What is right?

[Worn0utm0m]

Hello, I'm very new to all this but I really and truly am at my wits end. I have 3 teenagers. 2 on the ASD spectrum. One far more so than the other. My eldest is very high functioning, 19, has a full time job and the common sense of a fried egg but with careful management we get there. He can be very aggressive, abusive etc...and nothing is ever his fault. Usually it is!!!
Youngest is also ASD and attends special needs school. She is 16 and very very very hard work 24/7. There is no let up ever and I devote the majority of my time to her. Middle one is 18 and a total drama queen. I agree she has had to deal with more than most but it's her attitude I have the most problems with. She has finished college and works whilst applying for unis. She earns app £1000 a month. She has worked pt for over 2 years which has enabled her to get driving, get a car etc..We have helped with this.
She has a fab life. Goes out for dinner couple of times a week, goes on holiday frequently, cinema etc... I never want her to feel stuck like I feel sometimes. However I have spoke to her about board. Her dad works his socks off, that's our only income. I have asked her for £50 a week and been told I'm vile and mean. She has told everyone this. I do all the cooking,cleaning,washing,ironing, lunches. I buy all the shopping, toiletries, tampax etc..but it's expensive and we barely make it through the month. I had to pay board when I worked. My son pays the same board and yet she refuses. It's the horrid things she is saying about me though that's really hurt me. So what's right? Should I stand my ground and make her pay board or should I do one as she says.
Please note I'm not a wimp but I am constantly exhausted and my fight left me years ago. I use it all up fighting to stay awake and on top of things.
Sorry for such a long first post.

Does your eldest pay board?

Imo both of your two oldest should be paying the actual cost of board - why should your Dh work all hours to pay for food for them while they swan about with a thousand a month?

Does anyone else in your house have a grand to spend a month on fun? Nope, thought not.

I can hear how tired you are - are they able to function high enough to move out? Because honestly they can afford it and it would be much better for you.

Just seen your eldest is paying - of course your DD should pay. Why does she think she shouldn't pay?

Tell her to pay up or move out.

Yep, contribute or move out. She is an adult. Tough shit basically.

Normally I would expect an 18 year old planning to go to uni to be supported by parents and I wouldn't ask for board from part time earnings, BUT, in this case I think it's different. It's her being vile and mean not you.
She has a very good income and you have no spare cash. I might even think differently if she were putting it all away to live off at uni but that doesn't sound like the case.
I would divide all the monthly outgoings of the house by five and show her. Then ask for a contribution. Maybe not her full share but at least £200 a month. You could offer to accept less if she takes on a good chunk of the chores that you are doing.
And stop buying her toiletries!

Thank you for all your lovely replies. Apparently it's unfair and mean to expect any financial contribution from her. She earns it, she keeps it. Why should she pay anything? It's my job to look after her. It all sounds so silly when typed here but she is very good at belittling me and I usually walk away as have much bigger battles to concentrate on.
I have told her to hand up £50 a week or find somewhere else where she gets everything for that amount. She laughed at me and said I would never throw her out!
She has till Friday.
As for chores well.....they really are beneath her! I'm ashamed to say I have brought up a child with a sense of entitlement and I've no idea how. My other two are nothing like this. We are nothing like this. We don't have huge amounts but we share everything with anyone.
I have,by writing this,realised how heartbroken I am.

It's hard to understand such a heartless response. Have you shielded her from how hard things are for you? Show her this thread. She should be ashamed.

No answer, I know, but I would stop doing her washing and ironing, making packed lunches and buying toiletries. Make life a little less easy for her.

And hold your nerve come Friday. Does your OH support you in telling her to leave?

Yes my oh is actually more willing to carry it out than I am. He feels she has taken the pee completely and makes me look a fool.

Another one ... no washing ironing or taxi fair ... give her price list of laundret .... stop buying toiletries and cooking food, clear a shelf in the fridge and a cupboard.. goes for wifi change password and any mobile bills you pay.

Her behaviour sounds disgusting, sorry OP but that's how it comes across.

Sounds simple to me (on the outside of it) if she can pay for luxuries she can pay for board, she should pay for board, it's only fair, she's an adult.

Boundaries, consistency and follow through are important. You need to be prepared to let-her-go. what will you do if she has not done anything to rent? What are your options? List local Travelodge and tell her she can pick her stuff up next week? It might get messy....are you physically and emotionally prepared?

Have you thought of 'taking the emotion out of the situation'? Invite her to sit with you as you want to give her some information. Tabulate the cost of rent locally (probably £500pcm+ for a room), plus estimates of what it costs to eat, shared bills, cost of storing her belongings etc. Make your very generous rent costs look good. they are!

If she relinquishes, what new guidelines for shared living will you introduce - house duties, shopping, cooking,? COURTESY?

Or perhaps she needs to leave home. Perhaps the greatest gesture of love (tough) you can give her is the taste of responsibility and independence.

Good luck. Let us all know how it goes Friday.

OP- tell your 18 year old what I do and see what she says:

I work sometimes 12 hour days as a volunteer. Yes, my choice- but I need to do it in order to get on the career ladder in my chosen career.

I leave work- I do the food shop, come home and cook dinner. I hoover, clean the bathrooms and kitchen, feed the animals, do the laundry and iron when needed. I sometimes don't get to bed until 11pm/12am and i'm up early for work- I have to leave the house before my parents get up otherwise I don't get out of the house.

Granted- I don't pay board but neither of my parents are working at the moment and they do jack shit around the house other than argue with me/each other/drink.

I haven't been on holiday in 7 years. I just about have enough money each month to put fuel in my car to get to work, pay my phone bill and have my nails done once.

Your DD needs a reality check- and if i'm honest, it sounds like she is using you and the fact you have to be so involved with your other children to her advantage- i'm sure there is a little envy there but she's an adult now and needs to start acting like one. If she refuses to pay board- refuse to do her washing, refuse to cook her meals, refuse to buy her food. Let the hurricane hit- walk away and rise above it

Your a human being- not a doormat.

just about to go through same with mine. Without all the money I got from maintenance, child benefit and tax credits, she needs to help out. She's having none of it because she's 17!!!!!! This really doesn't matter, she's chosen to leave education, has a full time wage etc so I expect her to contribute.
it's messy, I don't have any advice - just watching with interest.

Well,I thought you would all like an update. The fact I'm sat here crying should point you in the right direction. I got half her board and she has not spoke to me since. I literally am the crap on her shoes. She comes and goes as she pleases, eats, drinks, leaves her washing yet cannot talk to me. She has started such a chain reaction. I hate being at home. My son was due to pay his board today. He hasn't. Apparently he is going to stay at his mates for a few weeks so I can forget him paying. The youngest has gone into epic meltdown and my home is like a war zone. I don't know what to do. To top it all off I've just got in and the dogs have ate my sofa. I have £14 to last till the 1st of July. And yet we work so hard.
I feel like everything is just falling and I can't catch it or keep up. I'm sorry I've wrote this here but I can't talk to anyone. I'm such a quiet person
I wish they could see what they do to us.

Oh crikey! I'm so sorry you feel so let down by your daughter. She has let you down though. Did you actually show her this thread?
When you say you got half her board, do you mean she will only pay £100 per month? If so, follow through, change the locks. At 18 she is an adult and should have a bit of consideration for her family.

Ooh, I'm mad on your behalf!

Sounds awful

Maybe they're old enough that you shouldn't shield them from what it's doing to you?

Sit down as a family and present them with the problem. You can't carry on financially as you currently are, so the alternatives are: every working adult in the house pays their way, or you will have to downsize to a house that you and DP can afford. Show them your monthly budget with all the outgoings listed so that they can see what it costs to run a house (this is an important part of growing up anyway - they need to know).

It also sounds as though you are providing too much for them in terms of washing, cleaning etc. At their age they should be doing their own washing and doing their fair share of the cleaning etc. I would also expect, in a house with essentially five adults, that they will be doing some of the food shopping and cooking for you occasionally.

Stop buying their toiletries! That's just ridiculous when they're earning.

Their seems to have been a turning point with the last recession that young adults now expect to be able to continue living with their parents as adults. They seem to think it's their right and I think parents feel like they are 'bad' parents if they don't bend over backwards to suit their dear offsprings' requirements.

Once I had started earning I never would have assumed that I could just live with my parents. I would have asked them if I had needed to stay with them as an adult, and offered to pay board.

Strikes me you're making their life too nice at home!

Clearly 'there' not 'their'!

Worn I don't have any suggestions for you - mine are much younger so not at this point yet. Just wanted to let you know that you are a person and you deserve respect. Your daughter has had many years of perhaps getting her own way? It's only natural she's a bit miffed that you are standing up to her bad behaviour. Don't give in - the hardest part is the 1st step and you have taken it . Maybe ignore all rants etc from her for now and just focus on your youngest. I agree with the suggestion that you don't wash clothes buy toiletries etc for a bit