13 yr old DD says she is mentally ill.

[frinny]

This is my first post and I hope someone out there can offer some ideas.
I have 2 daughters, one 17 who now lives with her father ( relationship with me bumpy through early teenage years but fine now) and one of 13yrs.
My eldest daughter is Dyspraxic and suffered with low self esteem, anxiety and depression. She missed a lot of school and eventually dropped out and attended Medical Education Unit. She is now waiting to go back to college and life is mostly ok for her. Phew & hurrah!

The problem I have is with my youngest daughter. She has always been happy and lively and very easy to parent. A joy in fact. Over the last year she has become a typical teenager as expected and that is fine. Hormones raging etc. However she has now suddenly started to refuse to go to school and says she is anxious and depressed. She has self harmed on 2 occasions but only very small scratches. (Her sister is quite scarred from self harming in the past)

This is going to sound dreadful...her father and I are not convinced. She is her usual happy self at weekends, during holidays, most evenings. She comes down to eat, she appears to sleep ok, has plenty of energy, washes and looks clean and tidy. No signs of anything serious going on, but could I be missing something?

I have spoken to her school who say she has appeared a bit up and down but is mostly fine. She has a large group of friends she socialises with. She is doing well in classes. All looks good BUT she insists she is anxious and can not attend school. A lot of her friends seem to have various issues and it almost seems, dare I say it, fashionable to self harm and be depressed. Are genuine mental health issues

rife amongst out young people or is a certain amount of it learned behaviour.I feel awful even thinking that, but the thought is there.

I have taken her to our GP, who has referred her to CAMHS due to her sisters history, but feels she will not meet their criteria. She refuses to talk to anyone, teachers, school councillor, family members.

Any ideas on my best approach? I have previously started to turn the WI-FI off at night and today have removed her smart phone as she will just sit in bed texting her friends all day.I have told her she can have it back at school time tomorrow.

I have let her know I am here for her and love her whatever and am ready to listen. I have said I have removed the tech to give her time to step back and reflect on what may be causing this rather than as a punishment. I have explained that I feel too much input from social media and the 'being on show' all the time may be putting pressure on her. I have suggested she try writing down what she is feeling. It all falls on deaf ears. She is very angry with me.

Do you think I am being hard on her? I am concerned that if I remove the tech she may get worse, if I leave her with it she may get worse. Do I go further and say if she will not go to school she can not go out with friends. Is there anything I should be doing that I am not doing? Am I cynical about it or just so terrified of going through it all again that I am in denial?

Anyone out there been through similar and worked out which is wood and which is trees?

Thanks in anticipation.

Pasanda, this sounds very much like the group of friends my eldest was involved with. In the early days she did have school friends who reported it at school which was great, but later on , once out of school she was in with a group of like minded young people who just did not get it. Secrecy was uppermost. Many were completely alienated from their parents. Lots of those parents did not seem to know anything about it or had just given up on the presumption that they were not really going to carry out the suicide threats. Very scary!

Pleased to hear CAMHS have acted so quickly. When my eldest got into a really serious state, they quickly found her an in-patient bed in an adolescent unit not too far from home. The relief was tremendous as I felt I needed to constantly know she was not making attempts on her life and the nights were so long, wondering what she was doing in her room. Hang in there and get all the support you can. Make sure you get a break for yourself now and again if you possibly can.

The medication does take a while to kick in and may have to be tweeked before they find what works for him. Be prepared for him to refuse to really talk to anyone at first, if ever. My eldest discussed very little in depth with the CAMHS counsellor, but nonetheless has emerged the other side and is ok. If he doesn't hit it off with his CAMHS counsellor, ask to change. We did and they were happy to do that.

I am convinced that trends on social media have a large part to play in the tremendous upsurge of MH issues amongst young people. For sure, all our busy lives are not helping as we have less time to spend really talking to our kids. Schools do seem unaware of what is going on and which Apps are being used. I have highlighted several Apps and Facebook groups to the school counsellor that she was unaware of. Keep telling them what you know.

I am feeling a bit better today as have had meeting with school and much better communication with youngest daughter. We are working out strategies to try to keep her at school without reading the riot act. I have next week off and we are off to Cornwall with one of her friends and eldest daughter as well. School are being very supportive and today DD is quite chatty. School counsellor says she seems fine but I have now got my head on about it all and am treading very carefully. Removing social media at 10pm has been accepted without too much trouble. I explained it was not a punishment, just wanted her to get good sleep and not too much input. Time for her own head space etc. She says as long as she has her music she will put up with it.

I wish both daughters and I could go to Yoga together. It has kept me breathing in and out through some very difficult times in the past. They are not interested in any kind of sport or relaxation or activity we can do together. The only thing we might do together next week is surf. I fear I am going to have to enter a very cold sea!

Stay strong Pasanda and all others who are having difficult and frightening times.

and hugs to you all.

I've got boys similar ages (15 and 13) fear your experiences. The eldest is revising for exams. I've just told him to go and do some work, rather than watch TV, because without working, he won't fulfil his ambition ( involving demanding uni course).

Now I feel that perhaps I should take the pressure of, because I don't want to push him too far ( fear not, I'm not a tiger mother, but one who occasional ('frequently') prompts ('nags') sons to do homework.)

Sorry, didn't mean to bleat about my own fears of teenage mental health.

Wishing that all your dcs get better soon.