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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Family meals and teenagers

19 replies

Binskyloo · 29/09/2015 17:38

We have a house rule that we have at least one meal as a family at the weekend. We can't have them on a weekday as my husband works away from home. My teenager (16) finds them unnecessary and didn't turn up last weekend anyway. Should I continue to insist on the meals or tell him to rejoin us when he wants to? Would welcome opinions!

OP posts:

ChocolateJam · 29/09/2015 18:04

I think that depends on how often you do other things together as a family. As long as there is some opportunity for you to connect you don't all have to sit and eat together. At 16 it is appropriate for him to start asserting his independence.

Original poster

Binskyloo · 29/09/2015 18:21

He is at his girlfriend's house and out socialising a lot at the weekend and mealtimes are the only real chance for him to communicate with his father as he is only here at the weekend.

OP posts:

Hassled · 29/09/2015 18:23

By the time they're 16 you can't really "insist" on anything. What you can do is sit him down, point out how important it is to you and how little he'll get to see of his Dad otherwise, and hope that sense will prevail. If he doesn't realise it's a big deal to you he won't treat it as one - explain to him why.

Original poster

Binskyloo · 29/09/2015 18:49

I will ask him to suggest a different way of how to spend time together if meals are so bad for him

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BackforGood · 29/09/2015 23:07

I think your last post makes you sound like a petulant child, tbh!

I mean, you might not be ? I might just be the style of your writing, but maybe the "summons" of coming to this 'family meal to be endured' comes across a bit like this too?

I've always found you get a better response if you engage them in the decision, rather than dictating it. So maybe try "I know it's difficult with Dad being away all week, but I'd like there to be some time when we can all spend some time together - my suggestions are.....X,Y,Z (might be all watch a film together on the Friday night or all get a takeaway or all go to the football together on a Saturday afternoon or all have Sunday dinner round at Grans)..... but I'm open to listening to anyone else's suggestion if anyone can think of anything that will work better."

See what they come up with.

Or, if it's communicating with his Dad that is important, then why doesn't he Skyp / Facetime him while he's away? Whatapp him ? Phone him ?

Do they share any interests? Can they 'bond' over a hobby?

TheBunnyOfDoom · 30/09/2015 08:56

If he doesn't want to, you can't really force him to be there. If he wanted to spend time at home, he would.

sillygiraffe · 30/09/2015 16:32

We don't have family meals together at all any more. Had a difficult year with dd and she would rather be out with her friends than spending time with us. Long story! So she eats when she gets in. Its sad but that's the way it is at the moment - no family time at all really
If ds wants to spend time with his dad then maybe he can suggest something himself. He probably sees weekends as a time for going out and enjoying himself and sadly time with parents might seem a bit boring.
I would like just one family meal a week here as well.

pilates · 30/09/2015 16:49

Could you not invite your DS' girlfriend for a Sunday lunch/dinner occasionly?

Original poster

Binskyloo · 01/10/2015 07:21

Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:

patterkiller · 01/10/2015 07:29

Try a family brunch/breakfast.

Penfold007 · 01/10/2015 07:33

May your DS thinks his dad opts out of the family in the week so why should he make an effort at weekends. Invite the GF to lunch and see how that goes. Realistically at 16 he has a life of his own.

Seriouslyffs · 01/10/2015 07:35

At 16 'not turning up' is not an option. At that age my DCS were/ are still being given permission to go out. Options to manage this: invite GF/ DS chooses meal/ DS and DH cook meal together or go and pick it up.
It's worth persevering with.

Floralnomad · 01/10/2015 07:39

I see little point in having a family meal if the family in question is present under duress .

Seriouslyffs · 01/10/2015 07:40

And it doesn't have to be 'sat around the dining room table in Victorian silence' there's aomething really intimidating for teenagers about that set up- we probably do it once a fortnight if that. The other 'family all together meals' 3/4 times a week are on laps in front of TV, raclette or fondu, barbecue, brunch at breakfast bar with DCs making pancakes/ take aways and meals out.

Seriouslyffs · 01/10/2015 07:44

Another thought: if DH works away can you have family group texts? We're the same and the family group text has dozens of texts a day, from 'who's in, I've forgotten my key' to 'buy milk/ can we have a Chinese/ there's no dog food/ train delayed / I got an A/ can anyone bring my trainers to school/ look at this cat meme'

AuntieStella · 01/10/2015 07:44

Once they're teens, they are planning their own social lives at the weekends. So it's harder to 'insist' on family routines that they do not value.

So a I think the idea of inviting their friends too is a good one - aiming for a happy pile of people round your table. But if you want it to be immediate family only, then you'll have to think about a different meal (big cooked breakfast) or if there is any way your DH can get back a bit earlier say on Fridays and do it then.

SortedForCheeseAndFizz · 01/10/2015 07:45

Your post took me back. My mother was still insisting I eat with my parents when I was 19 and out at work and there were no underlying reasons at all. It used to drive me nuts.

My teens are 16 and 14. I prefer us to eat together and we still usually do, but I don't want to turn it in to a major headache. All I really ask is that as long as they tell me first and don't just leave me cooking food that's not going to get eaten, and def have other arrangements to eat, then I'm ok.

A weekend offers freedom from the restrictions of the week. When you're 16 that time is going to be precious. If your ds wants to be with his friends then I'd leave him to it. I'd rather that than have someone trundling home under duress who'd rather be elsewhere.

PennyHasNoSurname · 01/10/2015 08:25

Is he normally home on a Sunday evening? If so, maybe all sit together with a takeaway and a mutually agreed movie/tv series. Even if it happens later than the usual dinner time.

Original poster

Binskyloo · 01/10/2015 13:21

Two firsts for me this week. Number one was posting something on mumsnet - it helped to hear other points of view.
Number two was talking to a therapist about whole family situation - meals being just the tip of the iceberg. Loads of other stuff going on, too. Almost backed out of the therapist's session but so glad I didn't. It has steered me away from going completely mad!

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