Just lost it with DD !

[maggie39]

DD14 is frankly driving me bloody insane. I am very patient but not tonight, tonight I have well and truly lost it. I shouted and told her I was "Fucking sick of her attitude and being treated like crap in my own home" yes yes I know I shouldn't have sworn but I am livid. This has been building up for months and I try to be patient and consistent but I'm worn out with it. Yesterday for instance it was my birthday did I get a card ....Nope. Did I even get wished a happy birthday.... nope.
She is meant to do chores for money otherwise I found I was just a walking cash machine but then she does no chores and expects me to hand over £30 for a day at an amusement park. She asked two weeks ago I said "Yes , as long as you do XYZ" she said "Ok". I have reminded her daily about the chores expected which are pretty minimal chores nothing needing hours of energy or effort. It was always "I'll do it tomorrow" but tomorrow same story! So now day out is here I make a stand and say DD you have not done XYZ which we agreed. She kicks off in a major way.
Various insults about how shit I am as a mum she'd rather have Anna's mum she is much nicer, I am a disgrace/disgusting, she doesn't want to be here anymore and if I stop her she will kill herself and then I can live with that being my fault forever, I am shit as we live in a small house and can't provide for her etc etc you get the idea!! I walked away she followed and followed and followed.
She is much the same at school. She has anger management and other inputs but she doesn't respond just spits hate as to whatever I have said no to. She has been like this since puberty previously she was sunny natured, polite, hardworking and generally a delight to be with. Occasionally she asks how my day is but I have learnt this is only when she has a request. I always try and make polite conversation but am met with one word answers. I try and chat over dinner but she starts with "I hate this errggghhhhh why have you made this, you know I hate it which is everything bar Macdonalds.
So what the hell can I do?! I feel like I'm living in a battle ground she has social services number which she plans on using tomorrow to tell them I swore and shouted! I love her but don't like her at the moment, her moods are so volatile and constant it is draining and quite depressing! Massive rant over!

ride it out

She has councelling which she attends sometimes refuses others. I am "safe" to abuse as I won't leave her others will well thats what I was told . So maybe I need to be unsafe .
It is 99.9 thought she has ADHD but she won't engage I see them she is offered meds but as I said won't trial as first time made her feel sick. Which i'm sure wouldnt last but she wouldn't try.
I like the idea of earning everything and not a set weekly amount think I'll give that a go
School called to say she'd been exceptionally good for her today so I like to think thats down to my mini meltdown first positive call I've ever had.

I am also assured year 9 is the worst so my fingers are firmly crossed for next year!

Nothing useful to add, but God I hope Year 9 is the worst…seeing as it's nearly over!!

Do you have any idea why she is so angry?
I think that sticking to your guns on the day to day is important but can understand on the special occasion trip it would make sense to be flexible.
However, she cannot talk to you like that. IMO that is grounds for smart phone being replaced by flip phone, and other similar consequences.

Op just wanted to add that i was feckin hideous to my mum at times. She was a single mum. I blush as i am typing this! I am now 45 abd can say we do grow out of it! However my mum was tricky sometimes too! It dosent matter tgat you swore you are human and you are doing your best. It is a tricky age they sort of want you not to be human and to be a mum.... I really hope you both forge ahead and i am sure it will get better.

No idea seems to be when someone disagrees/challenges she is def not bullied. She can just blow very quickly from happy to livid if something changes or challenges or somewhat or even her network going doesn't take much.
Few more weeks of year 9 so fingers crossed year 8 was bad at times but this year feels way worse!

maggie39 sounds bad. Hugs to you.

Does her school, or the local area, offer any sort of activity designed to build self-reliance and confidence, in a setting away from home, for a few weeks? i'm thinking things like Outward Bound. They're not a universal panacaea, but they have the advantage that you can't really get away with being a stroppy teenager for long in those contexts. I used to work for an organization that took kids on that kind of thing, and about 1/2 of them was childish, stroppy and spoilt-seeming* to start with (the others were self-selected because they actually wanted to do challenging things); by the end of it they were all sensible adults.

*Obviously there were all sorts of backstories and very few were actually just spoilt brats.

Maggie - I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. My did is the same.

I'm left with feelings of great sadness for our lost family life - four years of volatile, deeply unpleasant and selfish behaviour from dd at home and at school, with no obvious cause other than 'adolescence' . It's affected every area of our lives.

I don't know what to suggest. Other than to say 'commiserations'.

Mini fingers I am sorry but equally relieved there is another DD out there . It is awful and you have my full sympathy its emotional abuse and we NEED to stop them but how .
I have thought and thought about why DD might be so angry but can think of nothing she has had the best I can do emotionally, financially etc and was a really cheerful character for twelve years and a real mummys girl. I knew teenage years would change that but not to this extent!

"I don't never give her money but its constant requests not a one off. "

I suggest rules you can refer to & she can wail about but you stand firm. Like 'I will pay from my pocket £50/month for your entertainment" and "£30 for your shoes" and "£25/month for your clothes" and that's it: or whatever the budgets you need. Finding more money is her problem. She will have to choose which events to do.

We do a combined pocket money system, btw, so DC get some pocket money as a default (don't have to earn) which they can top up by doing jobs (they mostly don't, but sometimes they do big work spurts if saving for something specific). 11yoDS recently did £50 of jobs over 1 month so he could buy himself a phone.

I do think Year 9 is the worst (given dd is approaching end of Y10 - God knows, maybe it gets worse again!). Y10 has had horrible stuff but also improvements of various kinds. If it is any consolation OP and minifingers9 I firmly believe it's not something we've done wrong - this is stuff they just do.

I am going to open a current account with a kind of reward system so £1 a day with no detentions, £5 a merit at school, plus £15 a week providing she washes up once a day, hoovers once a week and keeps her room in a reasonable state. I will give her plenty of opportunity to earn more via chores but I'm getting tough this has gone on to long and its time to clamp down.
I hope year 9 is the worst I really do another year of this is not one I look forward to. A 50/50 balance I can handle this year feels a bit 95/5 !