"I make an effort for people who matter to me." How do I deal with this?

[TheyreMadITellYouMaaaad]

14yo ds, strong Asperger traits (no assessment or diagnosis) frequently behaves to his siblings in a way that I see as nasty, but he sees as reasonable. When challenged "Would you treat your friends this way?" or similar, he generally responds with something along the lines of "I make an effort for people who matter to me." He's quite up front that family doesn't matter, he doesn't care about us.

Yet he loves us, just doesn't see why he should make any effort to behave in a socially acceptable manner with us if he doesn't feel like doing so.

I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

Basically you want him to pretend to like the family? Over time he will learn that. Once he knows it will make his life easier he will conform to the socially acceptable norm.

You can't force him to like the family, do you like everyone in yours?

Do you buy him Birthday and Xmas presents, or give him an allowance? I'd stop all that straightaway. After all, he wouldn't be wanting gifts from people who "didn't matter" to him, would he?

oh dear, he's quite blunt, but really most teens are pretty similar. He's just more honest than most.

I guess if mine I would come back with really pressing home the point (with evidence) that maybe we do matter to him, he's just pretending to self that we don't.

You're trying to appeal to his conscience as if he knows what acceptable social norms are. You need to be far more direct, I think. "We don't x, y, z when someone annoys us....". Or 'walk away and cool down'.

I try that, lougle, and he either shrugs or asks - equally directly! - "why not?".

I'm not sure at whom your "walk away and cool down" is directed. He's usually quite calm during these interchanges, I'm the one that gets worked up when I can't get him to see an alternative point of view.

Cdtaylornats, no, I don't wang him to pretend to like all the members of his family. What I want him to do is to treat them all with consideration.

What exactly is he doing that you and presumably the rest of the family see as inconsiderate? Taking their stuff? Spending forever in the only bathroom? Ignoring them when they say hello?

Setting house rules for everyone might help, then it's not just him?

I agree about setting house rules. Also ask him how he would like it if the rest of the family behaved towards him the same way he behaves towards them.