help with 17 yr old daughter and boyfriend staying over

[nerfqueen]

Hi

Im after a few opinions. A bit of background - I had a very sheltered upbringing, views of no sex before marriage, no living together etc being forced upon me, so its all a bit new to me what im going through.

My 17 year old daughter (18 in 3 months) has been seeing her boyfriend for 2 months. We as a family are going away for a long weekend soon and my daughter has chosen to stay at home due to revising for a levels. I have said that I don't want her boyfriend staying the night although I know he will be here during the day. It just feels too soon into their relationship (will be 3 months) for her to have him stay over. Shes not impressed with my decision though.

Shes also asked to go away for a week with him once exams are over. She will still be 17 and will have been with him approx. 5 months. I have not said no, ive said I will think about it.

This is her first proper relationship, her boyfriend is nearly 19 and has been in another long term relationship and he has been sexually active within this relationship. I believe his expectations are different to hers. She has said he will wait till shes ready but is this just talk?

Btw, ive had the contraception / std / waiting till youre ready chat with her and shes on the pill anyway for medical reasons.

My husband (her stepdad) thinks I shoud just say no but im trying to be more open, I don't want to be like my parents were with me saying no to everything. But I also need to follow what I feel comfortable with.

Other peoples experiences / opinions would be appreciated xx

Is he nice? Does he treat her well? Do you have any reason to think he won't wait till she's ready? As long as you are assured on those fronts I don't think you can or should dictate when she sleeps with him - it's up to her! I can't see the harm in letting him stay over tbh. (I'd be far more concerned about parties actually but am guessing you trust her on that count.)

Sit them both down, explain that you are not happy for him to stay over while you are away and would like him to leave by a certain time. But offer them the option of him staying overnight when you're back.

I think whatever you say, he will be there during the night when you are away. So you might as well say yes to that.

In terms of the holiday, I can't see a problem. They'll have been together a bit, she'll be 18 and he'll be rising 20.

I would probably have let him stay over if she thinks she's ready and you agree while you're away and wouldn't say no to the holiday. She'll almost be 18 then and a full blown adult :).

Sounds like you've brought her up well but I would consider so close to 18 a time to loosen some of the rules. But in the end, your house, your rules so it is totally up to you.

I wouldn't have a problem letting him stay or her going away with him. I would also be surprised if they are not having sex.
I'm not sure what you think is going to happen at night that's not going to happen in the day ! If she is a normal teen he will stay over whatever your decision ??

If you think you can stop a 17 & 19 year old from having sex I think you are in quite frankly deluded.

How does saying no to him 'stopping the night' change anything apart from enabling you to continue denying to yourself that they may be having sex? And how do you plan to enforce this rule?

At nearly 18 I suspect a lot of teens wouldn't even ask 'permission' to go away for a week with their boyfriend. They would quite reasonably expect to be able to go as long as other responsibilities had been met.

Its your house, so if you dont want the boyfriend staying over ever say no

I would say yes to the holiday

However, how is the holiday being paid for

Does your daughter have a part time job ?

Does she expect to go away to university ?

Teenagers don't just have sex overnight you know!

They've already had sex. Fact.

And ok, you say she's on the pill..so what? Still needs to make sure he uses a condom. That would be my main concern.

You can however say, not in my house. That's fair enough!

Let him stay.

They will more than likely have sex during the day time anyway while your away so your not preventing it from happening by not letting him stay overnight.

If he doesn't stay they will have sex during the day, he will then leave her to sleep alone at night.

If he is a nice person and good for her they will have sex and then she will get to cuddle up to him and do all the nice coupley being in love things that normally go with sex. If he doesn't stay your denying her this.

Otherwise she is likely to let him stay anyway and have to lie to you.

Treat her as a young adult, keep communication open and allow her to make decisions about this sort of thing herself.

I think I would be more worried about him being there during the day when she is trying to revise for A levels.

This kind of reminds me of my first relationship when I was 17, my mum was fine about it but my dad really wasn't, he wouldn't allow my boyfriend to stay overnight but as my parents were away a lot at the weekends he did anyway, and we had absolutely no difficulty finding opportunities to have sex during the day. When I was 18 we went on holiday abroad, which I used money I had earned in my part tome job to pay for. I was doing my A levels, worked hard, helped around the house, helped to look after my younger siblings, and felt that I was proving myself to be enough of a responsible adult to go on this holiday without asking permission. My dad absolutely hit the roof, had tantrums about it almost daily until I went, and then wouldn't speak to me when I got back. I love him and we get on reasonably well, but his behaviour towards me around that time made me lose some respect for him.
I'm not suggesting for a moment that you're like that, you sound like a lovely mum who wants to get this right. What I'd say thou

Sorry, posted too soon. I think that this is a really important, sensitive time for your daughter, she's developing into an adult, and if she's responsible and sensible and acts in a mature way in other areas of her life, you should probably let her be the judge of how she wants this to go. If you're confident that you've parented her well, she'll have the skills to make the right decisions for herself, and in years to come I think she'll appreciate your non judgemental support as she navigated the transition into adulthood.

When I was 17 my bf was 19 too. My parents didn't allow us to stay with each other over night until I was 18. I massively resented them for it but respected their wishes as I was not an 'adult' at 17 in their eyes despite having more on my plate than the average 30yo at the time.... 4 months later I turned 18 but tbh It didn't stop us having sex long before then. Teens find the time if that's what they want. My DM knew I was active, knew he waited until I was ready etc but they just worried I was rushing into things at a young age as I'm sure you are with ur DD. if its any consolation, 8 years later we are still together happy as ever and bf became fiance 4 years ago. We have not found ourselves to be 'accidentally pregnant' or anything and feel blessed that from I was 18 both our parents gave us free reign to be ourselves and give our relationship a shot. our supportive parents have been invaluable in our lives. Be fair and realistic. my DPs have said if they could see into the future they wouldn't have worried about us staying with each other overnight at the start of our relationship. it's the way of the world now and as long as ur DD is comfortable with it then that's all the go ahead I would need at her age. She is an adult. and she could technically at her age have her own house and be married...