What can I say to make her see things more positively?

[themoon66]

The following is an msn conversation with my DD who is at uni... she is skint... i cannot seem to make her understand the concept of living within her means... do I seem unreasonable from this following conversation? (will take out RL names)
She is 'F' and I am 'M'

To set the scenario... she is a 2nd year fashion design student with a part time job in Debenhams paying her £200 a month. She also gets £75 a mont allowance from DH.

Sorry it's long....

FF says:
i owe all my wages out already and i dont get paid til a week on thursday
F says:
and iv still got to get through dec
M says:
who do you owe your wages to??

F says:
friends that have to lend me money
M says:
its all getting very messy it seems.
F says:
i lost my key so i had to get a new one
thats costing me £16
it wouldnt be if i had my loan
i HAD to ask my friends
Dad would of gone crazy if i asked him for like the 100th time this year
M says:
dad says... he gave you 50 quid this week?
F says:
£50 is nothing
Loo roll
Food
Fabric
thread
pattern paper
M says:
nothing??? I beg to differ... works out at 10 quid a day for every working day
F says:
sketch books
yeah fashion magazines are £5 a pop
phone credit
top -up on my print card
M says:
stop using your phone dad says
M says:
get the printer from grandma's garage
F says:
u and dad do a degree and you'll understand
M says:
dad says he has done degree.... you cheeky monkey
F says:
yeah like 50 years ago
M says:
dad is now going..... ooooh bitch!
F says:
The fashion department has no money given to it by the uni
M says:
why?
F says:
i wish i new
M says:
ask them what the fees are for then.
F says:
yeah jsut like that
i can ask til im blue the face - still have to buy everything to be able to past this degree
M says:
so what do you suggest then?
F says:
i dont know mum - i just want my loan
its really pissing me off and its getting me down more and more every day
M says:
I know sweetie.... but i dont know what to suggest.
F says:
i walking around with one heel on a boot because i cant afford to get them reheeled -and they are my only waterproof foot wear
i freeze everyday because i cant even afford a £40 winter coat
M says:
well i took you to buy a coat and you wouldnt have one!
F says:
did u look at them they were granny coats
you'd would jsut been wasting your money
M says:
but even granny coats stop you freezing
M says:
ok... you dont like the coats.... how about thermal vests?
F says:
doesnt matter u dont understand
M says:
nobody can see them... no fashion issues
M says:
how much? dad says
F says:
how much what
M says:
ok.... soooo......
think back... what have you spent this month on course materials (everything) plus food?
F says:
ok
£50/60 on fabric (i know its a lot but im makin a coat and coat fabric isnt cheap)
£40 on food + about £5/10 on milk bread and fruit
£10 on pattern paper
£60 on fancy paper/ribbon etc... for sketch books
£50 on myself - like always and face cream shampoo body wash toothpast spot cream, face wash, deodorant
M says:
dad bought you sketch books didnt he?
F says:
no
M says:
dad is doing calculations now
F says:
not the ones that u had in
M says:
how much does debenhams pay you a month?
F says:
£200 a month
M says:
plus 75 from dad
you are spending 220 a month..... but you are getting 275 coming in.... are you forgetting something??
F says:
oh yeah living mum!
M says:
Nooo.... living is what you just set out above for us... food etc
F says:
no u said course and food
M says:
food is living
F says:
ok so i eat food and sit on my own in my room in my house and see no- one
i hate to say it mum but im a people person
M says:
seeing people doesnt cost money
F says:
yes i do but they dont just sit in .
i would be dead by now
M says:
oh miss drama queen
M says:
Oh F... I love you.... it's my fault... i'm a bad mother... I spoilt you too much
F says:
this is the 3rd night iv spent on my own because i cant afford to do ANYTHING with my freinds
i just dont like being on my own
M says:
3rd night ..... i used to stay in for 3 bloody months when i was skint!!! get real
F says:
im not u
just forget eveything
u clearly dont understand how down its getting me
M says:
yes i understand.... been there, done that
F says:
yeah years ago mum
M says:
time is nothing to do with it
F says:
things are much different now
and BIG thing
me and you arent the same person
M says:
nobody is..... its about living within your means
F says:
ok
M says:
just coz I was skint, and dad was skint and we never went out, doesnt mean we were happy with it like that you know..
F says:
yeah u had each other
iv got no one
M says:
come and sit in this house then, with us
F says:
no one to talk to about my problems or just feeling down
F says:
FORGET IT
F says:
iv tried to explan u you are just not getting me at all
i cant be bothered
M says:
.... you are not getting ME at all. I can sympathise coz ive been there. Dad has been there. Who best to sympathise?
F says:
ok im a spoilt cow and i hate to say it

........ she ended the conversation here and signed out in a sulk... should I give her the money and bail her out (her overdaft is £1,400). I would need to get a loan myself to do this.

is there anyone in your village who drives into lincoln everyday? she could come home and pay them petrol money ,cheaper than rent. Tell her to troll round the charity shops for a coat ,put new bottons on or a new lining ,should be able to get one for £5 .

I think £20 a week is a brilliant idea, much easier to cope with that than a monthly amount.

I do have huge sympathy for her as I did an arts based degree at uni and the costs are just so much more than for other more book-based courses. I know she could probably get ribbon cheaper at the market but she will honestly be having pressures put on her in terms of the design and execution of her work - I can't say strongly enough that she needs to be able to get the right tools for the course, otherwise there is no point her doing it. I speak from bitter personal experience - my parents could only afford to give me £10 a week and that was for food, transport, art materials....pretty unrealistic, huh; and yes it did come down to me thinking, well I can't do a worksheet for that project because I want to eat this week; and yes it did affect my grade at the end; I failed and with hindsight this really was largely due to not being able to buy the materials demanded by the course.

I didn't hassle my parents for more money though, which your dd has no compunction in doing so I think she will be alright

If she is pissing the money away at the student bar then be strong; you are doing the right thing in helping her by not giving in, and I'm sure the weekly allowance will help her budget.

But I guess my point is what she says about having to spend money on materials, and the RIGHT materials, is important.

Thank you for your input Sunnyside. I think we WILL go down the £20 a week every monday route. I will also suggest she trawls around the charity shops for a basic coat, which she can update herself (she is studying fashion after all).

I do know that she buys her fabric, ribbon, buttons etc from the local market when she can. It's the sketch books and paper and stuff that is costly.... things like mount board. There is only one local supplier.

One of my gripes is with the uni itself TBH. They give her such short notice of things... like saying 'oh, you all need mountboard by tomorrow afternoon'. I do not understand why they cannot give us a list of essential materials at the beginning of the year, like academic courses would give you a reading list. That way we could go and bulk buy in Nottingham or something. Or club together with other skint parents and bulk buy. But the issue with the uni is another thread in itself LOL

Oh I so know what you mean about the Uni....and that's why arts courses are so expensive, because they DON'T have to provide a list of necessary materials at the beginning of the year; in my view this lets some badly planned courses off the hook, because they CAN make things up as they go along to an extent, and then expect the students to provide the goods.

I think your point is a really good one and I think you should write to the uni and tell them how hard this is on you as a family...at least if there's pressure they may change things one day!