Binge eating

[Franklyexhausted]

17yr old DS has developed what we can only assume is an eating disorder. Over the last 6 months or so I have been constantly finding empty bags from Burger King, McDonalds, crisps, sausage rolls etc in his room - always high salt and high fat - and in huge quantities. I cleared out 2 carrier bags full of the stuff hidden in drawers, cupboards, behind the bookcase etc before we went away in the summer. I hoped that would break the habit, but no such luck. I found a whole load 3 days ago, and yet more today - large tube Pringles, big bag crisps, packet of 6 sausage rolls, burger, large chips, 2 packets fried mozzarella sticks. He buys and eats secretly, but never throws the wrappers away so assume on one level he wants us to find out. I know this is likely to be a reaction to stress (he has had GCSEs this year and has moved school); I also know it is about control. And I know that the advice is not to turn it into an issue.... but that is really hard when his skin is a mess, he is getting pretty podgy, the amount of salt and fat he must be consuming is sky high, and goodness knows what effect this is having on his physical and mental health or ability to concentrate at school.
Any practical advice on what we can do?

Where does he get money to buy all this?
How much food that he eats did you buy?

He has a Saturday job and presumably uses the money he earns from that. We haven't bought any of it. We eat really well at home - all home made, all fresh stuff, which he really appreciates, and plenty of treats as well. This is all in addition. He must feel very sick a lot of the time although I don't think he is vomiting it up. A very close family member had a severe eating disorder as a child so I know some of the things to look out for. It really does seem like addictive behaviour, but we are at a loss to know how to break it.

does he do any sport? Teenage boys are notorious for eating a lot, if they are sporty, I can't help but wonder if you are over-reacting.

On the one hand it could be typical teenage lack of self control, suddenly having the means to purchase tasty junk food and going a bit ott. Laziness in disposing of wrappers, forgetting you periodically tidy his room...

On the other hand the secrecy is worrying.

I underwent CBT but it didn't really help me unfortunately. There is a well-reviewed self-help book 'Overcoming Binge Eating' by Dr Christopher Fairburn which you may find useful.

I would suggest GP asap but that could be difficult if he's in denial. Do you think he'd be embarrassed/ defensive/ relieved if you raised it?

As I'm sure you know, binge eating is an addiction. Pp correct in that it's a reaction to stress/ control thing. It's quite difficult to break the cycle as you can't go cold-turkey with food in the same way as you might with other addictive substances.

The only thing that worked for me was adopting a ketogenic/ low carb diet for a while as a means of getting my blood sugar levels back under control and curbing the cravings. The benefit of the diet is that after the first few days you no longer feel hungry. This gives respite from the food obsession and cravings. The higher amounts of protein keep you feeling full and binging doesn't seem so appealing. You do have to hang in there for the first few days though as your body gets used to the new regime!

If he values your home-cooked food he'd probably be a good candidate for the above diet. Lots of delicious meat/fish/eggs/veg/butter/cream/cheese. It sounds restrictive (not something I'd usually advise with EDs) but it focuses on good, filling foods and in honesty broke the cycle for me and gave me the freedom to not have food on the brain all the time (and mentally planning my next binge).

Good luck.

Binge eating is about psychological distress, as you know, and your DS needs help with this. Don't turn his weight or the eating itself into an issue, but his unhappiness does need to be addressed. The food is the symptom, not the problem, so even if you get him on some kind of diet (which I don't recommend) you will only have stopped up the hole with a sticking plaster. Having said that, he does want you to know what he's doing or he wouldn't be leaving the packaging out, so do talk to him, just don't criticise. Perhaps ask if the junk food makes him feel better in some way, if he's finding life quite tough and the food helps blot out uncomfortable feelings. Suggest that talking to an expert would enable him to examine how he's feeling in a safe place and help him feel better. Would he give it a try? He really needs to talk to a psychotherapist. My teenage DS has seen one for a while and she has been incredibly helpful. GP will refer but it does take a while. If you can afford it, go private. Do not go for CBS as it's another sticking plaster. This is not behavioural, at its core, it is about unpacking deep emotions and learning to cope with them.

Thank you Lately and marnie; you both talk a lot of sense. Found a whole load more packaging last week and piled it into the bin in his room - so obvious I'd found it all. The next day the bin was empty, but discovered that he had just emptied the whole lot into a carrier bag, and then put the bag into his wardrobe. I duly tipped the whole lot back out again into his bin. Daft child never says a word about it - weird!
He seems a lot happier lately, so monitoring at the moment....

But you never said anything about it either! You're both moving the packaging from place to place like a kind of silent dance around a subject that is too painful to address. It's frightening for him if he thinks his problems are too much for you to handle. Your job is to show him that you can hold and contain his pain, you won't collapse under its weight. If he sees you can deal with it, then the pain itself seems more manageable to him. That's what a therapist does, in a different and more conscious way, but as parents we do it every day. Glad he's happier, but it is important to talk, so he knows that what he's doing is not dark or shameful & that you understand that he finds life overwhelming at times.

I don't think he isn't talking about it because he is daft, I think it's too difficult for him.
I had issues with food as a teen and I physically could not have had a conversation about it, I was so ashamed , it was just too much emotion to deal with.

I can totally relate to that JackieO.

OP please don't minimise it or get cross, you need to open the lines of communication. Please don't keep moving wrappers around...

Sorry for introducing diet talk. I'm actually very anti-diet and ordinarily find suggestion of dieting triggering.

All I can say is that in a moment of utter desperation I tried low carbing, having researched it for a week prior. It freed me from a horrifying cycle of compulsive eating and allowed me to recognise true hunger and fullness again. I'm not convinced low-carbing long-term is sustainable but it's taught me to incorporate more protein into my meals and not be afraid of certain food groups.

I really wish I'd been offered psychotherapy. At the time I was repeatedly advised only CBT was available on the NHS. For me CBT only led to further feelings of shame as I failed time and time again with the exercises and homework, despite trying my hardest. I had an excellent therapist as well, I just couldn't get on with it. Unfortunately it was the 'in' therapy at the time and I lacked the confidence to pursue different therapies privately as I'd been persuaded CBT was the solution to my problem.

I agree that underlying emotional issues are at the heart of binge eating disorders, sorry if that didn't come across in my original post.

CBT is still the preferred therapy of GP referral because it's seen as a quick fix, they give you 6 sessions max, and government loves that because it's very cheap. But it's only useful for behavioural issues (like chronic OCD) which need to be addressed before the sufferer can really go into where their behaviour comes from with a psychotherapist. But that's expensive and long-term so government doesn't want to pay. So it is used constantly and inappropriately I'm afraid. Very sorry you had such a bad time with it, Lately, that wasn't the right thing for you at all.

I'm sorry that you JackieO had an eating disorder as a teenager too and felt such shame, but it's interesting in the light of your DS because such things are often repeated, handed down unconsciously from one generation to another in families. Have you explored the reasons for your own childhood unhappiness - perhaps underlying shame/pain about earlier experiences? If you haven't, your DS may be responding to your repressed feelings as well as his own.

Of course talking about it will be difficult for him and I'm not suggested you go at it directly, but do offer him the opportunity of talking to someone else. Explain that they would be non-judgemental, understanding, and will have talked to many other young people experiencing the same thing. Don't say that you think there are underlying reasons for his eating, just suggest that talking to a professional might ease his emotional load. Hope this helps. Don't mean to be bossy, but the teenage brain is very plastic and help now can work wonders - much more difficult if left til adulthood. Though never too late.

Thank you all; Although I realised that it was a control issue related to underlying emotional issues I can see that I have not responded in the best way to that but rather have treated it as an addictive / behavioural issue. Much to think about; I know that DS will be extremely hostile to any suggestion that he sees a psychotherapist - in part because I am not sure whether he himself sees it as an issue (although the secretive behaviour would suggest he does), or whether he actually wants help. Does he not need to get to that stage first?

The problem is, he might never get to that stage. It was easy to get my DS to see a therapist because positive ideas around psychotherapy/analysis are part of our family culture - I studied at the Tavistock and counselled troubled children at a primary school, so they have absorbed the truth that everybody needs to talk and unpack emotional baggage at certain times in their lives. The think it's a good and brave thing to do.

I totally understand, though, that in most families this is not the case and there is a huge taboo around any discussion of mental health. My kids are amazed by what they see as their friends' parents' neglect of children who would clearly benefit from such help - they say that these parents are obviously to frightened to face their children's problems. They are right. But if you come from a mind-set where therapy is assumed to be the sensible response to mental pain of any kind, then your children will take this on board.

Have you ever had any therapy or do you know someone who does? Can you tell him about your childhood, your binge eating, without directly referring to his? Perhaps you could say that, in retrospect, it would have been a huge help to talk to someone outside the family but that people didn't use therapy then as a matter of course. Isn't it lucky that we understand the benefits of talking therapy now, that it's considered normal and is so easily available? Maybe normalise it and say that almost all teenagers need help, the lucky ones get it, and lets go and see the GP because you don't want him to feel alone in the way that you did?

I did this as a teen, ate chips family-bags of crisps and entire packets of biscuits, half a pound of sweets, sausage tools, anything super calorific and ate it all in my room.

Then and tea as well.

I hid the packets in my room as if I'd throw them in the bin my mum would find out.

I was just really really hungry all the time, sort of crazy hungry (never put on weight though, weirdly). Teens need more calories than grown ups. Does he get enough to eat during the day?

sorry, forgot to add, I grew out of it around age 20. Just like that.

I am now a very normal, 3 meals a day eater.

My 17yr old DS also binge eats in secret. He has done this on & off since he was about 11. When he was younger he stole the money to fund this (from me & his siblings) & I used to find the wrappers. Now he has a Saturday job & he funds it with that.
I thought he'd stopped doing this as he goes to the gym & outwardly appears to be interested in being healthy, and I'd not found any wrappers in a long time. However he worked all summer, earning over £1500 & has nothing to show for it. I went through a bank statement & found he'd spent £300 in 6 weeks on junk food.
He also impulsively buys things (I guess this is another issue, such as £150 on bike equipment for a bike he hadn't bought but was planning on buying for a charity bike ride...and that he couldn't actually afford, and a £65 Halloween costume) that sit in his bedroom. He never discusses his potential purchases, I usually discover them by accident in his room or when they turn up in the post. I've asked him to return things but he says he's thrown away the receipts & it's too long ago now anyway.
He says he mostly eats alone (or sometimes with friends) before he comes home & then eats his normal meals at home too. I had absolutely no idea he was still binge eating.
His dad (exH) has a history of the same pattern of eating. 20 years down the line & he is morbidly obese (25-28st at a guess, he was 23st when we separated & has continued to get bigger) and I'm petrified this is going to be DSs future too. I've spoken to DS about this but it doesn't seem to compute.
Just to add more complications into the mix, DS has aspergers & has been NC with exH for 2.5 years due to physical & emotional abuse from the age of about 10.
He is open to seeing the GP but they've been less than helpful in the past when I've asked for help (refused a CAMHS referral when I was worried about his behaviour...in the end school referred to SS who referred to CAMHS & he was diagnosed as having aspergers at age 14. And then promptly discharged because he was not mentally unstable)
Not meaning to hijack the thread, though it is comforting to put all this out there (he's not overweight so when you try to tell people they look at you as if you're mad), to know he's not alone & that there is help out there if you can find a willing & helpful GP.
Good luck with your son OP.