Apparently its me being unreasonable

[sillygiraffe]

Dd16 is like a lodger in our house. She spends as little time as possible here, usually going out straight after college and coming in later, having some food and then going to her room. She thinks this is perfectly OK and its me who has the problem. If I dare to bring the subject up it ends up in a row where I get accused of not trusting her and treating her like a baby.
She thinks I am prying all the time when I ask about friends and what's going on so I try not to but I want to know what's going on in her life.
She has said she hates living here and is moving out when she is 18. This all stems from her previously being given boundaries and the resulting rows. That is so hurtful to hear but quite frankly I am looking forward to it! I hate to admit it but she intimidates me a bit so although I am not a total pushover, I do tend to tiptoe around her to make things more comfortable at home. Then go and have a secret cry when she upsets me again.
I know there are people around who are dealing with a lot more than this, and I apologise if you think I am stressing about nothing but what do I do? Should I just totally back off and leave her be?

George the second we just don't eat together. Dd is never in at mealtimes. She just eats when she gets in and no I can't insist that she is in for meals. She just won't do it . Because of work etc we tend to have odd eating times anyway.
Hudson as I said I have written letters/texts. It was the only way to communicate without getting into a blazing row each time. I thought it did help at the time. When you are desperate to sort things out you will try anything, whether its right or not is anither thing.
Unfortunately dd does not respond well to sanctions in that it makes no difference so all the getting tough advice, although appreciated, just will not work with her.
I am grateful for all suggestions. It makes all the difference to hear that I am not the only one with these issues.

Am I just being overly sensitive. Example. Dd came in about 9.30 (no probs with that although she went out straight from college at 4.30), went straight up to her room without saying anything and I followed her up to say hello etc. She asked about food, came into kitchen and then went to bed. I haven't spoken to her since and it will probably be the same again tonight and has been mostly like this for the past few weeks. She will text me and say I'm out with everyone, be back later

In my head its outrageous! Is this really as bad as I think it is? Dh is not concerned. Says she will grow out of it but it bothers me. I know its not a "real" problem but still. Is it just her doing this?

SillyGiraffe, what do you want her to do? Who do you want her to be?

She likes to be alone in her room, what do you want her to do instead?

She is being very normal, it's you who isn't. STop the long letters and texts. She's not your friend, she is a sixteen year old girl who is behaving in a developmentally appropriate way. Do you wnat her to regress and come and sit on your knee and bake cakes with you again?

Hmm, I think I'd leave for the letters / sort of chats which she views as intrusive for a while, like other posters have said & try and bond over something she likes.

Are there any TV series she likes? Books? I watched a lot of stuff with my mother around that age. (Lives and Loves Of a She Devil, as I remember)

Would she like to have friends over?

A good start might be asking her what she would like for Christmas- see what she likes.

Have you any ancient clothes she might like to go through ( I was in love with a dress from the 1940s from my gran at that age), or music collections or books & magazines.

Also arranging lifts would mean you get to know more of her movements.

I want her to be at home a few nights a week. I don't mind if she's in her room and I don't expect her to be hanging out with me but being out every single night bothers me. She is at college and has work to do.

I am not sending her letters and long texts all the time. I've done one letter a while back and that was when things were really difficult and one long text which was in fact a reply to a long text from her

I seem to be defending myself here. I don't know what to say.

It sounds as though she is making you very sad. And I'm so sorry to hear it. But I'm not sure I understand why, or why your husband and you have such different views. Teenagers can be tough

You have no need to be defensive OP but, from remembering what it was like being a teenager, I don't think you are really 'selling' staying in very well. She might think she is getting by with her studies and why on earth should she stay at home.

If you can put being on her case on hold for a little while, even just emotionally in your own head, it may help. I think kids can sniff out adult's concern sometimes and do what they can to avoid any confrontation, if they can.

I apologise in advance if I've got the wrong end of the stick with regards to your situation with your DD but I thought this might be worth considering.

Focusing on fun things, Christmas presents or whatever she may like, might just take the pressure out of the situation.

We do meals together too.
Have you asked her if there is something she would like to do with the family?
We have been to a few movies with dd16 and her bff - they aren't movies we would have chosen, but we tried to think of something to do as a family and invite her friend and do something they'd like.
We also went out for a meal with her bff and her parents, who turned out to be really fun and both families including siblings really enjoyed it.
So maybe in return for a bit of grown up behaviour and engagement, she gets to choose something she'd actually like to do with you all?
*disclaimer - dd16 did not choose these activities, we did, and she might not actually agree to having enjoyed them, but she did ;)

I too did the odd letter when my DD was 15/16. I do think it helped in some ways. I don't know if this will help in your situation but when DD got to 17/18 she started going out and was very vague about where she was going and who with. We had many a row about it.

Its only myself and DD in our house and one evening when she was out - didnt know where or who with - I decided to go out to a friends and deliberately stopped out until 2am and did not reply to her "where are you" texts. She had got in about midnight and had panicked that I wasn't home or answering her and was really upset thinking something might have happened to me. It probably was cruel of me to do this to her but when I then pointed out to her that I worry when I don't know where she is, she suddenly saw it from my point of view.

Since then she has been more open about her whereabouts. There have been a couple of occasions where she did not want to say where she was going (I think this was due to her meeting up with someone I don't like) so we have come to the compromise that she will write down where she is going and who with and put it in an envelope. On the envelope she will write down the latest time she will be home. If she is not back by this time or she hasn't contacted me to change it, then I have her permission to open the envelope. We have had no need to do this so far but it does give me peace of mind and we have learnt to trust each other - her to tell the truth on the paper and me not to open it unless necessary.

I too did the odd letter when my DD was 15/16. I do think it helped in some ways. I don't know if this will help in your situation but when DD got to 17/18 she started going out and was very vague about where she was going and who with. We had many a row about it.

Its only myself and DD in our house and one evening when she was out - didnt know where or who with - I decided to go out to a friends and deliberately stopped out until 2am and did not reply to her "where are you" texts. She had got in about midnight and had panicked that I wasn't home or answering her and was really upset thinking something might have happened to me. It probably was cruel of me to do this to her but when I then pointed out to her that I worry when I don't know where she is, she suddenly saw it from my point of view.

Since then she has been more open about her whereabouts. There have been a couple of occasions where she did not want to say where she was going (I think this was due to her meeting up with someone I don't like) so we have come to the compromise that she will write down where she is going and who with and put it in an envelope. On the envelope she will write down the latest time she will be home. If she is not back by this time or she hasn't contacted me to change it, then I have her permission to open the envelope. We have had no need to do this so far but it does give me peace of mind and we have learnt to trust each other - her to tell the truth on the paper and me not to open it unless necessary.

I told my daughter when she was at that age, that I didn't care where she was but I needed to know because then I wouldn't worry. Plus if she was murdered the police would need to know where to start looking.
She does tell me 99% of the time where she is now. Other than that I've not been successful in enforcing any other rules though.

One thing that stand out for me is the fact that she doesn't seem to say hello to you/peoe in the house when she comes in and you have to follow her to be able to deal with her.
I wouldn't go and run after her. If she was a partner, it would make you feel desperate, which I suppose is where you are at the moment (:(). So don't rush after her but you might insist on her saying hello because well it's just a polite thing to do!