DD 13 has managed to watch most of Orange is the New Black - graphic sex scenes throughout. What do I say to her? Long sorry.

[traviata]

DD is 13, nearly 14. Over the summer she managed to watch OITNB on Netflix without me or DH knowing. I have now caught up, watched most of it myself, and I'm stunned at the amount of graphic sex scenes. There is also some realistic domestic violence & abuse. I want to talk to DD about this, but I'm struggling with sorting out my feelings and what I want to say.

On the one hand, I think the series (set in a women's prison) has a lot of strong points for a young teenage girl;

• It shows the backstories of a big range of female characters and shows the results of poor choices they made;

• The moral context of the characters' wrong doing is pretty clear, to my adult eyes at any rate;
• qualities like loyalty, integrity, friendship, support are promoted.

On the other hand;

• a lot of the sex within the prison is predatory and I don't think this is put into the same moral context as the other offending behaviour at all;
• The characters move to participating in full sex very fast, it is in most cases not part of a loving relationship;
• Whilst some very loving relationships are shown, they also entail lots of graphic sex;
• the sex is TV porn style with lots of gasping, talk of multiple orgasms etc which promotes an unrealistic image.

I think my major concern is the normalisation of this immediate, predatory, often public sex in the show, without enough recognition of the fact that it is there in the story because it is a show about a closed community and to titillate viewers with lots of girl-on-girl action.

DD is hard enough to talk to as it is, but I don't want this to go by. I want to discuss not censor.

What shall I say to her?

I'd just talk through the bullets in your post, TBH

Be prepared for her to be so horrified that an unexpected but beneficial highlight is that it totally outs her off watching anything similar again

She'll probably be very embarrassed.

I haven't seen OITNB, but I'd tell her that tv sex and porn is never realistic.

And that the best sex happens in a loving relationship.

Perhaps you've already chatted to her. Hope it went okay. If not I'd keep it brief and explain your moral qualms in a non-moralistic way, explaining that OITNB sex is unhealthy rather than immoral. I say this because she will only confide in you if she knows you'll listen to her without judging her. (My DM had very old-fashioned views about sex. Consequently I told her nothing about my relationships as I viewed her as a dinosaur. )

Apologies if my advice isn't relevant to your situation. Hopefully some more posters will post more detailed ideas.

Thanks Gobbolino and Rogue. Your posts were both really helpful. I haven't broached it yet, maybe there'll be a moment over the weekend.

Hmm, I'm torn, I can see what you mean about the predatory nature of a lot of it, but for the most part (significant exceptions noted) it is consensual. The characters don't tend to have stable, loving relationships formed, but I don't think that is unusual for the context and I also don't think that is immoral or unhealthy in itself. Some of the characters do present a view that sex is an inevitable thing that happens to them rather than an enthusiastic, mutually enjoyable choice but I also think that is in context. The vast majority of the sex between main characters does appear to me to be mutually consensual and enjoyable. I haven't finished season three but the very clear violation (trying not to be overt to avoid spoilers) is very clearly shown as something wrong. That's not glossed over and it's not romanticised, I think they have handled it well. But I haven't seen the last three or four episodes, so not sure how they are going to conclude that one.

I do think that there is an element of titillation, but also, it's a programme aimed at adults and I think it shows sexual relationships very honestly, not only in that sense.

It's set in a prison, so the relationships (sexual and otherwise) were always going to be framed in that sense. It's a hierarchy and sex in prison is predatory. Despite efforts to the contrary, there will be people in prisons around the world who don't quite consent, who are of that status that sex perhaps happens to them - I don't want to say rape because I don't think it's portrayed that way and I don't think it's necessarily not consensual.

Perhaps it is worth mentioning that to her, to make sure she picked up on that? It doesn't and can't represent average sexual relationships because these are prisoners - and on top of that, there is the "sexing up" that often happens to sex on TV, but she'll probably be aware of that in the same vein as she's aware of photoshop.

I think those are the two points that I'd want to make, and then I'd tell her she knows where I am if she wants to talk about particular scenes etc.

If you have parental controls that track internet searches, you can probably see if any bits bothered her by looking to see whether she searched for anything related after watching particular episodes etc. Some people will think that's a violation of privacy, and that's an argument for another day, but it'd probably help you to see if she was particularly struggling with any of it.

Also - parental controls for Netflix are a good idea. There are a lot of programs and films with graphic sex in on there.

DD is 14 and watched the whole of OITNB series over the summer holidays. I'd already watched it with DP and didn't object to DD watching it. I think the series overall shows a wide range of women, their life experiences, relationships and difficulties. The women also look like real women for the most part, rather than stick thin, blonde haired Barbie dolls, so I think it's empowering in that sense.

DD seems pretty clued up about sex and relationships and I don't think OITNB has done her any damage.

Can you not just ask her what she thought of it? Did she see the bit about x coming? What did she think about y character? Did she think z was a bit unexpected? And take it from there.

Thanks to all for your well-considered and helpful posts. I did manage to raise it with DD who initially ran out of the room with embarrassment but later I cornered her and said that if she was old enough to watch it, she was old enough to discuss it, which she accepted.

She did take the points on board, I think, but was mostly hiding her face behind a cushion. I'm afraid she wasn't forthcoming enough to do as titchy suggested, but I'm grateful for the help from this thread.