Would it be wrong for me to exclude my friend's DS from this gathering?

[MyballsareSandy]

A dear friend is having terrible problems with her eldest boy. He's heavily into drugs, and has been stealing from her and local businesses to fund his habit. She's had to buy a safe and lock her purse/cards/phone/tablet etc away all the time. He's also been violent with her when she has refused to give him money.

Me and a couple of other close friends have done our best to support her through this but none of us want him anywhere near our children or our homes as he can't be trusted.

Next weekend we're having a get together and I want to invite her, her DH and her younger boy, but want to make it clear that the eldest is not welcome. My DH thinks this will cause an upset and says we should just lock our stuff away whilst he is here, but that would be very difficult if other friend's kids bring their tablets/phones/money.

He probably won't even want to come but I want to spell it out beforehand just in case he turns up.

What do you all think? Am I being unsupportive? I'm sure if it was one of mine I would understand the reasons mine were being excluded.

How old is he?

If at the age to be doing such things he probably won't want to come, how old are the other dc?

I would imagine that your friend wouldn't want to bring him anyway. She won't want to put him in a situation where he might cause problems at your house surely?

I'd imagine she'll be capable of making the judgement herself as to whether to bring him and, if she does, I'd have thought she'll watch him like a hawk.

I think it would be incredibly inconsiderate to specify that he is not invited...

(though I completely understand your reasons for not wanting him there, but I think you have to let your friend make that judgement).

I don't think you'd be being unsupportive, you're trying to protect your home, family and friends.

It wouln't be supportive to pretend there is nothing the matter and try and treat him as you would if he weren't stealing, being violent and doing drugs.

Maybe your friend woul apreciate the respite of seeing her friends and their families without the worry.

He's 16, the other kids that will be here will range from 8 to 17/18.

I don't think it will be possible for the mum or us to watch him like a hawk as people will be spread out in the garden and the house, not contained in one area.

On the occasions I have seen him I've found it very hard to even be civil to him, knowing what I know about how he has treated his home, mother, siblings. It's all a horrible mess.

How close are you to the mum? Could you talk to her about your worries about how you don't want to exclude him but that you're not sure how you can safeguard everyone properly?

He probably wouldn't want to come anyway - wouldn't he perceive the get together as terribly uncool?

Easy for me to say, but I'm with your DH. What motivation will he ever have to sort himself out if people treat him like a leper?

Can you imagine what would happen if something goes missing, even if it then turns up later? I'd imagine his mother would be on edge the whole time he was in your house as well. Talk to her. I'm sure it will hurt for her to hear it but the alternative would be not inviting them at all or monitoring her son every second. I'd imagine all the other DC know what he's been doing. They'll hardly be welcoming.

I'm sure she would understand why you wouldn't want him there, but she might not be able to come herself. I doubt they'd want to leave him home alone either, would they?

I wouldn't invite him either though. I couldn't - because not only would your stuff be at risk, but so would all your guests' stuff, and his mum would be on tenterhooks as well the whole time - no one would be able to relax. :(

Invite the whole family you cant single him out because he is like this you cant be supportive of your friend then exclude him it might make her feel worse a breezy open family invite he might not want to come anyway.

I don't think you can assume he won't want to come, sadly he might see a house full of people as a soft target. I think you need to be honest with your friend regarding your concerns.

Yeah thats true he might, talk to ask her what she thinks maybe put it as giving her a break from him slant rather than not wanting him there in case he kicks off or steals, your friend would feel responsible for his behaviour if hes there or not (if that makes sense)

Difficult to know what to do. Prob best to speak to my friend but I'm worried she'll want to include him as, understandably, she wants to go out as a normal family and not the nightmare shes been living, but it would be unlikely to turn out like that.

Another thought is that only a couple of families invited know their situation. It's not my place to tell them her problems but if the DS is likely to nick their stuff then they surely need to know the risks.

Don't invite any of them, sorry, not fair to put them in that difficult situation. You can see your friend one-on-one another time.

Your poor friend that sounds a complete nightmare

I think you just have to be upfront with your friend. Tell her that you would love to invite her and her family but the logistical risks of her DS being there are too much to deal with in a party situation and you don't want to put her or anyone else under that level of strain. It's all very well her wanting to put a "normal" face on things, but all she's really doing is putting immense pressure on herself to keep an eye on the boy, and putting her friends at risk of being stolen from.

It's an utter nightmare, as Mrsj says, but I don't think you can put yourself, your friend and the rest of the guests through it - so either don't even tell her about the meet up, or tell her but explain that you can't invite her son because it's too risky and leave it up to her whether she wants to come without him or not. She may be hurt, but if he's been stealing from local businesses as well as family, he's not going to baulk at a few people he doesn't even know that well, is he. And how much worse would it be for her if he was caught in the act by people she knows. :(

I've been on the other side of this, when family and friends anniversary party was ruined. A phone went missing. The host had left it on a kitchen shelf, where he usually puts it.
It has never turned up.
Everyone there was close family, close friends and friends children. Two children were only 6, the others late teens.
The anniversary night was spent going through the bins. Not great after a large all day barbecue party. All in vain of course.

To say the party went sour is a bit of an understatement. There's now a cloud over the friendships with the parents of the teens.

Thanks for all your replies and experiences. I'll have a chat to friend today. I don't want to exclude her, she desperately needs these social things to get away from the horrors at home at the mo. I'm worried about her health, she's lost so much weight and seems close to breaking point. This has all been going on for about 8 months. I just feel helpless and wish I could do more.

Find it really frightening how quickly such a lovely family can change. And worries me sick about my own DCs going down the druggie route.

how did it go, mbaS?

Did you speak to her?