have been said in a constructive way. People cannot change an essentially quiet personality and they shouldn't be made to feel like there is anything wrong with them, the only problem is when it stands in the way of them wanting to do something, there's a big difference.

I'm sure it is worth seeing if there is any professional help out there too, there be lots of teens like this, at least if MN is anything to go by.
He sounds lovely by the way and not all girls/women like these macho men, just the opposite. Take care OP, will keep checking in.