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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

If you suspect alcohol will be at a party

25 replies

baday · 01/12/2006 11:07

but you only know because you have seen msn conversations, what would you do?

Feel incredibly guilty for looking but dd is 14.
Do i stop her going or just have a talk about alcohol in general. She is sleeping over so i won't see what she is like till next day.

OP posts:

Piffle · 01/12/2006 11:15

Oh jaysus toughie...
I did tell ds (he is nearly 13) that we record all his MSN, not to spy but if we are worried about him in any way we reserve the right to check on his records.
this or no MSN.
But are the parents going to be there?
Ring ahead and talk to them, explaining your worries - they should understand too about the whole secrecy issue perhaps?

bluejelly · 01/12/2006 11:18

I got drunk when I was 14 at parties. I was sick, foolish but ultimately it did me no harm.
Why don't you just talk to your dd about alcohol?

expatinscotland · 01/12/2006 11:19

I would expect probably, rather than suspect. Mainly b/c I got drunk at parties when I was 14.

I'd have a chat w/her.

christmosschops30 · 01/12/2006 11:20

ooh i loved those parties at peoples houses who were lucky enough to have parents that trusted them, then everyone piled over for a massive party, trashed the house, drank their own body weight in diamond white

sorry am I not helping

i would talk to your dd about the dangers of excessive alcohol, lack of inhibitions, poisoning, the fact that she'll feel like shit etc.

SchneeBallFight · 01/12/2006 11:23

I wouldn't let her stay over - no way.

JessaJam · 01/12/2006 11:29

I would talk to her about alcohol.

There was alcohol at parties when I was 14, parties I stayed over at, parties with boys and girls...

I didn't get drunk ( god, it tasted foul!!) but my friends did, I was the sober one scooting about after them!!

If you 'ban' her, it will only increase the lure of drink...

WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 01/12/2006 11:30

I wouldn't let her stay over at 14 when you know there is going to be alcohol. Is it just a girls sleepover?

Original poster

baday · 01/12/2006 11:33

Thank you for such quick replies.
Will talk to her in general about it as i know she can come across it anytime, but just hope and pray she is sensible and does not give in to peer pressure.

Will tell her stories of me being sick after drinking (she has a phobia of vomiting)

Will have to think some more about her sleeping over.

Feeling sh*t at the moment because i don't like snooping and i personally find it hard being the parent of a teenager.

OP posts:

MascaraOHaraIncredibleSheHulk · 01/12/2006 11:35

there was gaurenteed alcohol at parties when we were 14, everyone got drunk and threw up.. most slept together (sorry probably not what you want to hear) but that's the way it is mostly (imvho)

What I can say was that my dad was brilliant (unlike my mother who just used to tut disapporvingly) he had a really candid talk to me one night about what he used to get up to, it really lured me into opening up) told me what he thought was acceptible and what wasn't gave me (what I thought were) reasonable boundaries (and still do to this day) I grew out of drink and fags pretyt quickly and I kind of put that down to his talk.. I knew what the boundaries were and the consequences on crossing them. I eve (sad I know) boasted to my friend about what he'd said and how cool he was.. all my mates thought he was sooo cool as well. It's something that has really stuck in my mind and it gave me so much respect for him.. I can't recommend enough a talk like that but think long and hard about how you present yourself and what you want to achieve from the talk. I'm sure looking back on that talk now that my father bided his time and thought long and hard about the approach he took. I still think he is wonderful

Original poster

baday · 01/12/2006 11:37

Will be boys at the party. That's the problem JessaJam, alcohol in my day tasted foul, now with bacardi breezers everyone can drink them!

Thanks.

OP posts:

WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 01/12/2006 11:38

Am quite surprised by how liberal you all are. I'm not saying you're wrong, but at 14, girls are very vulnerable, especially where alcohol is involved.

Is it really normal to have mixed sex sleepovers at 14 where alcohol is involved?

bluejelly · 01/12/2006 11:38

I remember getting horribly drunk on ouzo when I was about 14. I was really sick
Never been able to touch the stuff again!

A serious chat about mixing drinks might be useful, mind you sometimes you just have to experience these things for yourself!

expatinscotland · 01/12/2006 11:41

I plan on being open w/my daughters, too, Mascara.

Why?

B/c I don't feel right setting one set of rules for them to live by when I chose another. Seems hypocritical of me.

I want to know where they are, mostly.

That was alwyas my mum's line of thinking. She grew up in the 50s when things were pretty strict.

But she mentioned that all the girls she knew sneaked around. Therefore, b/c they couldn't be honest w/their parents, their parents had no idea where their daughters were, and she never wanted that to happen.

We ALWAYS knew we could count on them, we could phone them ANY time of the day or night and they'd come and pick us up, no questions asked.

There were several times we did. We went out w/a group and the one w/the car was too drunk to drive. We could say, 'Don't worry, my dad will come get us all and take us home.'

Safer than winding up a road accident statistic.

Original poster

baday · 01/12/2006 11:41

Mascara - your dad sounds wonderful

Santa - boys will not be sleeping over!!

OP posts:

Piffle · 01/12/2006 11:43

ok so parental supervision is happening or not?

Original poster

baday · 01/12/2006 11:45

Well, i have been told the parents will be there.

OP posts:

hulababy · 01/12/2006 11:46

I also had alcohol at parties at that age. The 14yo I knew didn't do th sleeping with each other though!

I think the talk about drinking and alcohol is the way forward.

I am dreading DD growing up!

Piffle · 01/12/2006 11:47

did the kids tell you that
AS soon as my parents went off one weekend, I help a party I was about 15
Everyoen told their parents that mine were there
Not one parent checked
I'd check and talk to parents.
then you can relax a bit

WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 01/12/2006 11:48

Aha baday- big difference! Having said that, I think that 14 is a bit young for sleepover parties. Are the parents going to be around overnight?

I suppose everyone experiments at some stage. If I were happy that her friends were quite sensible then I would feel more reassured about the whole situation. I don't think it is hypocritical - she is much younger and still a minor.

It is true that if you stifle them too much they will just stop telling you things, but on the other hand, do you set boundaries or just let them do whatever they want?

snowydelight · 01/12/2006 14:58

I wouldn't be happy with a mixed sleepover at that age TBH, and adding alcohol into the equation just seems like a receipe for trouble. Surely there will be parents around, if not visible? - 14 is still pretty young. No parents should be condoning alcohol at a party for this age group - they would have no right to make that decision for other people's children without checking it out with ALL parents first. Under the circumstances I think I would let your daughter go to the party, but not have her sleepover. Re. the perceived "invasion of privacy" by reading her MSN - DS1 (13) has a computer in his room and we have told him that the condition is that he agrees to us monitoring his computer use, including checking the history and reading any conversations, at all times if we want to. Obviously as he gets older this will change (and we've never actually done it so far), but for now he's a kid and it's our job to protect him.

mumeeee · 01/12/2006 19:49

I wouldn't let my 14 year old go to a mixed sleepover especially if there alcohol likely to be involved. In fact even my 16 year old going to be 17 doesn't go to mixed sleepovers.

Original poster

baday · 02/12/2006 09:25

Not mixed, only my dd and another one sleeping over

OP posts:

WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 02/12/2006 13:18

Do you know the parents quite well, because remembering back to being younger, different parents have very different views on what is okay for their children? Some 14 year olds are treated like mini adults in the sense that they are allowed to do more or less what they like. Others are more strict.

colditz · 02/12/2006 13:26

If you don't want her to go to that party, don't let her go anywhere that evening because that is where she will go, regardless of whatever promises or checks are made. She will go. YOu will need to keep her in to stop her going.

Speaking as a woman who was living 14 only 12 years ago. I was never allowed to go to parties or mixed sleepovers, but |I used to not tell my mum about the party,. arrange to stay at friend-with-liberal-mum's house, and go anyway. I'm surprised I didn't get pregnanty to be honest.

Yet oddly, my sister has done as she pleased since she was 14. But she mainly stays in, and although now at nearly 17 she isn't a virgin, she was until recently. Odd that, same parents and everything.

I remember I felt that as my parents didn't trust me anyway, I could lie to them without guilt.

serenitynightholynight · 02/12/2006 13:34

Just been chatting to DH about this - he'd want to talk to the parents, firstly to check if they are going to be there, and secondly to find out what their thinking is behind allowing alcohol. What kind of alcohol will it be? Alcopops too easy to drink at that age imo, and any kind of spirits not a chance. Do the parents actually know there will be drinks? It could be something the kids are arranging between themselves. First party I went to (at 13 iirc) the parents agreed to stay upstairs, and the bottles appeared when they went

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