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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Mixed sleepovers and generally staying at houses of the opposite sex

22 replies

cartey · 06/10/2015 13:01

Hello, I would like to get an idea what do people think about mixed sleepovers and generally sleeping over at houses of opposite sex teens. I have a 15 yr old DD who was invited on two occasions to stay over at a 15yr old boy's house. IMHO this is inappropriate at this age and I politely refused both times, but if it happens again, what do I do? I do not want to appear rude or to lie to the parents. Do I just tell the truth that I do not agree with this or what? She has never been to a mixed sleepover and will not be going to one. AIBU and overprotective? Please help!

OP posts:

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 06/10/2015 13:07

Ooh interesting, my DS aged 15 is planning a mixed sleepover at our house in half term. I was planning on them to use the sitting room and send Dh to waft around occasionally. I'm expecting them to sit up all night chatting.

It'll be interesting to see how people respond OP.

Whatevva · 06/10/2015 13:11

My son was invited to a mixed sleepover by someone he met at the local orchestra group at 15 and we didn't let him. We did not know any one concerned. He has never been the most communicative of sons.

Later, he did it anyway and was of an age where we could not stop him so we had to let him. It turned out to be group of friends who had done mixed sleepovers from being very young. The girl was his girlfriend until he was 21 and dumped him. It turned out fine and probably good for his social skills (except for the dumping, but I can't blame her).

I would find out all you can about it, make sure she knows everything she possibly can about sex, contraception, coercion, and any other life skills needed in this sort of situation. She will need them soon if she goes to university or work and you won't be on hand to help.

Dachshund · 06/10/2015 13:13

I used to sleep over at my best boy friend's house in my teenage years, but it was a different situation as he was clearly gay! He didn't come out until college but my mum never had any concerns, let's put it that way

Sparklingbrook · 06/10/2015 13:17

You know you own teenagers. You know likely what your teenagers would be wanting to do at a mixed sleepover.

I wouldn't have a problem personally. I think the all night chatting scenario is most likely.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 06/10/2015 13:22

To add, my DS is part of a mixed friendship group, and he has been to a couple of the girls' houses for sleepovers. But I've never hosted one.

scatterthenuns · 06/10/2015 13:25

Depends on the specific friendship involved.

You can probably tell if he's just a mate-mate, or if something more could happen.

And also of course if it is a group sleepover or a one-on-one.

Original poster

cartey · 06/10/2015 13:40

thank you all
Scatter - I think this is not a mate-mate relationship (more like a beginning of a romantic one). And it is a one-on-one. I do not think that anything will actually happen, I am more concerned if it is seen as appropriate for a girl and boy this age to be sleeping at each other's houses. I have heard some horror stories where they have an argument and then one side spreads rumours about the other etc. Maybe I am just too overprotective but I feel that this is looking for trouble, particularly as they are not officially a couple.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 06/10/2015 13:47

Personally I wouldn't be happy about a one on one sleepover. But a big group.... Maybe. The thing is with this age group is if you say no they are likely to lie and do it anyway. They'll just say it's all girls for example. So I think it's better to go with it and keep communication open but I'd say no to a boyfriend sleeping over type thing. I wouldn't want to be seen to encourage under age sex.

Original poster

cartey · 06/10/2015 13:55

I completely agree Fairylea. This is exactly how I feel too.

OP posts:

Sadik · 06/10/2015 14:12

I've only got a 13 y/o, but a lot of her friends are older. Rule in this house is big group mixed sleepovers fine for special occasions like birthdays, individual sleepovers (whether boy or girl) they sleep in separate rooms, so friend on the sofabed downstairs.

scatterthenuns · 06/10/2015 14:28

In your case OP, I'd say no.

One-on-one with a potential boyfriend is too risky (emotions, fall out, rumours-wise rather than sex, they'll do that regardless of what you do if they decide to do it).

Original poster

cartey · 06/10/2015 14:58

Scatter - completely agree, thanks for the advice!
All of you confirmed that my concerns are quite valid, there will be no one on one sleepovers allowed for now.

OP posts:

BrandNewAndImproved · 06/10/2015 15:01

My best friend growing up was a boy. He was never allowed to sleep over and I was never allowed to sleep over his. A bloody stupid rule imo. You either trust your child or you don't. I was shagging my boyfriend in the field but couldn't sleep over my best friends who I had no intention of shagging.

Whatevva · 06/10/2015 15:34

With DS, we said no to girlfriend staying over at 16 (had younger siblings). He just went over to hers and didn't tell me it was only him.

No idea if they ever slept together.

Original poster

cartey · 06/10/2015 16:00

Whatevva - LOL that is funny! I think I'll cross that bridge when my DD becomes 16. For the moment, I think the answer will still be a no :)

OP posts:

IfIToldYouIdHavetoKillYou · 06/10/2015 17:30

It's very usual round here from around 13 to have big groups of mixed sleepovers, often in tents. We are quite rural and they often live in different villages. Really not much different than single sex sleepovers.
In my case I was more concerned as they got older than 13 and formed boy / girl relationships. Once he had a regular GF (age 15) I stopped allowing DS to go.

Fleurdelise · 07/10/2015 11:22

Ds 14 yo had had a lot of mixed sleepovers and I had the same doubts as you. But every time I have spoken to the parents in charge and I felt happy that there is a group of them in the same room and I do believe it was a matter of staying up all night chatting and watching movies.

It seems to be a tradition around here that after a party a group of them head off to someone's house and have a group sleepover.

One to one no. I would not be happy with this.

JustDanceAddict · 07/10/2015 16:18

I had mixed sleepovers at that age - there used to be a lot of 'getting off'!! Everyone on floor in sleeping bags in lounge. Never one-on-one at that age.

IHaveBrilloHair · 07/10/2015 16:22

My dd does, but her friend is gay!

bellendoftheball · 07/10/2015 18:52

I'd say no. I had a mixed sleepover at that age and it definitely wasn't just movies and chatting! I work with teenagers and parents and generally the parents are pretty naive about what their teens do when they're not around. It's probably true that if they're determined to have sex they'll find a way, but it actually means a lot to them to know that you have boundaries which are intended to protect them - even if they decide to find a way round them!

Original poster

cartey · 13/10/2015 19:16

Belle- so true! Thank you all, you have been really helpful!

OP posts:

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 14/10/2015 09:39

Show them a meat cleaver. Worked for me. Eventually it settled down to gay men/straight women in one room and vice versa, or no mixed couples.

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