11 year old acting out. Epic tantrums.

[Dustybookshelves]

Dd always been volatile even as toddler. I've tried to get support but CAHMS won't help. Her father has been less that useless more like he has gone out of his way to make co-parenting impossible as he sees her when it's convenient for her and tells her all sorts of inappropriate things about why I left him mostly lies, lies and more lies. She is understandably furious however she blames me for everything that's wrong including him not bothering to turn up to collect her, this is a regular occurrence.

I'm at my wits end with his as the tantrums are epic in nature and we are all walking on egg shells. Dd has younger siblings who are picking up on this unhappy state of affairs.

I've tried to explain to DD father about what she does but he doesn't care as it infringes on his time and he does everything he can to make my life difficult along with his mother. It's been hell on earth with this family.

I left when DD was 6 months old due to abuse. I've never spoken about it as I feel so ashamed of where I've ended up with it all.

I fear DD will carry on screaming and shouting and being so angry into adulthood.

What can I do?

I may be way off the mark, but to me it sounds like your ex has had a very negative effect on your daughter. no decent parent would poison her mind with inappropriate stories about the other.

can you end contact with your ex, it could take years to repair the damage. I think she shouldn't be seeing him as at all.

Yes she tantrums because contact has always been irregular and she's never sure when she's going to see him and so I let her go when it convenient for him as I've always tried to stop her being so upset about it.

We have her a phone so she could stay in contact with him and I check it every now and then to make sure she's not doing anything inappropriate with it and the text messages he dents her make me very uncomfortable. They are full of xxxxxxx's and darlings and at a party or a festival an here are the pictures. She's his daughter not a mate and I don't know if I'm wrong in thinking it's very strange to speak to an 11 year old in such a manner.

He's also over the years accused me of all sorts of abuse towards her well his mother really and I've a cafcass report saying that this is not ok but they still do it.

The mother has never forgiven me for leaving and has always been very aggressive and abusive towards me. She also sends bizarre messages to my daughter but my daughter seems to think they are family and therefore she must see them and I've tried to facilitate it for her sake as that is what she wants.

The mother and my daughters father have never done a damn thing for her, nor does he pay maintenance, he did for a bit but has never had a steady job for longer than a year or two.

This mess has severely affected my relationship with my daughter as she uses me as a punching bag and I'm becoming less and less capable of dealing with it these days.

I got really upset recently and locked myself away to have a sob and she followed me to mock me. I don't recognise her anymore.

If I stop contact now I hate to think of how she will react. He doesn't care even though I've tried to explain the effect his behaviour has had in her. He only 'parents' her when she is with him and he always has his mother with him.

I'm at the end of my tether and the last time she screamed I want to go and live with my father I said fine go. He won't have her though as he lives at home having stopped working apparently.

I'm slowly losing the will to live as she stamps around the house screaming and shouting at everyone and throws and kicks things.

I remember being her age very clearly and I wouldn't even dream of behaving like this. I just wouldn't, I feel like I'm failing her in some way but I've tried so many different approaches. A fair amount of people have suggested she goes there so she can see what life would really be like if she was there as she wouldn't have all the privileges of living with us. I've possibly spoiled her.

I imagine you may well have spoiled her to compensate for the damage being caused by your ex and his mother. you are right that the texts are inappropriate and he does seem to be treating her as a mate and not parent her. part of this will be guilt, but he doesn't seem to have any idea of how to treat his daughter. the mother sounds like a pita too.

have you been in touch with CAMHS? You need some help with your girl, she is heading towards the teenage years fast. but until you get the ex and his mother under control you are fighting a losing battle. you need rid.

I've tried CAHMS three times via GP school everywhere but that's another who different thread. They only accept children who have severe MH issues and not behavioural issues apparently.

Social services won't even make a referral after all their interference.

Seeing my GP next week again for some help for her as he seems to be the only person in this whole fiasco who gives a damn.

I just don't know how to deal with her father as he just doesn't care or have the understanding of what he's done, he blames me like my daughter does.

I can't bear the tantrums any longer but I'm not sure sending her there will make her realise anything.

I'm so angry with myself for getting involved with this guy in the first place which doesn't help my state of being I suppose but he's gone out of his way to make things very difficult for me over the years.

I just want to walk away from it all but that's obviously not practical.

She starts secondary school and I'm really worried she will end up doing things she shouldn't be just to try and prove a point in some way as she can be very stubborn and manipulative at the bet of times. Her stepfather is at his wits end too and after trying for years with her has given up and I feel resentful towards him for that which isn't fair but it's how I feel.

I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel in this.

She adores her sisters but takes her frustration out on them by saying not so nice things and they're only very little. The middle one copies her of course and it makes me so upset that she's being affected by her sisters fathers dysfunctional input.

It's all so divisive and there is so much turmoil and conflict as a result. When dd goes to her father there is such calm in our home and she challenges the atmosphere when she comes back I think because she feels so upside down she wants everyone on her level. I could be wrong I don't know but I just want it all to stop once and for all.

How do I get rid?! I stopped contact as there were issues with discipline when she was there and I statesd explicitly that contact was to be formally agreed and actually with her father present, his reply was oh well then fine I won't see if her if you're going to not let me?!!! That's not what I said at any point, anyway, two years later after me sending email and email to get him to formalise or at least stick to the original court order he sees her for a bit and now it's back to him not turned up, phoning social services making up more nonsense (actually his mother again) and I am at breaking point with all of them.

Social services are so inexperienced and have so little understanding of what's going on it quite frightening coupled with her father not parenting. I'm just dealing with so much of this that my daughter the one who needs help isn't getting it. It's makes no sense why would he contact social services again and try and discredit me and then not turn up for contact after telling them I don't let him see her?! Why do they believe this when I've given them proof and explained that what he says is a lie and give them documented proof? I'm spending all this time writing counter reports instead of focusing on much urgent matters. His mother works in social care so she knows exactly what's she's doing. I just don't understand why.

Anyway social services are the least of my worries as the response I wrote made my position very clear and I can substantiate everything I've said, the sad thing is it just exposes her father as a liar once again and I have to try and separate my emotions about what he's done and what he's doing from any interaction with DD. she thinks he's the perfect human when in actually fact he is severally abusive right across the board but I can't tell her what's he's done as she's way too young and it's none of her business anyway.

She knows a bit about the DV as he told her (I kept all details away until I broke down the other week and shows her a brief paragraph from the court case staying he didn't turn up) what happened but rewrote is all to make it look like I was In the wrong and so she has condoned his behaviour. Luckily he's not quite above the law.

It's such a sad situation for my daughter and I find it heartbreaking she has to deal with this. his mother just sees it as oh good dd is giving her mother a hard time.

This summed it up for me at one point: dd threw one of her worst tantrums about 2 years ago and so I said right that's it phone your father if that's what you want and see what he says (hoping he'd back me up) instated he as what dos your mother do to you. I gave up a big at that point if I'm honest.

I'm sorry this is so long but it's very good to get this out.

Sorry he rewrote it all as in rewrite history!

Secondary school may have a mentoring service that you can access for her. They may be able to help with behaviour support.

Take the phone away from her that she contact him with, if he contacts you or shows up, tell him he is seriously damaging your daughter, and if he wants to see her, a court must decide his access. Your daughter must be miserable .

And yes to counselling.

Tried to get her into a mentoring programme at the beginning of the year when she was at primary school but the waiting list for our area is just so long. I will speak to secondary school though as all this must be on her permanent record sadly.

She is miserable. I've told him that his actions are disgusting and that he doesn't deserve to have her as a daughter. He doesn't care. He keeps threatening to amend the court orders rand I keep asking him to but he won't as that actually involve taking right action which he has never ever done.

I'm hoping my GP can make this referral to an agency that deals with teens, there is also a possibility of art therapy in the interim. She's very good at art and always get top marks so it's a step in the right direction albeit a very little one.

How can I make this guy understand and realise what he's doing?

He's now told here he's going to a party on an Island for the weekend. She's bragging about it to her stepfather and it's completely heartbreaking. Her father is about 40 btw. I'm overwhelmed by it all.

how does she know he's going to a weekend long party? if he's contacting her via mobile take it off her. you must.

does your ex have mh issues?

I've no idea how she knows her stepfather was the one who told me she had said this to him.

He did as when I left him he phoned me to tell me he had taken an over dose and was put in some sort of home for the weekend. Cafcass didn't seem to think this or the DV was an issue and required any contact supervision although supervision was taking place at his mothers as that was where he was living.

He must have some left of MH issue to behave this way. His mother has a serious drinking problem and tried several programmes and it seems she's sobered up over the past I'd hazard a guess at 7 years? The mother was unhinged though and stepfather will not have any contact with her after she because abusive to him when he tried to speak to here about a medical issue involving DD.

I don't have an issue with what he does (as I would be even more of a wreck if I did) I just don't want to know and I don't want dd knowing as its an activity that is appropriate for 20 year olds or gap year students. He is going on 40!

His texts mainly contain hundreds of I love you to the end of the earth and back followed by half a page of x's and then either him or his mother saying they'll sort it all out and they're going to fix everything and they love her and it will all be ok. What the hell do they think saying something like that is going to achieve other than dd exploding and telling me how shot her life is and I had a perfect life when I was growing up! It's so wrong as far as I'm concerned but they won't see it. It's all about here wants and desire to get my daughter 'on side'. It's a total disgrace and if they weren't as they are, I'd probably be quite happy for hero go and stay there for a while but I'm pretty sure if she did that under these circumstances she would be looked after properly. Going back though, she wouldn't probably be screaming and shouting to go and live there if she didn't have such issues she was dealing with.

Ive sent him emails and text explaining what's happening with her but I either get no answer or a stop being so rude to me have some respect for me!!! I mean come on!

How can I get him to show and out of integrity here?

you clearly cant.

did you remove your daughters phone?

I'm sorry you've struggled to find her help. You sound like my mum when I was a teenager, older than your dd but still. I know it's horrible for you. But she acts out with you cause she trusts you not to disappear or leave her.

I think she struggles to deal with not knowing what's going on with seeing her dad. It's very stressful for anyone, especially a child. It's a shame ex is so unco-operative because I think a set routine that he stuck to rigidly might be very helpful.

My issues were different but even as an adult I struggle to deal with situations where I don't know what's happening snd can't control it. Just understanding where this comes from has been helpful.

Can you talk to her at a calm time about how it feels for her when she's in a rage, it must be scary for a child. Ask how she'd like you to help her, what helps her feel calm, work with her to develop coping strategies.

How can I make this guy understand and realise what he's doing?

I seriously think you need to move on from trying to find a way of making him understand your point of view. You seem to be tying yourself up in knots about why he doesn't want to be/won't be a good dad.

He clearly won't ever be.

Don't try and understand him. Accept he is a knob and if I was you I would do my utmost to keep dd away from him and his texts.

Easier said than done I am sure!

We've had lots of chats about her tantrums and rages and she says she can't help it even though I've examined it fine to be angry and full of whatever it is she's feeling at a particular time however it's the way that she directs her rages that aren't ok. Hitting a pillow and screaming into is fine, kicking doors and throwing things at me isn't. She knows this but jut looses control and I do blame myself as if I'd managed this differently when she was smaller maybe she'd be happier. I didn't my best and I've never been anything but there for her and probably smothered her a bit. So she quite likely has attachment issues as her boundaries aren't amazing and she has to be reminded that she cannot always come into my space because she's bored and wants attention as I may be tired, in pain (I have a chronic pain condition) or just five minutes peace. She takes this as a challenge usually!

She wants to see her father as she only admits his behaviour is strange sporadically and being calm. I would rather he just disappeared back to wherever it is he's been spending more of the summer and leave me in peace as this week just gone he's yet again proven how malicious, spineless and self centred his thinking is. I want no contact with him at all but it's hard for DDs sake.

Explained not examined! Damn phone.