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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

My ds is a clam and it's making me crazy!

20 replies

TowerRavenSeven · 19/09/2015 14:56

Ds, 13.5 has always been 'a clam' as in tight lipped, from day one with my dh and myself. Even when he was very young, he'd sit and look out the window ('watching nature') or after nursery he'd sit in his car seat and just look out the window, very little conversation.

Don't get me wrong - he 'can' speak and does...but not very much 'conversation wise', very one worded answers, etc. He has confided in us in the past, but very rarely. When I wanted to find out what was going on in school (he is very well liked, is not bullied and never was, yes, for sure) I would ask one of my friend's girls and she would tell me more in 10 minutes than ds would tell me in a school year about what was going on.

He has friends at school, and a few really close friends and when they get together he does blab (especially if he has a rare soda with caffeine!). In fact, he likes to be the class clown, so he's not antisocial!

Now that he's 13.5, I can see the high school years coming and, I hate to say it, but I hardly know my own son! He's very private with information, would never tell me if he liked a girl (he as much told us so), and I've tried, and am exhausted by trying to ask open-ended questions. It has been an exhausting 13 years trying to carry on a conversation with this boy (but like I said he will talk to friends). He's very analytical, and very no-nonsense. He's our only child, and I see the years draining away and I'm afraid he's going to be at University and I'm hardly going to know my own son.

Please tell me I'm not alone in this. If he is very, very excited about something he will carry on a conversation - unfortunately he's Very technical and I'm not at all. I have five short years until he's off at University, if I hardly know him now, are these years just going to fly by and I will not really 'know' him? Thanks for listening to my very long post.

OP posts:
Saltedcaramel4 · 19/09/2015 15:01
  1. find a hobby you can do together. Catan, cycling, cinema etc. The conversation will flow more naturally if you have a shared interest and don't put him on the spot by quizzing him

  2. do you open up to him? Have you told him about your experiences?

Saltedcaramel4 · 19/09/2015 15:02

Also do you have fun together? Do you have a laugh?

Does he do chores with you? Cooking, weeding etc?

Saltedcaramel4 · 19/09/2015 15:03

When you say he is technical, is he zoned out with various screens?

TowerRavenSeven · 19/09/2015 15:07

Thank you Saltedcaramel4 for. That is a good suggestion, we'll just have to find something we equally enjoy (Does Coronation Street count?! He's addicted to Coronation Street and Downton Abbey! Who would think?!)

Dh and ds have many shared interests and they do talk more, thank goodness! They are both very technical and sci-fi if you know what I mean. I do open up with him. He tells me I worry too much (he's true)...but I think he's a worse worrier than I am to be frank.

OP posts:
SacredHeart · 19/09/2015 15:08

I was this child, always thinking, planning, contemplating and squirrelling myself off. I used to spend the weekends in the caravan with a pack lunch a book and my headphones. I never really shared much with my parents as a teenager, just got on with life. Now I'm an adult and I have a fantastic adult relationship with my parents but my mum still jokes that she rings me once a week "to check I'm not dead".

Some people are just wired differently and honestly every time my parents tried to force more from me I would pull away even more. I think you have to not just think about what you want but also what he wants.

TowerRavenSeven · 19/09/2015 15:10

No, not like zoned out like, more like engineer-like: puzzles, how things work, computer programming, etc. I have zero interest in anything 'technical' at all!

OP posts:
Saltedcaramel4 · 19/09/2015 15:16

What about buying a couple of cooperative games you can play together and have a games night?
This is a brilliant one!! Just read the reviews

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1616617667/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?qid=1442672093&sr=8-3&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=horror+board+game&dpPl=1&dpID=51qQu%2BaBilL&ref=plSrch

Saltedcaramel4 · 19/09/2015 15:18

Pandemic also has good reviews

TowerRavenSeven · 19/09/2015 15:20

Thank you SacredHeart! I need that loads, I'm not being cheeky, I really did. I had a friend very much like ds who when upset I'd gently ask her if she wanted to talk about it. She always said, no talking about it made her feel worse. Consequently she really never shared much either...but I'm glad that we had the friendship since ds has said those exact words as well!

I try to think of ds as my butterfly, a careful mixture of being generally concerned about him but not smothering and giving him his own space. I can absolutely see myself phoning ds once a week at University to make sure he's still alive. Absolutely!

I really try to honour what he'd like but at the same time not feel like a rubbish parent...but you made me feel better because when you posted, "I just got one with life" is exactly what he's done from day 1!!

OP posts:
TowerRavenSeven · 19/09/2015 15:23

Ooooo that is a good idea with the games. We have started games night again - Scrabble and Monopoly he loves and gets him away from screens (yes, he does love those too) Thank you.

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jonicomelately · 19/09/2015 15:25

Why don't you talk to him honestly about how you feel? He's old enough for you to have a grown up conversation and obviously you'll have to apply some tact and diplomacy in how you broach it, but in all honesty I would have a chat about it.

TowerRavenSeven · 19/09/2015 15:38

Salted I just took a look at that game and bought it for him for Christmas! The 'Horror' part might put him off a bit until he realizes what it is (the horror is more up my alley) but it looks incredibly fun and fantasy is his thing. Thanks for that.

jonicomelately, thanks for your suggestion but I don't think he'd 'get' it. It would probably make him feel like he's done something wrong, and he hasn't, it's more about two personality types that just don't mesh well. Unfortunately, like potty training and eating, it's not something that you can force someone to do. I pull my hair out about it, but really, if someone doesn't want to open up talking to them about it will I think cause him to clam up even more!

OP posts:
jonicomelately · 19/09/2015 15:46

If you think it will make him feel he's done something wrong then maybe you shouldn't speak to him directly. He may open up using the suggestions you've had on here or maybe he'll just change in time.

On the other hand, if he has a more outgoing personality with his friends, perhaps being quiet around you and your DH has just become a habit? I know a few dc who are extremely quiet around their parents and what these parents all have in common is that they have very big personalities. They are lovely people but they never shut up, so maybe the dc have become used to just listening. I actually do the same around them too. Is this perhaps a possibility? I hope you are not offended by this, I really don't want to say it's in any way your fault but it is something I've observed with some children.

Saltedcaramel4 · 19/09/2015 16:00

Wonderful! This one is on my Xmas list www.amazon.co.uk/Robinson-Crusoe-71250ZMG-Board-Game/dp/B00CKRDMQU

Saltedcaramel4 · 19/09/2015 16:02

It's quite a complicated game until you get used to it. Lots of adventure! The right age

TowerRavenSeven · 19/09/2015 16:15

Hi joni I'm not offended at all. No, dh is one of those silent eaters that doesn't even talk when he eats, his whole family is like that. They will sit at the table and eat in silence. I grew up having normal dinner conversation, nothing over the top, just conversation.

I am basically a quiet person so no overwhelming personality here...though I do converse!! I play music at dinner a lot. Fills up the empty space and I don't get as exhausted trying to make conversation with the lot of those two!

OP posts:
cdtaylornats · 19/09/2015 16:17

My mother used to say I spent words like tenners. I just don't like smalltalk, gossip and just making noise for the sake of hearing himself. If he talks when he has something to say then it's fine.

I hate to say this but perhaps he finds what you talk about boring. Eventually he will learn the trick of answering on autopilot.

TowerRavenSeven · 19/09/2015 16:21

cd, oh he's already learned that trick! And I'm sure I do talk about - to him - boring things!! I love your mother's saying. I'll have to remember that one.

OP posts:
rogueantimatter · 19/09/2015 19:14

Perhaps you could encourage him (em, somehow) to take an interest in current affairs or philosophy?

DS (16) doesn't do small talk either. Every day at school is "fine" or "alright" full stop. But he has developed an interest in philosophy and politics and we enjoy talking about those.

myotherusernameisbetter · 19/09/2015 21:21

My DS1 doesn't talk either - as you say a one word answer etc. It drives me potty - we can sit and have a family conversation at the dinner table and DS1 never ever joins in - he only speaks to ask if he can have something or leave etc. An open question elicits the response "why do you want to know?" and is never ever answered. We call him the international man of mystery. but it's really not that funny.

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