House rules/curfews for +16yr olds

[nonsense0name]

"It's not fair" and "I can pretty much do what I like" are the main messages I seem to be getting at home from my DS at the moment. He seems to think that the minute he turned 16 I am no longer able to tell him what to do.

I have some sympathy with this, he wants to be a grown up ....but we all live together and I think he should contribute and be part of the family house.

Are my house rules too strict? please tell me honestly what you think....

1. room tidy - i.e no dirty clothes on the floor
2. chores done before you go out - there only 2 - clean his bathroom once a week, do his laundry once a week
3. curfew causes the most issues - I'd like in by 9 and quiet in your own bedroom during the week, 10.30 at weekends - we have other small DCs, we are still getting up in the night with one DC and have to get up for work, I really need to feel like there is an end of the day where the house is quiet...DS says it's not his fault we are still getting up and at 16 he should be allowed out to whenever he likes...I am prepared to compromise if there's a party/event but not if he's just hanging out with his mates outside....also he's rubbish at getting up in the morning for work/college so I think he needs more sleep

Thoughts? Thank you

Those chores and the room tidy thing aren't enough IMO. I have 16 year old twins and they do way more than that, I agree with you, you're a community and need to work together, he needs to pull his weight more.

I do think that curfew is too early though, mine board so I don't have them during the week only weekends and holidays, their curfew when they're home is 11.30, for parties or going out properly we play it by ear. We also have younger DC.

One idea might be up the chores and responsibilities in exchange for a later curfew, he comes home shitfaced or breaks it/abuses it, he loses the privilege.

Can he get a weekend job? Might be good for him?

We used to have a longer chore list but I just lost the will to live constantly chasing/waiting for them to be done.....

He works hard outside the home, paper round, p/t job and just starting college after GCSE's....

I should maybe consider later evening curfew on the condition that he isn't late for getting up for work and college.

I think rather than a 'curfew' I would approach it on a case by case basis- hanging around doing nothing with mates on a tuesday say 9pm more than reasonable, someones 16th Birthday on a sat night 11.30pm might be more fair.

I wouldn't banish him to his room at 9pm on a weeknight though. Fair enough he needs to be quiet if the younger ones are in bed, but why can't he sit with you for another hour or so before bed?

I have four older ones, at sixteen their room and their laundry (if it wasn't in the linen basket) would have been their responsibility. If they wanted to live in a hovel it was their choice I just shut the doors.
Have to say 9pm would be an early curfew for mine, rule was let me know where you are and at what time you expect to be home. It was also their responsibility to make sure they got enough sleep and got up for sixth form.
I think it's a bit harsh to expect him in his room at 9pm ours used to choose when they went to their rooms and we have a younger one. I trusted them to be considerate.
I think it's better for them to learn how to be a good family member rather than imposing rules and curfews. For chores there were no set ones just an expectation you would pull your weight and so they'd tackle the bathrooms, cut the grass, wash the cars, cook a meal, do a basket of ironing etc when they saw it needed doing.

just read my first message back - it reads as if I banish to his room at 9 - that's not what I meant, absolutely he can stay up with us, watch tv, read, whatever but no loud stuff - so he can't start his laundry at that time of night, start cooking in the kitchen cos he's been out and missed dinner time again etc...

however mostly if he's in, he'd rather be in his room watching what he wants...we are too boring

I agree with PP that your curfew is too early. Why not try a fortnight of a later time (and FWIW I would allow my 16yo out until 11 on a school night) to see how that affects his sleep.

I wonder if his rubbish sleep is because he's catching up with his online social life in the early hours.

DD2 is 17 and just finished lower 6th. She has not had any curfew since starting 6th form but I do expect a reasonable time during the week. If she goes to somewhere like the cinema then I accept she may not be home until later. At the weekend, she comes in whenever she wants - but she must take a key; she must tell me where she is going; if she is coming home after midnight, I expect to be told/text this; and I want to know how she is getting home (I will pick up before midnight if I have been asked).
Chores - it depends on how much schoolwork she is doing (and she works one evening as well). Generally, dishwasher emptied and refilled, downstairs kept tidy & clutter free (in my dreams), and keeping on top of her own room/washing.

If they wanted to live in a hovel it was their choice I just shut the doors.

but it's my carpets that are getting ruined and I draw the line at smelly socks on the floor they're yucky....to be fair I can cope with more mess than DH and I'd be inclined to shut the door on it.

I have tried the "just try to lend a hand and join in with the stuff that needs doing" but my DS never sees the stuff, or given the choice will be out all the time and never get round to it...

The problem with chores lists is it becomes a chore

I know something that works for friends of mine is giving them room responsibility, so DS's mate, he does his room and all that but he is also responsible for the kitchen being clean and the washing up/other kitchen related activities, could you pick another room for him to be in charge of? Or maybe he could be in charge of making sure your younger ones get their chores and responsibilities done (depending on their age obviously).

I think the chores are OK but the curfew is far too early. Mine don't even get back from school until 9pm. I suggest they go to bed at 11 in the week, as that's when I go to bed and ask them to turn off the living room TV. Apart from that I don't police bedtime unless they wake me up

Thanks all

Will adjust the curfew times definitely, DS did often text for an extension so was not always enforced anyway but a later one will make him happy :)

Social media/sleep probably an issue but it's hard to know - he says it doesn't. DS pays for own phone contract and doesn't use house WiFi so I can't manage his access....but that's a different thread