3 DDs, 2 slim, 1 overweight. How to handle?

[PianaPot]

I have DD's 16, 14, 12. Oldest and youngest have always been superslim and sporty. It's just the way they are. DD2 is less co-ordinated and less interested, so doesn't have a sport she loves. She does school pe (1 hr p/w), and a youth gym session (2x1hr p/w), plus walk to and from school (15-20 mins each way), but other than that she does the usual teenage thing of spending lots of time on phone/screen, so she sits a lot! Her friends are into online stuff, so she doesn't go out with them much either, and when they do, it isn't active kind of things.

She used to be a slim-ish build, but is now carrying weight around her tum, bum etc. She weighs 9.10 (62 kg) and is only 5ft 3 (160cm), which NHS says puts her into the overweight category. She thinks she is fine as she is, didn't realise she was overweight till I showed her the nhs chart.

I have been treading VERY carefully around this, talking about healthy eating, moving more for about the last six months, and while I think she is eating better, and less calories than she was, she is still overweight. You wouldn't know from looking at her in clothes as she has slimish arms and legs and wears loose clothes though.

So, really don't want to get into calorie couting at this age, and I'm not sure where we could fit in more organised sporting activities as as a family we are pretty busy. Frustratingly, DD1 and DD3 can eat whatever they like in whatever quantity but stay superslim - in fact they can veer to being too slim, so we always have full fat cheese, milk available.

DD isn't happy now that she knows she is offically overweight, but I am not sure where to go from here. Words of gentle wisdom welcomed!

Thank you for your responses.

DD eats ok, I think. Cereal and milk for breakfast. Roll, veggies, pack of crisps for lunch. Crackers/piece of toast after school. Dinner as the rest of us - generally home made - curry/pie/lasagna kind of thing. Portion size depends on how much she likes the dinner, but not enormous. She doesn't like fruit, but does eat veggies. Chocolate bar maybe twice a week. Pudding might be ice cream if we have any in the freezer or else nothing.

The thing is, it is what the rest of us eat, but she is the only one who is chubby. I don't think she eats to excess at all. We don't do fizzy drinks or even juice for example, as I know they are just empty calories, so not sure what to cut back on. Obviously we could cut the crisps and twice weekly chocolate, but really - is that so bad?! I remember eating way, way, more than her at that age, and rubbush too - findus crispy pancakes/potato waffles/loads of chocs and sweets etc - yet didn't gain weight like she has. I wasn't that active as a teen either.

I'm just at a bit of a loss I guess. It feels like we would have to calorie count to sort this out which I instinctively hate the idea of, and would not help the other two DDs who imo could do with eating more.

Oh, and does she care? A bit, but not enough to do an excercise dvd every evening lol!

Could all of you join up to do an exercise class or something like Zumba together? You and all 3 girls?

Otherwise I think lose the full-fat products, nobody 'needs' to eat them unless they are severely underweight or growing children.

Are you as concerned about your 'too slim' daughters as you are the 'chubby' one?

Rumpy - Zumba, no , I'm hopelessly co-ordinated. Plus DDs 1 and 3 are already busy with their sports - they really don't need another organised activity. DD2 is less busy, but not keen - she has tried a load of things, but nothing floats her boat.

As for concerns re DDs 1 and 3. Hmm. Their bmis are about 2-4nd centile (approx, I have no idea what they actually weight at the mo), so hovering between underweight and ok. They have always been skinny minnies though. They are healthy, and sporty, no lack of energy. BUT they could definitely do with being a leetle bit bigger - one chest infection floors them (very infrequent btw), and both were told by school to wear their full pe kit when the rest of the class were only allowed the short set because they get really cold really quickly. I have been called to collect DD1 before now because she has got too cold during pe, and they wanted her home to warm up .

As for me, I'm bang on average. Bmi of 23 I have just discovered, which is fine with me (late 40's, 3 children, I think that's ok ).

It really is dd2 who is the outlier in our family. Only in the weight department! She is really close to both dd1 and dd3, no other issues going on.

I have exactly the same problem PP. The only obvious solution is to increase activity levels. Diet sounds fine to me, but I'm no nutritionalist.
Personally, with mine I have started swimming. We go during less busy periods and aim to do 20 lengths each time. We are aiming 3x pw.

If that's really what your DD is eating then it's hard to see why she would be overweight. Food allergies maybe? But as a pp said about Burger King, do you really know what she is eating outside the house?

Piana

We have the same issue here. My dd1 (15) has a bigger frame and is a different shape to her siblings but was never overweight until this year - she is definitely heavier than she was and it is because she is not doing sport this year and eats sugar for comfort (she has had a very tough year and is coming out of depression/anxiety). I wish someone could give me a magic bullet to fix this for her because although she is a beautiful girl, she is horribly self conscious about her weight (max of 10 lbs to lose I would say) but doesn't do anything about it.

I have spoken to her about cutting back sugar and exercising as part of her regime to deal with her depression but so far no luck. I am hoping when the stress of school is over this month, she may be able to focus more on her health/fitness.

My experience is that, like many of the responses here, it is considered absolutely awful parenting to try to deal with an overweight teen and you get flamed for it. Which is fine if your child isn't overweight and it is bothering her - what do you do then?

last sentence should be what if you child IS overweight and it is bothering her - what do you do then?

OP packet of crisps for lunch and toast or crackers after school? cut that out for starters x

Can you stealthily weigh/measure her food for a week and see if you can spot any trouble spots?

usual confusion between good and bad carbs.

crisps are just fat and air and no-one should eat them. Toast is bread which is good complex carbs. If she's eating crapburgers and other fast food they provide an entire day's calorie allowance in one snack, so if that is going on it might be an idea to stop.

otherwise: if someone less active eats the same portions as people who are very active, they will probably put on weight.

If I were you, I wouldn't introduce the idea of calorie counting at such a young age. But could you do it secretly for a week or so, without telling DD what you are doing? That might give you an idea of whether you need to cut down or not, and which foods make the most difference. If she's eating a healthy amount (her diet sounds pretty good to me, although I agree with others that you could increase protein and decrease carbs), then you'll have to focus on exercise.

Watching with interest as we have the same problem with one of our dd. my mother put me on a diet age 12 and while it did work it set me off on a lifetime of yo yo ing. I've no idea what the solution is but I think whatever you do, do it stealthily so she doesn't feel like she's being compared. Stealthily switch her milk? Cut out cheese? Use nimble bread? How you would do that without her knowing though I don't know.

It's a tough one. I'm the middle child of 3 girls and was (am still) the 'overweight one'. My mum made a thing of it though she thought she was 'treading carefully' and did not help at all, probably made it worse. My mum had never been overweight and didn't love food particularly and was effortlessly slim. I remember her telling me not to snack/eat between meals which for a teenager was pretty impossible.
The most critical thing is to continue to build good self image and self esteem as the worst thing would be for her to develop emotional eating.
Secondly would be to teach/model behaviour of eating when you're hungry and stopping when you're full. That no foods are 'bad' but some are nutritionally 'empty'.
Good luck - not sure I know what to do but definitely know what not to. I often wonder if my parents hadn't made a thing of it when I was just a bit chubby whether it might have been a phase j grew out of rather than it developing into serious overweight, emotional eating issues.

Another thought- I know you said she's tried various things but has she tried weight lifting? I know at my local leisure centre there are teen (girls only) weights sessions. Strong is the new skinny and all that?? Positive body image, no sweating & more muscle = more calories burnt. trying to help but clutching at straws??!

I often wonder if my parents hadn't made a thing of it when I was just a bit chubby whether it might have been a phase j grew out of rather than it developing into serious overweight, emotional eating issues

Absolutely agree, I wonder that often too.

I also think that people do come in different shapes and sizes and that if someone is a bit active, eats a varied diet according to appetite and not for other reasons eg. emotional, then they should trust their body will settle to its natural weight and accept themselves as they're meant to be.

I am the same height as your daughter and if I weighed the same I would definitely be very overweight. I think some of the problem nowadays is that being fat is almost more normal nowadays. They will always know others bigger.
I agree with pp, maybe weights is the way to go.

A friend of mine has this problem.

2 children very slim. 1 fat.

Same diet, but the fat one is way less active.

How does she sort that out without giving that child a complex and feeding them differently?

It's hard to see why a teenager would be overweight with that diet, mine eat loads more sweet stuff and are still skinny (one of them painfully so at the moment but I'm sure he'll thicken out). Does she have a snack habit you don't know about?

I'm stumped now, tbh.

I would make three new rules for your whole family

1. make everyone earn screen time. So one hour of excersise for two hours of screen time.

2. cap screen time at 2 hours a day for everyone

3. have three days on which you can all have one unhealthy item - from a choice of crisps/chocolate/pudding. Get the kids to decide which unhealthy items they would prefer on which days

4. change puddings to fruit

5. put the emphasis on the whole family being healthier, with healthier foods and getting less bugs.

George its easy to see that a teen could be unhealthy on that diet if the teens sat on their arse not moving

Gosh I'm surprised, my 14 year old is 6 stone. She is not the thinnest in her group either, I'd agree that over 9 stone is quite heavy, and some gentle action required

But that's just it - my delightful bedroom dwellers do sit on their skinny arses all the time!