Teenager on heroin, i'm falling apart!

[Scottishlass]

Found out this year, we where all devastated, he has everything you could want, all the love in the world, very happy child hood and he is so talented! He is not injecting we check, last month we helped we get off it, he went through a "cold turkey" for a week, heroin is the only drug that gives you physical withdrawl symptoms, we found this out as he said it was coke but within 3days (which is the time it takes from last taking the drug to cause withdrawl effects)he was sweating, aching crying out in pain. It was awful to see him like that, we all cried and wanted to shout/hit him but we where all patient. he went to councelling and we let him drop out of college, he got a job and we stupidly thought that was the end of it, for a few beautiful weeks we thought we had him back, but recently his looks have deteriorated again, he does not focus when youtalk to him, in fact you cant talk to him because he does not listen to a word you say, he talks frantically about himself only never asks anyone anything, just wants to listen to his own voice, he cant see the mess he is creating around him, our hearts are broken, how can he do this to us, he thinks we are stupid, he is chucking all our love and patience in our face and refuses to admit he is back on it or something else, we went for a family meal in a dark pub, his pupils where tiny - they should have been bigger, he was high and i wanted so much to tie him up and ga him and make him listen to what he is doing, i am so afraid that he will die, i just cant handle it. he has lost his friends and only knows junkies, he will lose his job soon and what next. what can i do? drug helplines say throw him out if he refuses your help, but how can i do that? whatr cant he just loves us, whats so bad about being happy?
i am sick of crying, of staying awake every night playing out in my mind what i will say to him, all day i think think think, he does not see this - im so angry. how much more can my mind take?

Scottishlass - really, really hope someone else can help, that is such an upsetting post.

oh scottishlass i am so sorry to hear your son is on heroine but don't give up on him,my cousin was a heroine addict for many years and at the time my aunt was dealing with her alcoholic husband,my cousin stole everything from the house and sold all of his mum's and two sister's jewellery,he nearly died of an overdose in his home but thankfully my aunt is a nurse and new what to do,he finally went into a rehabilatation centre,got better and he even ended up marrying the counsellor at the centre,they now have a beautiful baby boy,it was very,very hard for the whole family but specially for my aunt but she didn't give up on him,hope your son can get the help he needs he's lucky to have a mum like you
good luck
hugs((((())))

It is and what makes me SO angry is that he does not know how I feel because I cant make him listen, I will try speaking really quiet, nice and calm and he just loses his temper (abnormally) and shouts "leave me alone, i said im not doing anything, why are you picking on me?" he thinks he has it tough that we all have it in for him! normally he is such a lovely caring boy/young man, funny, outgoing, good looking - now he looks like shit, he looks like a tramp, moody, extremley argumentative, selfish and very short tempered. it is a total nightmare living with him, everyday i wake and feel my eyes well up as soon as i realise what i have to face - i know that he could see what he is doing then he would stop, i know he loves me somewhere in his stupid head but i am worried that i may have lost him forever. the difference this time is that he wont admit it, before he did and welcomed our help. he has this job and his wages that he has never had before, but he is 18 i cant hold him down, i am powerless.

thank you for your kind words, i know its bad but problems like this are embarassing, i always thought this only happens to people badly raised, i have given him the world and he has crushed mine. i cant talk to people other than my family about this, but i am sick of talking about him to them as that is all we talk about is him, the world revolved around him.

Scottishlass, you have my heartfelt sympathy and I can only begin to undersatdn what you must be going through.
Have you tried getting in touch with a support group that is run by ex addicts? I would imagine that they might be more 'hand on' helpful as they can offer help and advice base on their own experiences.

scottishlass you have to make him go into a rehabilitation centre,is the only way even if he doesn't want to,you can't live like this and if he doesn't listen to you could you write him a long letter explaining what he is doing to himself and the family?tell him that you're willing to do anything to help him, that you want your son back and your life back the way it used to be,is going to be hard and will take a long time but he will get there,not everything's lost,you have to believe that,you will get your son back

sorry to hear this scottishlass it must be such a difficult time for you all. the problem being your son will not listern to a word you say until HE wants to give up the addiction, until then he will hide behind a multitude of excuses, and he will even justify what he is doing, and will feel he has a good reason for taken drugs. I am afraid no matter how much you love him and how often you tell him, beg with him and plead for him to see reason he will not he is blinkered and will not listern. When people take drugs they hear what they want to hear and only see what they want to see, he doesnt realy see the hurt and pain your going through and wont until he stops. you are not taking to your son you are talking to your son on drugs, they are two very different people. Every time you try to help him, bail him out or make excuses for him you are stopping him from hitting rock bottom you are his saftey net! Trouble is until he does hit rock bottom he has no chance of bouncing back. you realy need to think about the level of suport you offer him at the moment he knows your always there to rely on i think you should listern to the suport lines i know this would be the hardest thing you will ever have to do in your life but the ends should justify the means. Your son will probley get worse before he gets better, sad i know but you have to let him go so he can come back when he is ready to face his problems. hope this helps big hugs xxxx

everything you are all saying is true, i know i need to be harder but he is so weak, i know that if i threw him out he would get worse - i dont want him to die, i actually wrote him a long letter today, i cried so much when i wrote it, i had to type and not write it as my hands were shaking so much. i tried this last week and he threw it away after reading a couple of lines and said i was going over the top. i would pay whatever it takes to put him in rehab, problem is that he is 18, i cant make him go. he had to be rushed to hospital last year as he collapsed in the bathroom, i did not know then and thought he had bad flu. he had to go on a drip. the bloody crap law protected him, i sat next to his bed holding his hand unaware whilst the nurse taking his blood pressure knew everything, why the hell didnt they bring a councellor in to talk to him??? he is 18 for christs sake, few years ago he looked like baby watching sat tv eating cocopops and there he was only a few years on him and protected by the law because he is 18, this law needs to be changed, if the parents cant be told then they should at least try and help themselves, it could of changed everything.

This is heartbreaking. I know some people who've got over addictions, so I agree with the advice about 'tough love' and letting him get worse - but it is a risk, and must be so bloody hard to do. Even if he goes into rehab it won't work unless he wants it to - but it will when he gets to that point. Can you make clear to him that you love HIM and want HIM around, but won't tolerate his addiction, it's not welcome...that communicates love and respect for him but shows him that you're strong enough to stand up to the addiction which is controlling him. Can you get some support for yourselves from meetings for family of sufferers? Sorry, maybe you already heard all this. It's really hard that you can't do anything, but you sound like you're being amazing in helping him like you do.

i think it's awful that the hospital knew what was wrong with him and didn't offer you help,like i said before you have to make him go and get help my cousin was in his 20's when he finally went into a rehab centre because his mum forced him,don't give up on him,he is ill and you wouldn't give up on him if he had a disease,you will find a way to help him and if you kept the letter give it back to him when he's in a calmer mood,is no doubt that you love him very much and although he can't see it now he will one day

i really do feel for you scottishlass, my brother was heroin addict from the age of 16, my dad could of written your first post, i have lost count of the number of times he returned home from work to find most of his electrical items missing,like you my dad refused to throw my brother out, he couldnt bear the thought of him living rough and in dirty squats etc, everyone said that by providing a meal and a bed for my brother, then my dad was helping to feed his habit, to be honest there isnt any help unless he is ready to give up himself, you cant force a heroin addict to give up, he will lie to you and convince you that he is going to go clean, but until he decides its time to get clean himself then he wont do it. the person that he is now is not him, its the drug, it makes them selfish and thier only though is where the next fix is coming from.he knows you love him and but his anger towards you is more or less anger in himself, heroin is a very difficult drug to get clean of and by associating himself with other heroin addicts isnt going to help him much.
like looliepop says, he knows you will always be a safety net for him, and my brother knew this was the case with my dad. he has to hit rock bottom, he will one day want help, nobody wants to be heroin addict.
my brother hit rock bottom in may 2002, by then he was also addicted to crack cocaine, he is now in prison serving a four year sentence for robbery, but to be honest its the best thing that could of ever happened to him, hes now clean as he has had good support in there, its just a shame that the support on the outside is useless, i have some information books given to me by the prison and probation service with good advise for families of heroin addicts, i would gladly pass them on to you if you like.

my brother probaly saw me and my dad as pushovers but i refused to accept that he was the problem, it was the drug that had taken over his life, if your son sat down with you and talked you'd probably find that he doesnt like himself much now. i really do hope that you can get some help with this , but as i said before until he wants help anything you say will be pointless, forcing him into rehab will not work, he will go straight to the drug when he has left rehab, he has to want to do it himself.
sorry to ramble on, but this is something i feel so strongly about, you could ask him if he want s to go to the doctors (when he ready) and see about getting on a methadone programme, but this will only work if he is not hanging around with the heroin addict friends.
take care.

scottishlass.
I am so sad about your son.

You are in so much anguish. I have lived with and been close friends with one or two long term heroin addicts, one of them a boyfriend. I have lost count of the times I have tried to help and tried to talk them out of it. The denial they are taking heroin when you only have to look at their eyes and hear their voice.

In the end I made myself get more detached. I would have ended up a wreck otherwise and I could see my pleading was getting me nowhere, the broken promises just did my head in. I realised the drug made my boyfriend incredibly selfish. I started to look at how his drug addiction affected me and every time it did I told him exactly how. If we ran short of money I told him how angry I was that I had to pay the gas bill which meant I couldn't buy a new pair of glasses that I needed. I would tell him how cross I was that I had to say no to an invitation out because I was too embarrassed to let my friends see him high on heroin. I stopped saying things like you are making me so unhappy and I love you so much, please stop for me. Nothing made him stop for good but the when I became more detached, we communicated much better. I think it reminded him that selfish is not something that only addicts can be, so that was a dose of reality. I have one remaining friend in my circle who still takes herion and she knows I hate it. When I see her I first try to think how her drug taking affects me. For instance, she's a bit of a hermit and doesn't like leaving her drugs behind. If she doesn't want to go out but wants me to come round to see her, I say 'no' if that's not what I want to do. I tell her, for instance, as it's a nice day I want to be out in the sunshine. I do want to see you but only if we go out somewhere.

The other thing is, it's really, really good that your son had tried to give up because from what I've seen of my friends, it takes lots of times before you give up completely. And once they get into a giving up then relapsing type of situation, sometimes the heroin use tails off a little each time. So the best thing you can do is keep praising your son for giving up for the weeks he did as that shows he can do it and just because he has started again, it doesn't mean he can't try again and if he fails, then give it a rest and try some more. And if he does try to get clean, don't ever assume that will be it and don't let your son see you have built up your hopes. In my experience, most clean times don't last, but you'll have your son back for a while and his dependency overall might be lessened and he will be more used to the cold turkey withdrawel so can face it again. Enjoy the clean times and try and help him fill his life with non drug things so he has other memories to put by if he relapses. He is so young that at least he has not had time to build up a long habit, so this should help. My friends were much older.

Also, can you get your son to tell you what type of treatment he most wants, if he is ever in the mood to talk about this. different treatments are around so keep getting facts and information and telling your son about them, but not pushing him to go to anything. And also, every time there's a glimmer of interest in non drug friends or activities, do everything to encourage it.

I don't think at this stage you should throw him out, but don't give him too comfortable a life at home. If he spends his money on drugs, don't end up buying him his clothes or giving him money to go out. If you really can't let go of all this pain then tell him and well you might have to be selfish and say you cannot have him with you at home because you are at snapping point yourself. You must put yourself first if you want to help him.

lots of hugs to you.

My brother was on heroin for years and tormented all of us mercilessly.We tried everything to help him and he was offered several treatment programmes but always backed out.Eventually he went cold turkey at my parents house in Ireland and he has been living there drug free for years .In 2000 he donated a kidney to me and was found to be in perfect health in every way despite the years of abuse.He has now got a job and a flat in Ireland and although he is a changed person and sometimes difficult still he has come a long way.Maybe if you let him go he will hit rock bottom and seek help

scottishlass how are things going? thinking of you.

Just seen this post so thanks for refreshing gonegrey.
What's happening Scottishlass, have things improved a bit, where are you at now?

scottishlass how ar things?????