So unhappy at school

[Slippersmum]

My dd is 12 and has always struggled to maintain friendships but not massivley out of the realms of a lot of girls. We are now in a situation where she has very few friends at school and there is a lot of making fun of her appearance by some of the other students. Each day is a battle to get her into school and she walks off with her head hanging down. She has now started having symptoms such as an upset stomach and headaches. She either gets in touch with me to tell me she feels u well or signs herself out and walks home. I have been into school, sent copious e mails, gone in again, more phone calls and repeat. Then nothing changes. I think school view it as she is not really 'a victim' but someone who has made bad choices and now has to deal with it. To an extent I can see their perspective but she is so unhappy it really upsets me to see her like this. I have just run out of ideas. Please help with some ideas/suggestions etc. I have received wonderful advice here before. Sometimes when you are in the eye of the storm it's hard to keep perspective and find a way through. Thank you.

Bad choices??

You mention she has a few friends - does she socialise with them outside school hours?

By bad choices I guess I mean the fall outs with friends. (Poor choice of words sorry). But every teen does that don't they? She is very into sport but this overlaps with school so she is ignored by a number of the girls when she participates in that.

Do you believe she is being proper bullied? She should not be signing herself out of school. This is how school refusal starts.

What she describes is; whispering, gigging, staring, name calling, exclusion. I could go on. But school don't agree although through my job I find covert behaviour is hard to spot in groups of young people. I think school refusal may be the way we are headed with this tbh. She signed herself out last time when people were making fun of her appearance and in the next lesson she had no friends for support. I am so worn down by it. My dh works away mon to fri and right through some weeks so it all spins round in my head till I don't know which way to turn.

I'd pull her out, let her have a break, then look for a new school.

The only question is if there is an underlying issue, a change of venue wont solve the problem.

Is there an inclusion centre at her school or a somewhere she could go in school ?

i would be looking at changing school-the school sound useless

I agree.

I guess you don't feel there are any underlying issues?

If the school aren't doing anything to support despite you raising concerns (I am guessing you have been in and talked to relevant staff and alerted them to exactly how badly it is affecting her?), then I would pull her out and fresh start her somewhere else. But I would also ensure that the new school were fully aware of the issues and would want to know their strategies for supporting her before starting her there.

Thanks for everyone's replies. We have spoken about changing schools but we are very limited as we live in a small town. I am worried about underlying issues. I just can't work out what they are. This seems to happen over and over. If I move her am I just moving the problem?

If you are worried about underlying issues, you need to discuss at length with the school and push for referrals. Or try going the GP route.

You might find some useful advice on the SN boards

When you say the school think she has 'made bad choices' and the other girls 'make fun of her appearance' - can you be more specific? is there something unusual about her appearance?

also, i've seen this book recommended before as a kind of life coaching for kids www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Toolkit-Simple-Effective-Child/dp/009194015X/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1433334656&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=naomi+kids+life+coach

Does the school not have someone in charge of pastoral care? I would be looking to them to help her cope rise above and stay in school growing in confidence.

Maybe moving schools is a big step, however, how about asking if she can move forms? I'm assuming she is in year 7, so over the next couple of years she will be set for classes, be with different girls and also establish herself with the sports at school. Does she do lunchtime sports clubs and is she in the school teams? If so, she probably already has like minded girls that she knows who may not be yet classed as friends. I would ask to see her year head and discuss the options and also ask if she could have a mentor (an older student) or a prefect to support her. Maybe she would be able to open up to someone who isn't family or a teacher.

I have sent a very long email to the form tutor listing my concerns and she replied very promptly saying she to is worried. General gist; school believe she is not being bullied but from her descriptions to me it clearly falls under the definition of bullying. I also said I felt she was not reaching her academic potential as a result of these issues and the physical symptoms, headaches, upset stomach, being sick. Asked how we go about getting her a referral to the school counsellor.

So, what should I be saying when I go into school? (I feel a little anxious about this)! Wish I had someone to take with me but I don't so, what are your suggestions ........

Thanks again x

I am a firm believer that if a child is consistently unhappy at school then there is something wrong with the school environment, not the child.

If the school are not supportive and are somehow trying to imply the bullying is the victim's fault then that is just another warning sign the place is a dump.

The physical symptoms sound like she has quite bad anxiety really. Stomach pain, headaches, etc. All classic anxiety/stress symptoms.

does she have any friends? could she be depressed?

it is easier for the school to deny the behavior of the bullies than confront it. Especially when it is subtle like shunning, whispers, etc.

You need to go to school with a bullet pointed list of your concerns, and specifics as to the behavior you perceive as bullying. You need to ask for a referral from them to CAMHS for an evaluation. If the school is concerned as well, they should be able to do this for you. CAMHS is over stretched, so there is no guarantee she will get services but that is where I would start.

OP I really sympathise with you and your DD, it must be really wearing.

It beggars belief that the school can keep saying she is not being bullied when she sounds like she clearly is from what she says. Do they actually talk to her and try and find out what is going on? Why should a young girl make up stuff like this?

OP is there any why you think you could try and be more assertive with the school?. You sound like you have done a lot already but tbh it sounds like they need a kick up the backside, to put it bluntly. A well run school should not be such an unhappy environment for your poor child. I would write down the facts of what is happening and demand to see the headteacher and ask her exactly what they are going to do about it, they should have some sort of strategy in place. Tell them you want to see some sort of plan of action and some changes going on, it's not good enough from what you've described, they seem to have some sort of dismissive attitude going on, it's disgusting.

Meanwhile focus on the positive of what your DD likes eg the sport and get her involved in as much of what she enjoys doing as possible, either in or out of school. I;m sure there are some good anti bullying websites around too that will give you both more of an insight into bullying and how pathetic they are and how to deal with them.

Sorry if I've gone on a bit OP, I just want to help and hate to here of any child being unhappy through bullying or whatever. Take care.