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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Just had a run in with sister

19 replies

Suger · 21/11/2006 20:56

My sister has just been on the phone telling me that the entire family think my son is out of control and that it's my fault. Last week we let him go to a fair with his friends, it was a saturday night so no school in the morning, I told him to be back in by 10pm, at 11pm I phoned his mobile and there was no answer (repeat 3 times) and finally at midnight he picks up all cherpy saying he's on his way home, this meant him walking on his own (left his freinds) at midnight around a very quiet/not too good area. I was furious and he knew I was and apologised. This is the incident that has apparantly cause the family to think he is out of control, I just wanted some opinions really, I just think he's a normal teenager!

Aparantly I'm also wrong to allow him to have "mucky" posters of women on his bedroom wall, personally I don't see the problem, he's just a typical teenage lad imo.

Apart from this the only other trouble I've had with him is the odd bit of bother at school (nothing too serious) and he walked out of a meeting he was supposed to be at for the school council.

So is he out of control? he's 13 btw.

OP posts:

2Shoes · 21/11/2006 21:09

he doesn't sound out of controlled.
but was shocked he was out that late.
Mune is 14 and I am a learner is that a normal time?

southeastastra · 21/11/2006 21:18

i would worry loads if my ds(just 13) was out that late and walking home alone. the pictures on the wall i wouldn't be happy about either, but i suppose eventually they want them

saadia · 21/11/2006 21:26

Maybe they are worried about the future and think that it's all a slippery slope.

My dss are 2 and 4 so I'm not sure what to expect from 13yr olds but I wouldn't be happy about being a 13yr old being out so late, and about any kind of bother at school, but I am probably being a bit ignorant about the real world.

juuule · 21/11/2006 21:59

I have 19y, 16y and 14y boys. I would be worried if at 13y any of them had been out at 10 or 11 oclock particularly if I didn't know where they were. To be honest even still want to know where the 16yo is when he goes out(although he has gone off radar a few times since he turned 15).
I personally would not be happy if they had 'mucky' photos up on their bedroom walls even now.

sunnysideup · 21/11/2006 22:12

On first reading of the thread I thought he must be 16 or 17....I do feel the being out that late, and the posters, are inappropriate for someone of 13 if you want an honest opinion!

I think 10pm at a fair is too late for a child of that age and would prob. have arranged things differently....I would have (discreetly) picked hi up at 9pm perhaps...if no car then I would have said go in the daytime not at night!

I think 13 is very young to be allowed to have sexy posters of women up too. He's still so young and needs laods of time to mature yet - he's still learning how to relate to women, particularly girls at school and I just think there's no rush with the sexy stuff. He needs to get really good at talking to and relating to girls as equals and friends, something which many 13 yr olds are at a very beginning stage with...

Rein him in a bit, I reckon, just for a couple of years maybe - he is still very much a child, not really a teenager in the accepted sense of what that is....

sunnysideup · 21/11/2006 22:15

oops meant to say that your sister sounds as if she is putting things very strongly - he doesn't sound out of control, just like he needs some 'reining in', boundaries in other words.

Loshad · 21/11/2006 22:17

My Es1 is 13 and there is no way I'd let him stay out until 12, particulalry walking home on his own, nor would i permit mucky pictures on his walls - they are still very young. It does sound to me like your family is woried, particuarly if you add in walking out of a meeting at school. Personally i would set some much tighter boundaries with him - and ground him for a least a week over the fair incident.

bigfatred · 22/11/2006 07:59

yes it was too late and arrangements should be made to get him back and rules about checking in etc. but the posters? there's mucky and mucky. if it's just 'glamour' (bikinis and so on) what's the harm? better that than him having to peek at stuff covertly and probably therefore much stronger or downloading stuff onto his phone. not all teenage boys will be so open. i know many who have posters and many who don't.

bigfatred · 22/11/2006 07:59

oops

notagrannyyet · 22/11/2006 09:44

At 13 I think this was probably too much freedom too soon.
My 13 year old went to the fair for the first time with friends recently. We live in a village so for these lads it involved an 8 mile bus trip at 3pm, a few fairgound rides, a wander round the town (mainly looking at PC games!),something to eat , and the bus home. He arrived home at 7.30.
I have 2 older DSs now in their 20s and they would have had the evening out you discribed at 15/16. Even then I would have made sure we ( or another set of parents collected them by car before mid-night). This is after the last bus home and I wouldn't want then walking home alone.
The girly pictures wouldn't worry me too much as long as they were 'tasteful'.My eldest sons did buy some girly mags but I didn't allow pictures on the wall. This was mainly because they had younger siblings.

Beelliesebub · 22/11/2006 09:56

To be honest Suger I don't think he's out of control, he just seems like a typical teenager pushing the boundaries imho...but....I would ground him for a week when he comes in late again, he has to learn that he should've informed you he was going to be late out of respect and if he can't hear his phone he needs to put it up loud, he's got a phone so you can contact him.
I think 10 pm is fine for a weekend and at the end of the day he was with his mates. My two youngest are 14 & 15 and at weekends they have to be in at 10.30. I think it depends a lot on where you live as well. When we lived down south I was always panicking about where they were and what they were doing but now we live up north I find it a lot less stressful and I have adopted a far more laid-back approach. The trouble is, us mum's of teenagers have to walk a fine line between encouraging them to find their own identity and make their own decisions and at the same time trying not to lay the law down too much so they don't look like mamby pamby's to their peers, because like it or not at that age peer pressure is very important.
As for "mucky" posters, ds3 suddenly found an interest in the sun newspaper at the age of 11. It was soooooo funny when we moved, dh found about 40 newspapers hidden away in his room... so when we moved we bought him a tasteful girlie calendar and put it up for him.

notagrannyyet · 22/11/2006 09:56

I do think your sister ( and the entire family!) is/are are out of order.Out of control implies things like vandalisum, drinking, trouble with police etc.. This obviously isn't the case.

quanglewangle · 22/11/2006 23:40

I could have written this, except that my ds didn't really begin to push the boundaries to that extent until he was 15.

I don't think your ds is out of control. He had the sense to apologise which shows he does want to stay on the right side of you and isn't rebelling for the sake of it.

As for the pictures, at 17 my ds seems to be growing out of plastering them all over his walls. I think a touch of scorn and hints that it is childish helped. They are gradually falling off and he doesn't seem to be replacing them. Thank goodness.

themoon66 · 23/11/2006 10:40

Out of interest, does your sister have children herself? And, if so, are they teenagers yet?

I ask because I had a major run in with my own sister when she felt it was appropriate for her to critisise my child rearing skills, given that she has no kids of her own and never intends to!

Bozza · 23/11/2006 10:44

So what was your response to him coming in so late?

JanH · 23/11/2006 10:55

My DS2 is 13, he is the youngest of 4 so I am pretty lax with discipline by now (I have MN witnesses!) and I wouldn't dream of letting him out that late under those circs; so while he's not out of control I do think you are giving him a bit more freedom than is good for that age. (I wouldn't let him have rude posters either but that's my own hang-ups I think!)

I think yours is probably more mature than mine but still I agree with all those who've said he needs stricter boundaries for a bit, and definitely grounding over this incident.

As far as school is concerned I wouldn't be too worried about minor discipline issues, but what did he say about walking out of the council meeting? Why did he do it?

fortyplus · 29/11/2006 10:00

Suger - I was reading through your original post assuming that your son was about 15 and thinking that your family was being way too judgemental.

Then your last sentence... he's 13!!! Yes - for his age he is way out of control. It's not 'normal' for a child of that age to be out till 10 on his own let alone 11. Nor would I wish to see posters of women on his bedroom wall. My son is 13 and not ONE child of that age that I know has posters of women on their bedroom wall. In fact I know lots of 16, 17, 18 year old 'normal teenage lads' and they all stick to posters of cars, motorbikes, football teams etc.

You will have BIG trouble in a year or two if you don't set some firmer guidelines - that's if you haven't left it too late already. Sorry.

mumeeee · 29/11/2006 18:26

Sorry 1opm is to late for a 13 year old to be out and also to young to be making his own way home. He is still a child My youngest daughter is 14 and she is not allowed to be out that late unless it is for a special thing. Even then she would not be allowed to make her on way home. She recently went to a concert and was bought home by her friends Mum at other times we have picked her up. DD2 is 16 and although she is allowed to stay out until 10 she is always picked up. Also I don't agree with rude posters,

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