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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Therapy for DD

13 replies

3catsandcounting · 26/08/2015 00:14

My DD18 has been referred, through her GP, for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to help her with anger issues. Fortunately, they have an in-house therapist and the waiting list is pretty short.
My concern is that she's very quiet, doesn't verbalise her feelings well, hence the anger, and doesn't really see that she has a problem (it's everyone else who are irritating idiots!)
Will CBT be helpful to someone who is not particularly receptive? Anyone with any experience?

OP posts:
icouldjusteatacroissant · 26/08/2015 08:29

as far as I'm aware she has to want to engage in CBT for it to have any chance of being successful

Original poster
3catsandcounting · 26/08/2015 09:59

That's what bothers me. She doesn't engage in anything. She so desperately needs help and yet does nothing to help herself.

She really seems to believe that it's acceptable to hurt and manipulate people, to laze around all day (for the past 2 months), give up her part-time job because she can't be bothered, verbally and physically abuse us, break our possessions in a fit of anger and show no remorse or guilt, because she "can't help it", and then can't understand why no one will lend her any money to go out!
In between all this she can be rational, calm and lovely, but still can't see how therapy could possibly help her as she's "not that bad" !! Confused

OP posts:
Dancingqueen17 · 26/08/2015 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChocolateJam · 26/08/2015 19:46

Therapy only helps if you want to cooperate. On the upside though, we recently dragged DD(13) to a psychologist kicking and screaming, vowing that she will only go once. I don't know what he said to her but she came out and said she would go again, and she seems to be getting some benefit from the therapy. So a skilled therapist might be able to engage her.

Original poster
3catsandcounting · 26/08/2015 20:26

Thanks for the replies - she's always been 'difficult' and has various sensory issues (food/clothing/smells/
crowded places, etc.
The counsellor she saw for 2 sessions (who then decided she didn't need counselling but CBT instead!) has suggested Aspergers but her GP says it's notoriously difficult to diagnose as an adult (??)
She functions well and masks a lot of what she's feeling, and let's it all out at home!
I'm caught between thinking 'we all feel angry and irritable sometimes', to feeling sorry that she's really struggling to cope. She's very immature and has recently had A levels/part-time job/first boyfriend, all of which, I feel, overwhelm her, compared to her peers/friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
3catsandcounting · 26/08/2015 20:27

.. and she will cooperate with Therapy (she's quite submissive out of the house) but will she engage and benefit? ????

OP posts:
AmIbeingTreasonable · 26/08/2015 22:06

She really seems to believe that it's acceptable to hurt and manipulate people, to laze around all day (for the past 2 months), give up her part-time job because she can't be bothered, verbally and physically abuse us, break our possessions in a fit of anger and show no remorse or guilt, because she "can't help it", and then can't understand why no one will lend her any money to go out!

That sounds like you are talking about a young teenager, 13 or so not an 18yr old.
You need to start treating her as an adult. If she is not in full time education she needs to be working and paying board to cover her costs. It sound like you have let her get away with everything with no consequences, but you reap what you sow!

Stop doing everything for her and enabling her. Sit her down and explain how things will be going forward. She will probably have a tantrum, that's fine, just keep calm and repeat what is now going to happen (it may also be useful to write it all down beforehand, have a copy each, so can read it and absorb it after the talk).

It won't be easy but as the mother of three grown dc I can tell you it's the only way forward, otherwise if you keep the status quo things will get worse and she will get more and more entitled and difficult. Stop the rot now!

coveredinsnot · 26/08/2015 22:13

It's not difficult to diagnose and asd in an adult. That's just nonsense. If this is a suspected diagnosis you'd be far better off pursuing this and then getting the appropriate therapy if she does fit the diagnostic criteria. CBT for anger can be very effective but if she has an asd then it's unlikely to help - a bad experience of therapy can be very damaging as it can stop people from engaging in therapy again in the future as they then have a belief/experience that it doesn't work. She definitely sounds like she needs help but in my experience therapy needs to be wanted by the person attending in order for it to be effective
However she may be lucky and get a fabulous therapist who is able to engage her effectively.

coveredinsnot · 26/08/2015 22:16

Also being submissive and actually actively engaging in therapy are two completely different things. CBT relies heavily on someone's motivation to try out new behaviours, monitor thoughts and emotions etc throughout the entire week in between sessions. It's a lot of work. And without this work, the individual sessions will do bugger all.

Original poster
3catsandcounting · 27/08/2015 09:10

I think the PPs right In that she sounds more like a 13 year-old! Her attitude has never really changed or matured since early teens, and yes,
I probably have done too much for my children over the years, I'm far too soft.
I am starting to detach from her when she's being difficult, it's hard as I'm a 'fixer' and she doesn't want me to fix anything when she's railing against these strong emotions.

In between all this anger and unreasonable behaviour she can sweet, funny and great company.
It's the outbursts in between that are so hard to cope with. I've kept a log of her behaviour which clearly shows a pattern regarding PMT. She was like a screaming banshee this weekend until her period started on Sunday, when my DH said "what's happened, it's like a switch has been turned off!" I've bought Evening Primose, Vit B6, etc but she 'forgets' to take them!

Sorry for the long posts, I'm just ranting and trying to make some sense of all this, and it's helps writing it down.
To be clear, she is in full-time education still; starting a 12 month Foundation course at a local college.

On the upside, I have a DS16 who is kind, considerate, hard-working at school, and is light years ahead of his sister in maturity! Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
3catsandcounting · 27/08/2015 11:38

I know a little bit about CBT and how it requires input from the patient; the therapist she's going to see is a Clinical Psychologist and I would hope that he's seen enough disengaged teenagers in his time to know how to deal with their lack if input.

OP posts:
coveredinsnot · 28/08/2015 07:43

A clinical psychologist will be far better equipped to engage her as well as to detect, assess and adapt interventions for her if she does have some kind of developmental issue underlying the anger like an ASD. So that is excellent news! Glad she's not off to go and see a big standard CBT therapist who has hardly any mental health training, no psychology training, etc
... Smile best of luck with it all, you sound like a very caring mum

coveredinsnot · 28/08/2015 07:46

*bog standard

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