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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16 yr old very upset over text messages from dad

52 replies

ginandtonicpleasee · 10/09/2015 11:31

Ds is being accused of being an alcoholic by his dad. He lives with me and has cut out most contact with him dad over issues with him. However, Ds was out with friends yesterday, a good friend of mine picked him up and said that he was very upset and her daughter(also 16 and a good friend) was worried about him. His dad was texting him all evening, accusing him of having a drink problem and needing help. Son was in tears apparently.. And ended up drinking because of it :-(
I have tried to discuss things with ex but he is completely unreasonable. How do I support my son.. Who has held down a job all summer, helps me and my partner whenever we ask and looks after his gm(my mom) and just hangs out with his friends in town occasionally.

OP posts:
LuisSuarezTeeth · 10/09/2015 13:15

Thats how it came across. Not surprised she has gone.

MerryMarigold · 10/09/2015 13:17

posting in the past with other family issues.. for which I did thru mumsnet find help.

What help did you want this time, ginandtonic? Genuine question.

DriverSurpriseMe · 10/09/2015 13:21

it might be helpful to say why your DS's Dad has come up with this notion that he is an alcoholic?

This.

To accuse a 16 year old boy of having a drink problem is a very unusual thing. Why is he saying this?

Original poster
ginandtonicpleasee · 10/09/2015 13:24

I don't think I started this thread right!! I was very upset this morning after hearing that he was so upset last night. I do not have issues with him. He even works in a pub washing up and doesn't come home drunk!! His dad has a history of bullying me and when his friend told her mother that ds got so upset last night that he was crying and having a drink of course it concerned me. Hence original post.
Anyway, I have stopped crying now! Have got work to get done but my original friend who picked them up yesterday and took them for chips and managed to get the full story :-( has been a great help so I have some support. It is a really odd thing to accuse him of and his friends are concerned because, to quote 'he was doing so well and getting his confidence'. His dad is regularly in the pub. Maybe it's jealousy at seeing his son with a good social life? I have asked where all the reports of ds drinking are coming from, but ex seems to be the only one spotting it. None of the parents I know have any problems with ds and his school reports are great. And I do trust my son :-)

OP posts:
Scobberlotcher · 10/09/2015 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ginandtonicpleasee · 10/09/2015 14:22

I am wondering. Ds says that the only place he sees his dad is the pub

OP posts:
Original poster
ginandtonicpleasee · 10/09/2015 14:42

And Luizsuarezteeth .. I didn't leave because of my drink problem! I just realised that my pigs were running around the garden.. A bit more free range than they are ment to be ;-)

OP posts:
LuisSuarezTeeth · 10/09/2015 14:56

Gin I didn't say you had a drink problem and left the thread because of it! I was responding to Scobber who said nobody piled in. I said "Thats the way it came across. Not surprised she has gone"

Sorry for misunderstanding, I thought you had been chased off the thread.

Scobberlotcher · 10/09/2015 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

f1fan2015 · 10/09/2015 15:08

I am surprised he is able to drink in the pub as it could lose it's licence for serving under age drinkers. I would check with the landlord to make sure your son is not being bought drinks as tips but apart from that it sounds like you are in a better place than this morning and hope you can get to the bottom of what is actually happening

LuisSuarezTeeth · 10/09/2015 15:11

Sorry Scobber I've misinterpreted your comment as well. Not doing very well today. Was trying to explain that I thought the first responses were ott without more info.

Shutthatdoor · 10/09/2015 15:12

Accusing a 16 year old of being an alcoholic is a very strange thing to do, u till the 16 year old then has a drink because they are upset.

I agree with ^.

Perhaps if your ex sees your son in the pub more than you do, he sees your son drinking more than you do.

Guiltypleasures001 · 10/09/2015 15:13

Op to get back to your original posting,

I would list all of your fab sons brilliant attributes

Great work ethic helpful thoughtful empathic, his dad using the word loosely there, opinions shouldn't matter but it does to him. It matters because he is all of those things I listed above. People who give a shit get hurt, people who do the hurting are defensive and guilty as hell.

Tell him the only good thing that came out of that guy was him, his dad's words and actions are not his responsibility, it is not on your son to impress his dad it's the other way around.

Tell him from me I'm impressed with him and I'm a complete stranger, I've dealt with many kids that have wasted years trying to change themselves to garner a parents love and effection, it's heart breaking.

But if they can accept its not them that's at fault then they start to move forward, your son has nothing to be ashamed of, teens experiment but your his boundaries enforcer he knows that.

You should be very proud

Scobberlotcher · 10/09/2015 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scobberlotcher · 10/09/2015 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 10/09/2015 15:30

Yes you put it better Scobber. Smile

Your son sounds great OP

Original poster
ginandtonicpleasee · 10/09/2015 15:51

Thank you Guiltypleasures001 :-).. We all think he's a great kid, that's why everyone was so concerned .
His dad comes from a big drinking family, it makes sense that his dad is just projecting his own issues. I was just so knocked off balance hearing that ds was so upset that I couldn't think straight.
And I well recommend getting pigs back into their run with lidl cornflakes for getting your mind off your problems.. And then watching the pony decide she fancies cornflakes and would quite like to get into the pig run too...!!

OP posts:
Icouldbesogoodforyou · 10/09/2015 17:50

Ah OP, his Dad might well be projecting and that is common in people who have a problem themselves.

But I worked in a MH capacity with young people aged 14 +. So many parents didn't know what their DCs were doing. And with a few exceptions they were parents that were attentive, involved and supportive. They all thought they knew their kids and trusted them and thought their kids told them everything.

They don't always and that doesn't mean their parents don't care, aren't involved or don't know what their kids are doing or going through.

It means that sometimes; parents don't know everything no matter how much they care.

So support your DS and his Dad may be a knob but try not to think that you know your DS better than anyone else.

I wouldn't say this if it wasn't my personal experience but I see it all the time - parents thinking they know better and they're not always right.

HappyBeet86 · 10/09/2015 17:52

He was upset so he turned to alcohol. That's the first thing a 16yr old boy thought would make him feel better?

Sorry op it must be hard to hear but it sounds like he is at risk of developing an alcohol addiction.

My question would be where is he getting it from?

Bubblesinthesummer · 10/09/2015 17:53

I wouldn't say this if it wasn't my personal experience but I see it all the time - parents thinking they know better and they're not always right.

This is very true, and can cause huge problems.

noiwontstoptalking · 10/09/2015 17:57

Are you in contact with his Dad at all Gin? Can you raise the subject directly with him?

HappyBeet86 · 10/09/2015 17:58

Ah sorry didn't read the second page update.

Jux · 10/09/2015 18:14

Sadly, with his dad being such a drinker, it isn't surprising that ds took a drink when his dad is calling him an alkie, especially as ds also worked in a pub. However, it is likely that if handled right, he will have seen that drinking as a reaction to up set isn't helpful in the long run. Seeing his dad being such an unkind individual can also show him that an addiction to alcohol doesn't make you a nice person.

DS is a nice person, and so will want to remain a nice person. He won't want to be like his dad and upset people as much as he has been upset by him.

With luck, this episode will put him off alcohol for life!

Original poster
ginandtonicpleasee · 10/09/2015 20:11

All starting to make sense now.. He fell out with his dad over a number of issues but the crunch came in the spring when his dad went out drinking. The police got called by the girls in a drunken row one time and the other (last!!) time his dad had friends stay over and told 1 he could have ds's bed at 6am in the morning! Ds was very upset particularly as he has younger siblings there. sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees! I will definitely keep an eye on the drinking. Jeez you think you get thru one thing ok then it comes back to haunt you :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
ginandtonicpleasee · 10/09/2015 20:12

*girlfriend .. Not girls!

OP posts: