Help!..How can I keep my underwear and clothes to myself?!!

[febel]

Hi, and no this is NOT a wind up! Sorry it's so long too, but bear with me!

My 17 YD has a bad habit of helping herself to my stuff. Now , I wouldn't mind so much but she took a brand new bra I had only worn once a few months ago and insisted it was hers, after cutting the lables out, and insisted that she had bought it, it caused a towering arguement and in the end I let it slide. HOWEVER, I bought a new black bra the other day, haven't even worn it and went to get it out at the weekend and it was missing. I instantly thought of her, and looked in her room, no bra...because ofcourse she was wearing it! I have been biding my time, didn't ask about it, and today saw her in MY new BRA, coming out of the bathroom! Still held my tongue as not sure how to tackle this, I know quite well if I do say anything there will be a HUGE row, and she will insist it's hers, and it's my word against hers.

I have been biding my time because it occurred to me that the best thing I could do was to wait until (if) it went into the wash and to claim it back (and mark it) and never admit I knew she had taken it.

Yes, I am tired and scared of the towering rages and screaming and slamming and her insisting it's hers...cos in the end it's her word against mine.(which is why I was going to mark it so she hasn't got a leg to stand on!) Yes, I resent the fact she has worn my new bra for nearly a week before I got a hand on it! She used to help herself to her elder sister's clothes until we had to, very sadly, buy a lock for her sister as we didn't feel it was fair she couldn't feel her things were hers.

I dont' really want to have to feel I have to lock everything away and she knows she can always ask to borrow or have stuff..but she doesn't. On another occassion recently she went in my wardrobe a week or two ago took the Ritter chocolates which were in my wardrobe, hidden as I had bought them for hubby's birthday, and ate most of them. I found the wrappers in her room when I went in to put clean clothes on the bed, and there was the mother of all rows..which started with her saying she'd bought the chocolates at college. (which I told her I knew she hadn't they aren't sold there, or anywhere near us) She did eventually admit to what she had done, excusing herself cos she said she felt ill and was desparate for chocolate, cos I stayed calm and told her it was the lying as much as the stealing (and I'm sorry but in my eyes it IS stealing) which I had an issue with. Another time, last weekend, she was home alone after work, and had a Chinese takeaway. I didn't mind, although I had asked before going out if she wanted anything in particular for her meal, she said she was having a curry out of the freezer. I would have perhaps left her cash if she wanted a takeaway but when I asked her she insisted she had had the curry, not a takeaway, despite the menu being on the worktop and the bag with the containers in the bin, no sign of curry box. We got to the point when I sarcastically said that someone must have climbed over our 8 foot fence to put the containers in the bin, and she agreed! (mind you she had dug herself in such a hole with her refusing to admit stuff there was no way out!)

Please help, I really don't know what to do, and don't know how to tackle this taking of things which aren't hers, and moreover the lying. We have had a lot of troubles over the last few years with her, things are getting on a more even keel, except for this, which I find disturbing, and don't feel I can trust her at all.

She feels she can help herself because she knows you are scared of her rages and you back down,she behaves just like a tantrumming toddler.

Personally I'd get a lock for my bedroom door and tell her to keep her hands of my stuff! Good grief, I'd go bloody mad at the utter disrespect of other people's property, chopping off the label of a bra and passing it off as your own?!!

Any rages and the wifi would go off. MN classic but it works ime.

This may sound extreme but how about buying something new and setting up a hidden camera? This young woman has a serious problem with telling the truth and you need evidence. She needed serious intervention when she kept stealing her sister's things - how has she got away with the lying and stealing for so long? It is terrible that you are avoiding confronting her because you are overwhelmed by the thought of a row. This girl has you over a barrel. I am sorry you are experiencing this but it needs to be dealt with asap otherwise she would be breaking the law in any other context such as college or work.

I really feel for you and would be interested to read other replies. Do you have a partner or another adult to back you up?

Yep what about your husband? You need a united front.

Sorry reread your post more after realising I skim read OP. How long has this behaviour been going on if you cannot trust her?

No, I am not afraid of her rages, just tired of them, they don't seem to sort anything out. I will confront her/sort it out, but just confronting her doesn't seem to work, it just leads to a massive rage and shouting and screaming etc, her denying that she has taken the bra for example and insisting it's hers....then it happens again.
heylillbunny....it's been going on for a while on and off,been off for a bit but re surfaced now, mostly clothing . Only her in the house now so she can't take off sister (and couldn't after got locks) , only me. She has other issues too and is under Cahms (although at nearly 18 will be signed off soon) I think the rages are becasue she has been found out and doesn't like being found out or in the wrong. As regards sanctions/punishment...on a bit of loser there as she earns her own money and won't stay in if grounded....and I am not locking her in to do so, that seems ridiculous. She is a curious mix of extreme anxiety (on meds at mo for this as affecting her life) very private person in some ways, and bolshyness. The only sanction I could think of is no lifts, but then I wouldn't want her to walk to where she works as it's a half hour walk and not that safe in parts.

Oh...and turning wifi off doesn't work anymore cos she just uses her phone hot spot. Plus husband gets annoyed when it's off cos he can't use it......

Write mum on them in with a laundry pen

Who pays for her phone, does she work?

You don't need to turn wifi off just change password I think.

Sorry just read she earns her own money.

Lock on the bedroom door then it is if she questions it just say ' you give me no choice.'

I couldn't put up with the lying nor the stealing. not sure why you end up in a shouting match with her - shes wrong end of - don't engage in the shouting matches. I think your DH needs to get involved and he needs to support you.

sit her down when she is calm and tell her you aren't going to get involved in shouting matches, you know you are right and she is lying and that the pattern of behaviour is always the same and follows the same routine e.g. item goes missing, you blame her (because she has it), she kicks off then admits it... show her the routine is futile because you always end up in the same place.

don't bite your tongue and not say anything - that's absolutely wrong because she thinks she is getting away with it.

I think you HAVE to tackle this for two reasons:

1. It is affecting your family (quite badly)

1. If you don't stop/help her now, she will likely do this in a flat share/job situation later on, and she will have a horrible time of it as she will be chucked out / fired and it will have big repercussions.

Good luck, you sound a very caring and concerned Mum.

ps are your Cahms any good (I know they are very variable - do they have any suggestions?)

Locks on your bedroom door are the only answer, I'm afraid.

I was going to suggest that you show her anything you bought, "Look, I've got this new bra - I bought it today" etc so that she'd find it harder to say later that it was hers, but in the end, nothing's going to work as she'll say she bought one the same because she liked yours.

It's not right that she's searching through your bedroom - you could have anything there that she has no right to see. Get a bloody good lock on the door and tell her exactly why.

Is there any hope of her leaving home soon?

Photograph everything you buy to prove it's yours?

Who does the washing? Surely you can sort stuff then?

Looks like you will have to put a lock on either your bedroom, or on a cupboard in your room where you keep 'special' or new clothes.

Itching powder in your underwear

Get a massive boob job so that your bras don't fit her anymore. helpful

This "my word against her word" thing has to end. You are the parent and don't need to convince anyone that you are right. I think you should do what Peggy suggested plus get a lock for your bedroom door. I couldn't put up with someone going through my stuff.

I agree with Pico,ime teens will always argue the point even when it's blatantly obvious what they're saying is bollox!

She sounds very defensive. Is she quite an angry teen?

Does she always come up with an 'excuse' in the situations where you manage to prove she is lying/has stolen? Does she ever have any insight into why she might take things?

It sounds so testing for you. Not sure what you can do other than 100% reinforce the boundaries of what is hers and what is yours.

She's a compulsive liar, under camhs and is on meds for anxiety?

This is more than a typical 'teen' issue imo. There are obviously sn/mental health issues going on here and I don't think a simple lock on the door is going to get to the root cause of her behaviour.

Maybe post in sn/mental health board?

I don't know much about how the camhs system works but does she have a worker you can speak to about the stealing/lying?

She sounds like quite an unhappy, troubled girl. It must be very difficult living with her but I think it'll be easier to resolve if you see her behaviour as a symptom of whatever her underlying problem is.

Thanks for all your suggestions, and yes, I think a lock on the door very sadly is the only way to go, though DH against it cos he says it's a faff. we did have one for our cellar door cos she nicked booze at one point (cider really) but I don't bother now..and she doesn't take it cos we don't have any she likes. Yes, she can be an angry teen, or was, seems to be calmer now...but then we don't see much of her as she is at college/work and goes out most evenings, getting in around 9.30- 10pm.

peggyundercrackers...yes will do what you suggest. Think explaining about lock on the door a good idea too.

Our Cahms have been q good though to to be fair I think the meds have helped more than the talking type therapy...which she doesn't like...prob cos makes her face the truth and also she hates opening up to people. (which doens't help her anxiety!)

Dubbydubby....mostly at first when found out she vehemently denies it ...although always has done this, from toddlerdom onwards and warning signs flagged up for me then so really worked on the telling the truth education..obviously not worked though :-( think it stems from not liking to be in the wrong. Sometimes she will admit as I have told her many times it is the lying I hate the most. But always has an excuse "I was ill and really needed chocolate" when she ate all her dad's birthday chocolate (my reply being, "If you had just asked I would have gone and bought you some") At 17 years old, nearly 18, I really didn't expect this type of behaviour!

Been a rocky teenage ride with her, made worse in a way cos she is my third and I thought I was an experienced mum.....well you are until you get a totally different personality to your others and different problems!! Have thought of one punishment though again a bit draconian is to take her off the car insurance...now that would make her think perhaps.

Sorry antenaviolet, you message came up as I was posting..and yes I agree, I feel the root cause needs to be sorted . I suppose I could speak to her cahms worker but YD would go crazy if she knew I had, and then we would have the issue of her trust with me being damaged.

Can you have a joint meeting with her and her worker?

Have talked to her worker and am going to talk to YD later...fingers crossed...after done her a favour giving her a lift when she thought she had to get bus!!
Thanks for all your advice and support

How did it go?