Should I decorate dd bedroom

[onlyoranges]

My dd bedroom really needs decorating/refurbishing etc. we went to look at paints last night. She was awful in the shop complaining constantly hurling the odd unpleasant comment in my direction. The rest of the evening was the same and this morning. My question is should I continue with the redecoration? do people carry on with things like this regardless. Her room looks like something out of a bail hostel. The furniture is all second generation hand me downs and the front fell off one of the drawers the other day. We have not done it before because her behaviour/attitude is so appalling.

Does she want it redecorated?

If she's reacting like that then maybe she doesn't want it done.

IME a teenager would be more than happy to choose paints etc if you were offering to redecorate their room if they want it redone.

How old is she? Is it feasible to give her the money and get her to buy her own stuff so she's nothing to complain about? It light end up easier in the long run, and she'll realise how much hard work it is too.

This is all her idea. I try and avoid contact unless really necessary. She is 14 so would not be able to tackle a job like this. I am wondering should I carry on regardless of her behaviour?

"I try and avoid contact unless really necessary". Do you mean day to day contact or confrontation?

This isn't really about the bedroom - its about your relationship with your daughter that you avoid contact with unless absolutely necessary??. Is she an only child? Do you have a partner?

I think we need to know more about what her behaviour/attitude entails and what's been done to address it so far.

In what way was she awful? Was it to do with the decorating?
My daughter has been a gobshite about stuff like this in the past and I've just left the job not done, then when she's brought it up again I've just said "no you were rude & horrible when we were offering it"
Tbh it made little difference. Other times if I wanted to do something anyway, I'd just do it. I guess it's your house, do you want to decorate it and if you're not bothered then don't. If you are, then do.
Is your daughter oppositional all the time?

That was just a jokey comment really. Contact tends to end in confrontation. Her behaviour is challenging within the family, which consists of 2 girls, 2 boys and she. She shouts at everyone a lot, is moody, very unpleasant to her siblings. I could go on but it falls within the realms of teen behaviour. Lots of consequences put in place, nothing works. So, should we decorate her room inspite of her behaviour or leave it and class it as a consequence? Would you?

Surely a 14 year old can paint their own bedroom? .

Tell her what the budget is, she can decide how to allocate it. (she can write it out for you to OK).
Let her know that you'll help her when/if she asks, but she can be in charge of planning it all.

If she wants it done, she will have to do some work herself, and it might help with her attitude if you give her some trust and responsibility.

If she doesn't want to do it, it won't get done.

(Disclaimer: I don't have teens )

I sympathise with OP a lot. Sounds like my DD is also living with you lol.

I'd leave it as a consequence but wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Just leave it, and if she says anything tell her when she can calm down enough not to be rude to you, you will help. Until then, why should you?
Good Luck x

I would continue if it's that badly in need of it...and hope that she might be willing to get involved and thus open up the lines of communication a bit ( I have a difficult nearly 14 year old so I sympathise) it's all very well to say no until her behaviour improves but sometimes if you make the first steps....she might appreciate it and you can only live in hope it will improve her mood if she is living in a nicer environment

Yes Dat she wants to do it all, she is a very handy person. Other poster was referring to buying materials etc.

Thanks tuTru her moods are so variable eg last night she was screaming at me, got up this morning and hugged me saying how sorry she was then before she got out of the car to school I had said the wrong thing again!! This is why her room is so truly dreadful as I then say right I am not spending all this money on you!! (Can't really afford it) My head is spinning with it all. I do cringe when I go in there though!!!

I would decorate the bedroom, definitely in the hope that nice surroundings would improve her attitude and behaviour.

Have you read the book "Get out of my life..."? I only read it this summer, I was at my wits end, ready to throw her out, but I knew I didn't want to take that route. I read that book and it has helped my mental state immensely. There's less conflict in the house now, she's still an arse but I can deal with it now.
I can't recommend the book enough.
I know how you feel though, I just couldn't understand what was going on, I'd be nice it'd be wrong, I'd get angry and it didn't help, I'd try tough love and that had no effect. It was awful. Xx

I also found the "empowering parents" website helpful.

Yes I have ordered that book as its praised a lot on here. I shall start it tonight!

I think I'd leave it at least a week before doing any more towards it. And give her the option of demonstrating she's actually grateful, even if her attitude doesn't always show it. So in return doing stuff to help you out. Not quid pro quo so cleaning the bathroom in addition to whatever else she normally does for a week earns a can of emulsion, more offering to make you a cup of tea when you get back from bedroom shopping etc. Tell her a few little things she can do on the occasions she can't verbally show she's grateful.