Dd physically attacked me today

[perfectpeach]

She has a vile temper and it's not the first time she's been physically violent towards me though it's not frequent, but the nastiness is on a daily basis

She had her phone confiscated today for constant sarcasm and back chat. She then grabbed and pulled at me trying to get it back, and when she couldn't get at it she then kicked me and hit me round the back of the head

She's 14. My other, much younger child was terrified and hysterical.

Feel like crap. The Dr and her school were useless when I asked for help. She likely has pathological demand avoidance disorder but getting a formal diagnosis or help is proving tricky

Fed up of constantly walking on egg shells round her

People here obviously have a wealth of knowledge about challenging teenagers..not knocking that..but this child needs a different approach.

OneInEight your approach sounds more appropriate here.

Op, I don't know if you've ever seen The PDA Resource?
(I imagine you have, but thought I'd post this just in case.)
There may be some strategies that might help, reducing demands, working out how to let her be in control more.
Is there any chance you could print out the PDA booklet and fill in the extreme avoidance questionnaire to take to your gp, or into school, to see if they will connect the dots and see that there's an issue?

PDA booklet

Again, you've probably seen this, but just in case you haven't.

Hope things have calmed down this morning

Hi everyone - we're going to pop this thread over to Teenagers at the OPs request.

Oh god, I logged it with police in the hope that the Dr would take things more seriously and refer her to camhs. Now they want to come talk to me and are logging it with social services

That sounds scary, but I've heard that in cases like this SS can be far more helpful that CAMHS (who are a pile of shit in many circumstances), so this could mean that you are finally listened to.

My DD could be yours although touch wood we have only had one incident of violence also happened removing her phone. Get reffered anyway my DD wouldnt talk to CAMHS so they observed her in school/home and asked everyone at school/home for very detailed accounts. She did have to go to diagnosis but didnt talk just eye rolled! My DDs school are no different with a diagnosis so its not done as id hoped. She is also always out of class/on report/ teetering on brink of exclusion she also thinks the worlds against her bordering on paranoia! I wonder if they go to the same school this sounds very similar

I don't know what to do for the best

Are things as they are right now, for the best? The best you could hope for? Anything you do (like phoning police or SS) will set a train of stuff in action that is partly beyond your control, could be worse, could be better. My gut feeling is to phone SS, btw, it won't stick on her record forever like police involvement would, if she ever has DBS done in future. She could end up in foster care, though, refusing to come home, this might still be a good thing.

Camel I actually did mean it. Because I respect your knowledge as I said but it just doesn't apply here.

Firm boundaries and putting foot down are the worst things for PDA, which is anxiety based.

But i respect people who know about teenagers because I don't have one.

I agree in regards to PDA but as DD has to learn society won't adjust to their disabilities just as future employers etc won't. Sounds harsh but in my experience seeking a diagnosis has not changed much not everyone believes these disabilities and just think "naughty child, bad parenting" even with support saying otherwise from various agencies. This isn't my opinion but my experience. Im off the opinion now that building resiliance is key as people don't make allowances (not all but many).

Yes true..but there are ways of managing it better than just standard strong discipline, is my point really.

Op, google Non violent resistance.

I am currently training in this so don't want to make recommendations but have a look, I think it's a really good way of approaching this problem.

OP i'm sure you feel terrible right now- but you have done the right thing. You have an innocent child to protect- and what your doing is out of love. If you didn't love her you wouldn't of done it, despite what your head might be telling you right now. I hope she gets some help and you can eventually move on from this

//- take your pick (although i'm sure nobody will judge you if you take all three )

Sounds like by referring you to all to SS you may get access to the help you need?

Push for CAHMS, hard..
I have the opposite to most posters, in that I have SS and CAHMS 'support' and my SW's have been on a par with a chocolate teapot.
My CAHMS contact however is awesome and works really hard to engage with DS, he's on a hiding to nothing but my goodness does he try.

I would call the police quite honestly, we had all the diagnoses chucked around, PDA, ODD, the lot.. By the time we had him diagnosed with having no diagnosis, totally beyond anyone's control.

She might be scared, she might be anxious but you have to protect yourself and it needs to be clear that however anxious she is, that particular way of dealing with it can't be acceptable. I wish I had done it earlier before we got to where we are now...

Don't worry peaches. This situation will only get worse without support. SS have been an amazing source of support for me and DD, they are not to be feared.

Do try to keep the dog if you can. It would feel like a huge betrayal to her if he went. And for my nephew, ditto Ds at times, it is the only thing he relates to. Seriously. That unconditional love is critical.

Thanks all. I know what you mean about the dog which is why he is still with us if even only tenuously. She adores the dog and I know she will be crushed and devastated without him. However, he adds to an already volatile and stressful situation. He just can not be left alone, he has the worst separation anxiety. She won't listen to any of the advice I have sought regarding it so she makes things worse and it means that either I or her always has to be at home. One of our neighbours wouldn't hesitate in making complaints about us every time he is left and makes a noise. I can't let him jeopardise our tenancy.

The police contacted me about coming over to take a statement, they didn't turn up the first time and then they've always been too busy to come when it would be a good time for me, when my youngest is at nursery and I can talk uninterrupted.

I looked into my local CAMHS and found out I can't self-refer but I phoned them anyway and told them I was desperate and how I had kept trying to get her referred but no matter which GP I spoke to none would refer her. The duty specialist from CAMHS phoned me back and was wonderful, she let me tell her about everything and then asked me a few questions. She also thought it was definitely worth getting DD assessed for PDA, and also ASD. She gave me lots of advice and though I couldn't self-refer she told me exactly what to say to the GP to get them to refer DD. I have an appointment on Monday so I am going to go in armed with a list of DD's behaviours and also what the CAMHS lady said and tell them that I have spoken to CAMHS and they want her referred to them.

That was a really good way to handle the situation. Getting the exact wording from CAMHS is a great idea. They know the "buzz words" to tell the GP. Good luck on Monday.

Well done.

Good luck for tomorrow.

Completely understand about the dog. Does she ?