Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

Original poster

15 year old dd having sex!!

17 replies

Buzzbuzz2345 · 15/10/2015 17:39

I just found out my daughter (15) is having sex with her boyfriend (17). They have been going out for 9 months. I found a condom packet opened on her bedroom floor this morning. I have no idea how to approach this subject or talk to her about sex. A few days ago she also asked me if the boyfriend can sleep round after a party they will be attending together my instinct is to say no! What would other mums do in my situation? Thanks x

OP posts:

Iwantakitchen · 15/10/2015 17:42

Have you ever spoken to her about sex? Just approach it casually and open up to her, say things as they are, and make sure she is having protected sex. 15 is young, but if she is old enough to have sex she is old enough to talk about it with her mum.

blibblobblub · 15/10/2015 17:51

I think you do need to bite the bullet and discuss it with her. Be prepared for her to be defensive and embarrassed, but it's worth checking that she is having safe sex and that she knows where she can get advice/testing if needed.

As for her bf staying over, if you don't want him to you don't have to! My mum never let my teenage bf (now DH) stay over, though she left me stay at his, which I never really understood...

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 15/10/2015 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpanglesGalloway · 15/10/2015 19:00

Is she in a relationship where he loves and respects her? If yes then sex, although she's only 15, isn't something to be concerned at although I'm sure others will say that's not the case...honest conversation about safe sex consent respect etc. You don't need to say I found a condom wrapper...just that you know they've been a couple a while and that's how things go! But about staying over..my DH (boyfriend at 18!!) Was not allowed to sleep in the same room as me until engaged!!!!

Fluffyears · 21/10/2015 19:51

They've been together 9 months so that means they seem quite stable. I'd let her know she can come to you anytime as you don't want her hiding things or not able to confide in you if she has any problems. It's hard to realise she's growing up but she is.

Madratlady · 21/10/2015 20:05

It's up to you whether you are ok with the boyfriend staying over, but beyond that she's likely practicing safe sex if you've found condoms, and she's been with her boyfriend a while, I'd suggest discussing safe sex with her, see if there are free condom schemes in your area and see if she wants longer term contraception (pill, implant whatever), although that's her choice at the end of the day, you can offer to go with her if she wants and be available if she has any questions. 15 is young but hardly unusual (when is she 16?), much better to be approachable than 'put your foot down' and make her feel unable to come to you if she needed to imo.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 21/10/2015 20:09

I think I'd say no to having the bf stay over openly in her room. He can sleep on the sofa. If they corridor creep I'd turn s blind eye unless really obvious. Does she have younger siblings in the hkuse?

Other than that keep the lines of communication so she can talk to you about anything - anything - at all. Let her know, that you know.

SouthWestmom · 21/10/2015 20:17

Well I discovered DS was sleeping with her boyfriend after a month (16) and it's been a bloody learning curve. I don't allow him to sleepover and won't be. I don't actually approve and I don't feel I should facilitate it.

TuTru · 21/10/2015 20:43

I will always say no to gf or bf staying over. No matter what age they get to.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 21/10/2015 20:49

Really Tu? 18? 20? 21? I don't think you'll be seeing much of your dc in the future.

lljkk · 22/10/2015 09:39

You won't want to see much of your grandchildren, then, tuTru?

I couldn't facilitate it for an under 16 (or maybe under 18, not had this problem to decide yet!), but I think I wouldn't come down heavy against. I would actively thank her for using condoms & ask her about safety aspects.

lavazzzalover · 31/10/2015 22:31

1st thing is bang on is the fact she is underage and he is breaking the law!

specialsubject · 01/11/2015 14:48

well, at least they are trying with the condoms.

time for a necessary talk - is she on the pill as well? Do they use a condom every time? Is she happy to have sex?

grown up games, grown up choices. Make sure she's making the right choices.

up to you if you want to allow it in your house - entirely your call. Many here won't have been allowed to share a room at their parents' house until marriage, we coped.

Helenluvsrob · 01/11/2015 21:10

I'll give you my favourite opener for tricky conversations - and my favourite venue ...

Venue: In the car when you are both alone,there is no eye contact needed and you have to keep your cool as you are driving.

The opener is " I read on mums net that " and probably something like " someone's teenage daughter was having sex and mum was worried she wasn't able to make sure she was really in control and giving consent that she was really happy this was what she wanted and mum didn't know what to do. It wouldn't surprise me if you and boyf were at least thinking about sex - you've been together how long now..?"

just wanted to make sure you knew you could talk about anything you wanted to me ......that you were sure you were happy with things.....sure you were protected against infections and pregnancy .....etc etc probably ending with a positively worded " it's your life, you are in charge , but you re also only just learning to be a grown up, so if got any reason you want me to be a " heavy parent" I can do that too if it helps - I can forbid you to do things , but I will try not to unless I think you are behaving in a way that is unsafe and you maybe haven't thought about the risks ...

I do a lot of " I read on mumsnet " conversations - sometimes light hearted about baby names / Xmas present madness etc . Sometimes exploring what advice they'd give ( which is always a great convo) eg for school matters / bullying or the tricksy stuff.

Helenluvsrob · 01/11/2015 21:13

I honestly don't think any reference to age/ legality is really relevant and will simply stop her telling you or make her sneak around having sex in bus shelters. Assuming she's a NT 15 and he really is 17 not 27 and pretending, and there is real consent, the police won't have any dealings with this

scatterthenuns · 02/11/2015 16:21

I started having sex at 15. Nothing ill has come to me as a result, just a healthy enjoyment of the activity. I had the best time in that relationship.

Just firm boundaries, and ensuring she is taking all the right contraceptives.

My boyfriend wasn't allowed to stay over until 16. Then, until 18, we slept in separate beds. I snuck into his room in the night mind, but the boundary was there and I appreciated it.

All is not lost. Freaking out/telling her off will ruin your relationship.

Socialaddict · 03/11/2015 13:54

I think I would be completely honest with her and tell her I saw the condoms on the floor and have an adult discussion about contraceptives and what one pregnancy at this age would do to her. Get her to see the programme "16 and pregnant" or there is a film called "15 and pregnant", which is a good eye opener to what her life will be after a baby. I have a DD same age and watch them occasionally with her just as a preventive measure. I would definitely not allow the sleeping over at yours though, as this would mean you are consenting to what they are doing. Good luck, it is tough with daughters this age.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread