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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

going to uni open days with you or their friends?

39 replies

mumof2kidz · 21/06/2015 09:11

Hi all,

Over the past week my DD has been going to Uni open days with her friends on the train. She has asked her father if he will take her to an open day on Friday which is around a 2 hr drive because the train tickets are too expensive and she can't afford it out of her own money.

However, DH has told her he will take her but doesn't really want too and said if he is busy with work (he is self employed) then he won't be able to take her. DD's boyfriend is also going to the same open day and has offered her lifts, but I don't really want them to go together as I don't want DD to go somewhere just so she can be with him.

Am I being unreasonable about DD's uni choices? I really don't want her to move out, but she seems adamant that she wants to for the student expierence. Both me and DH didn't go to Uni so this is a fairly new expierence for us trying to get our heads around the prices and application process etc.

DD works on weekends and I work in the week so DD is having to miss college to go. Am I being selfish for not booking a day off work to go with her and making her go with her friends? I want DD to be educated, I just really don't want her to leave home.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 24/06/2015 06:24
  • I have been to university but not in the US and DD1 had never been of course, so it was a learning process for both of us..
Original poster
mumof2kidz · 24/06/2015 07:07

hi everyone
thanks for all your replies I'm just worried about financially coping - husband is taking her on Friday to one but she has paid for others herself. She is working part time at weekends and earning around £400 a month so I don't see why she shouldn't find it.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumof2kidz · 24/06/2015 07:08

I should add that I've also been paying for her to have an extra driving lesson a week recently since her test is next week

OP posts:
TantrumsAndBalloons · 24/06/2015 07:15

OP, my dd is also working part time and going to open days but we are helping her out with train fares- I don't see why you wouldn't unless you can't afford it.

It is a major decision and I honestly think this is when they need a bit of support from parents.

Dd has been to 2 with her friends and is going to another with her school on Saturday. However her first choice Uni open day was on Saturday and she asked me to come with her to give her my opinion, to look at the different accommodation options etc.

lljkk · 24/06/2015 09:55

Does living at home while at Uni work out cheaper? I thought the finances were more complicated than that.

Talismania · 24/06/2015 16:27

I'd give her a bit of help financially to afford open days if it were me. 400 a month is a very low wage she will need to be prepared to work a bit more if she wants to get her own place for Uni (which I strongly recommend over halls a shared flat is better because it's not limited to term time and for Just a little extra money you get a much higher standard of living than halls)

Original poster
mumof2kidz · 24/06/2015 19:05

talismania: For a part time job working 12 hours a week on a Saturday and Sunday, £400 is a pretty decent amount of money - she gets paid £9.90 an hour on a Sunday, but some of her friends are being paid £3.70 an hour on zero hour contracts so she's in a good position. I don't ask her for any board and pay for all her toiletries, school bus and dinner money and £20 a week towards an extra driving lesson. DD would rather me pay for her extra driving (she also pays for a lesson) than a train fare. We have booked an open day together in October and hopefully she'll be able to get the day off work for this. Her dad is also taking her to one on Friday.

She and a friend are going tomorrow - train fare £25ish. To some mums this may not seem like a lot but giving £40 a week to my daughter who is working and has the money seems wrong to me as it is too expensive as I also have a son who is not getting all this extra pocket money. DH's business isn't doing the best at the minute either but he's still agreed to take the day off for her.

OP posts:
Talismania · 25/06/2015 01:11

It's not pocket money thought its investing in her future.

If she can afford the visits herself then that's great, but if there's some she can't I think you should help her as finding the right uni is massively important for her career.

mathanxiety · 25/06/2015 03:18

I think the money isn't as important as the active encouragement, participating in the process of evaluating universities, asking her what she thought of various places and why, and generally showing her you are on board with her plans.

I think £400 is quite a lot per month if she doesn't have to pay room and board or buy toiletries, etc. If she is putting a large chunk of it aside then she will be able to use it for her expenses while she's away at university. Driving lessons are a great investment, very worthwhile to spend money on.

Having her pay her own fare as much as possible should help her develop some idea of budgeting and get out of the idea that mum and dad are good for expenses that crop up, which is often an issue with teens at university. The more independence the better imo. Just be careful that she doesn't get the impression that you are holding back on money because of qualms about her leaving home for university. Have a frank conversation with her about money in case there are misapprehensions on her part.

shouldnthavegoogledit · 25/06/2015 08:02

But ... won't she be increasingly out of your hair financially in the future? I mean, I know it's never as simple as "leaves home, doesn't need money again", but she's forging a path to independence and future wealth of her own which will help you all? And also ... will your son need this specific kind of help one day too? If so, you're just staggering the sharing. If not, there might be other early career costs he needs help with one day, like travelling to interviews - could you explain it to him that way?

BackforGood · 27/06/2015 00:42

I don't understand why you wouldn't want her to be able to jump in with her boyfriend if he is going to the same open day Confused.
That's just perfect if you can find someone else going to the same open day, and then either offer them a lift or get a lift off them. Because they are visiting the same open day it doesn't mean they will go to the same University, and if they do, well, that's just life sometimes.

The 'going away from home' part of University is as important as the degree, IMVHO.

ExConstance · 28/06/2015 13:20

Chosing a university is a bit of a balancing act. DS1 knew exactly where he wanted to go so we didn't go with him and just went through his choices as a sounding board. DS2 went on his own as the unis were "up north" in the main and again in reality his choices were one of two that offered the somewhat specialised course he wanted to do. His experience was that as one of the few students on his own the tutors and older students showing them round spoke to him more and he got a better idea of what the courses were about. We paid his fares, but I wonder why as his disposable income ( working weekends like OP's daughter) was far in excess of ours.

bstokegirl · 29/06/2015 16:50

OP, I would pay for the petrol/train fare for the open days, this is part of your daughter's education and she needs your support. Let her choose where she wants to go, but help her to do it. Some places are hideously expensive to live in and she needs to know she'll be paying for it later.

bstokegirl · 29/06/2015 16:52

Having seen the other posts, she can pay for the fare herself if she has that much spare cash!

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