Oversensitive or being bullied? DS aged 12

[BusyBee10]

My son has just gone back to school in year 8 and last night was crying because he said that most boys in his class will get up and move away from him when he sits down or ask him to move as they don't want to sit next to him. I tried to encourage him to speak to a teacher on a no names basis (he doesn't want to be a snitch....) but he won't. I don't want to jump straight into contacting the school but I'd love to get some ideas on how to help him to manage this kind of behaviour to make it bearable for him. Then if it continues I can contact the school, but I want to give him the chance to find a way to sort it out himself first if that can to help build his resilience.

Any suggestions gratefully received!

Did he have friendship issues in Year 7? It seems odd that this would suddenly happen, poor lad.

This happened to my son, but he took months to tell us about it because he was ashamed and felt there was something wrong with him that caused other boys not to like him. We talked to the school, and they were good, but we eventually ended up changing schools because our son was being seen in a certain way by the other kids and he couldn't make the pattern change and needed a fresh start.

This is bullying in my opinion. It doesn't help that people assume that girls are the only ones who bully by excluding and judging; in my experience, boys are just as "bitchy" as girls.

There have been friendship issues on and off since year 5 but the teachers in his most recent report said he seems to be a popular boy and have lots of friends so go figure! Initially friendship issues arose possibly because he was undiagnosed dyslexic for the first year and although clearly bright in aptitude tests struggled in day to day work. It seemed to improve after the diagnosis in year 6 but has never been brilliant. He feels like he is stupid even though he is obviously not so we can see that his self esteem is low.

He doesn't always have a switch off button either so we can see that he may not always be easy as a friend as he's not so good at listening to other boys' suggestions for things and can be a bit like a bull in a china shop. It's quite hard when school is telling you all seems fine yet he is clearly not.

I would have a word with the school then so that it is on their radar. Perhaps they have a mentoring system?
I feel your pain, I have a year 9 dd struggling at the moment.

Thanks - it's so tough watching them go through it. I'm never sure we are dealing with it in the right way! Hope your dd gets through it too.

It's bullying.
Remember how intense everything felt at that age? You may know that it's a short phase of his life, but from your son's perspective he will feel like the way things are at school is everything, and if this continues it could have a devastating and long lasting effect on him.
You need to get to the bottom of why the other boys are doing this, and definitely speak to the school.
Don't let the school fob you off, or tell you the ways your son should change his behaviour.
Every child has the right to go to school as the weirdest, most annoying, fattest, specciest, most ginger (etc etc) kid and be free from bullying. There are no reasons or excuses.

Thank you - it's so helpful to get an independent view. Trying to talk to other mums at school has backfired on me in the past so I worry that I am being over protective and interfering too soon, but will talk to the LSA at school to see what we can do together.

It's social exclusion, which is classed as bullying so def talk to school yourselves. Sorry this is happening to your son. Don't approach the mums, it never works as DD had problems with her so-called Bff in primary and I thought the mum - who I knew well & who dealt w children through work - just made excuses for her behaviour.

You mentioned he's not always easy as a friend for various reasons, do you think it could have anything to do with that? It maybe that they just want to be with someone whose a bit easier (which I appreciate must be really hard for you and your DS) If so, can you get any help for him?