16 year old stepson dealing drugs

[Blackcedar]

Hello mums, I really need your help. I am worried about my 16 year old stepson. He lives with his mum and her husband, I live with his dad about an hour's drive away. Last night his mum phoned us in hysterics as she'd just discovered his stash of cannabis - and he told her he'd been dealing for about a month. We went over to try and calm things down and to talk to him. When he stormed off to his bedroom I left his parents to talk and followed him upstairs. We chatted for an hour or so. What scares me is that he is completely seduced by the lifestyle of the dealers "above" him, with their flash cars, clothes, houses, and money to throw around. He is really cocky and thinks he knows everything and is untouchable, and he tells so many lies to his family. He told me the dealers say he is special and so he "knows things about them that only a few others know," they tell him that they trust him and they "talk a lot of sense". He ran away from his mum's for a week recently - of course he was with the dealers. He spends all day every day walking back and forth to collect drugs, deal drugs, deliver cash to the dealers. He told me he has been stopped and searched by the police but got away with it as he hides his stash in his underwear, though they confiscated his grinder, and he's been mugged at knifepoint by another dealer but wasn't hurt as he handed his stash over. He told me quite smugly that his mum only found "a tiny bit" of his stash, which she made him take back to the dealers, so I think the rest is still in her house - she is so distressed and fragile that I can't tell her this or anything else we discussed. He says he wants to join the army and he says he's lost lots of friends over his dealing, but he doesn't want to stop because it's "the only exciting thing [he] gets to do". I mostly just listened but I gently talked to him about the dealers grooming and using him, about the risks to him and his family, about how it could stuff up his career. He gets his GCSE results this week and he knows they won't be good, but he says it doesn't matter because his "dealers say I'm the best at maths, cos I don't need a calculator". So after a very late night, this morning I called Frank to get some advice and they suggested some local sources of family drugs support which I've passed on to his mum and dad. In the meantime, have any of you mums experienced this with your own teenagers and do you have any advice? I feel well out of my depth but I want to try and help. Thank you so much

Hi

I don't have any first hand experience with teenagers dealing, but a family members son did have a brush with this sort of thing not too long ago and I figured any response would be better than none! You are in a very privileged (unfortunate) position right now. You have his trust and he has told you a hell of a lot of what is happening. This must feel like such a huge burden to you, so I hope you have discussed it with your partner and I totally understand why you feel his mum may not be able to deal with the information just yet. Could her partner perhaps? As someone should know exactly what is happening in his home, especially if you think more drugs are being stored there. The bragging/bravado is obviously a veil for a very lost boy and I don't think it's a coincidence that he has told you so much. I think deep down he wants and needs your help/intervention.

Obviously I don't know your personal living/working situation or how his parents split, but is there any way he could stay with you for a bit? An hours drive, confiscation of any mobile/online devices may be far enough away from the dealers to get him out of immediate trouble/danger.

It sounds like he has totally lost interest in any normal kind of hobbies / interests and this needs to be addressed. Could spending more time with his dad, or other male family members be possible? I remember very well how I felt as a teenager and I definitely thought I was the first to do anything remotely naughty or bad, so this is a good enough reason for any cocky behaviour. If he is interested in the army, is there any kind of course he could be sent on to get him away and to see if he still likes it / can get him engaged in the discipline of it? Perhaps a youth boxing or cadets club could be found for him? He sounds like he could be a little lost and the real danger is he starts a slippery slope towards harder drugs (using himself/dealing), which could really mess up his life and potentially land him in real trouble.

Sometimes a hard, sharp, shock could help change the direction he is currently intent on taking. Perhaps a visit to a drugs rehabilitation centre to see the effects of what can happen, a homeless shelter which helps addicts or maybe a trip to the cells?

Also, what about getting him some work experience in some form of hard labour type job. Somewhere that'll keep him busy during the day and so knackered in the evening that he just can't be arsed to walk around for the dealers?

Calling Frank is a great first step and there must be some other organisations out there that can help too. In the meantime, if it is at all possible, I think the best first step would be to remove him out of harms way and away from the dealers who, as you say, are grooming him (way too successfully). Good Luck!

Thanks so much mebo81 for your thoughtful reply. Yes I told my partner exactly what I'd heard as we drove home. I can't see it working well him coming to us (he would literally have to be dragged kicking and screaming, as he knows we're tougher than! and we both work full time so couldn't keep an eye on him during the day) but he has older stepbrothers locally who may be able to provide support. I like your ideas about the courses, work experience etc and will ponder these with my partner when he's home from work. Thanks again :-)

It's difficult to drag them away when they've got a whole group of powerful people manipulating them and telling them they're amazing. I agree with the first comment though that it's a good idea to try and take them as much out of that environment as you can. Or at least that's what my friend who worked as a policeman in Brixton told me. He said when teenagers get involved with gangs the best thing is to try to see if there's somewhere you can send them so they can have some thinking space without the pressure coming from the gang.

Hope you all the best x

Thank you Mhairi1984. Quick update - we've got him signed up to counselling at a local drugs rehab centre with his mum (remains to be seen if he'll go though!) and we are looking into getting him into the army now, rather than aged 18, if his mum agrees... the latter may be a sticking point though as she doesn't want to lose her baby and despite all she is willing to take his word that he has given up dealing since we spoke to him on Tues - it's glaringly obvious to me he hasn't :-( V grateful for your support anyway.